Hello, 2013

So, it’s new year already! This year is going to be ‘last year’ in a matter of hours and I can’t help but wonder where did all this time go. 2012 was a good year by all means. Well, mostly a good year. Full of ups and downs, anything but ok

How do I begin to sum up all the memories of 2012? All that I learnt and all that I experienced? 2012 sure did teach me a lot of things.

My 25th Birthday, the decision to continue this blog, the trip to CHennai and Mangalore, new friends, old friends, the work stress, all the thousand parties we had for no reason, getting in trouble, acting stupid and laughing uncontrollably.

Here’s to all the shit we did in 2012.

New Year’s a time for new beginnings, amendments, fresh starts, love and fun. Here’s my set of promises and resolutions.

I’ll start working hard. I’ve been a really lazy girl all through 2012.

Start working out.

Try to control my temper and learn to be patient

Read more books

Try not to judge people before I actually get to know them.

Spend less time on the internet.

Okay, they are pretty crappy but still I’m sure I’ll never get through them. However, trying wouldn’t hurt, so. Wish me luck!

What are your resolutions?

Wish you a very happy 2013! Let’s put all the negative behind us and just be happy.

I love you, Mum!

Today as I lay in your lap and your fingers massaged my ankle because I had this nasty leg sprain, I was wondering of all the time we spent together fighting, laughing and you sharing the memories of your childhood and me complaining about how the ‘Wannabe’ girls of our school thought they were so ‘kewl’ and all the ‘I-think-i-am-so-damn-smart-guys’ who thought abusing others would help them impress the girls (sorry boys, but it won’t help)!!

I remember the twelve-year-old-me crying on your lap because a teacher in school thought I couldn’t dance. I remember the times when I would cry without any reasons and you would laugh on me for doing that. I remember the times when you asking me to sleep and assuring me I knew everything when I would be awake mugging up all the formulas , dates and places of whatever revolution/movements and what not the night before the much-dreaded examination!

I remember the times when you would be complaining about the time I spend in front of the mirror doing my hair. I remember you asking me how could I live in a messy room. I remember me saying that you’re so ‘ajeeb’ (means ‘strange’ in English… though I used it for ‘unique’)! I remember you moving your fingers through my tresses and telling me I’ve got beautiful hair!

I remember you telling about your high expectations from me and also that I’ve got the caliber to achieve what I want in life. I remember you telling me where I belong, among the best. I remember you beaming with joy in my happy moments! I love the I’m-so-proud-of-my-daughter-look!

I remember all the times you chose a dress for me and I disapproved saying that your choice is terrible and you saying the same thing about mine! I cherish those nights when you and me would tease Rohan about the girls in his class and chuckling with amusement when he would say that he’s a momma’s boy!

I remember all the times when you asked me who I loved the most in the world and I would reply ‘Sprite'!! But in my heart, I always loved you the most!!

I remember me telling you how you look like so and so in a particular saree and how you looked like so and so with ur spectacles! But in my heart, Mumma, you are the most beautiful woman on this Earth!

Thanks for being there when I need you as a strict but understanding teacher, a scolding mom, a loving mother and a true friend! Though I don’t say it often… I love you, Mum!

 

Christmas Lesson

The past weekend and this week "CHRISTMAS WEEK"  has started in a daze, started off with a leg sprain symptom and rapidly spun out of control. My left ankle is hurt and the unbearable pain.....

Looking back, I wonder why God wants me to go through this ordeal, and I think I know the response. If our boats are not rocked at one point of time or other.......we don't realise that it was steady that long :)

For now, grateful, thankful to the doctor for the temporary relief, on my knees (dont know till when)  or otherwise.......this would the most blessed and learning Christmas.

One of those few life experiences that I need to put down in my personal dairy.

for now.......for better or worse till the pain reappears.

Merry Christmas!!!

Dear 50-Years-Old-Me,

I’ve been meaning to write to you for some time now. I’ve really been wondering about you lately. What do you look like? What do you do? Have you done all the things you thought you’d do when you grow up? Did you meet someone worth spending your whole life with? And if you have, does it feel like the fairy-tales you grew up listening to?

There’s so much that I have to say to you but every thought in my head just gets mixed up into a complete mess. I can picture you somehow, living in a small cottage on a sea side with a room which is filled with books. Or maybe in an apartment in a small town with your two babies that you always wanted to have.

I hope you have changed for the better and yet remained the same 25-years -old girl who is writing to you. I hope you still write, and I hope you remember the joy writing gave you. Do you remember that you wished you’d have a book published one day? Is that wish fulfilled yet? I hope you have fulfilled the dream of travelling around the world all alone, living with the natives, learning about the cultures and clicking a thousand pictures, like they do in the Tv shows. I hope you have reached all the milestones you had set for yourself. I hope you are happy with who you are.

Are you still in contact with your friends? I hope you remember they meant the world to you… I hope they still do. Remember all the parties, night-stays and all the fun? Have you still got the crappy sense of humour I have? Are you still the person who has a fear of being surrounded by darkness? Are you still the crazy person you were?

I hope you remember this blog, with all its stupid rants and childish poems. Remember how this was a getaway for you when you were super sad or super happy? Ooohh, do they already have time-machines? You might want to give me a sign if there is.

You know how songs bring an avalanche of memories, right? Do you listen to those songs I listen to now and feel nostalgic? I hope you remember me in excruciating details. One day you’ll be narrating about these days to your children,if you aren’t already doing so, like my mummy does to me.

If you read this, I want you to go to a library and borrow the books of Paulo Coelho and read it. Remember how you used to stay awake till 2 am, just to read it without mummy knowing? Remember how attached you grew to his stories? I hope Harry Potter is still a part of your life. Sounds childish, right?

I’m very curious about how you’re world if different from mine. Flying cars, talking to aliens, global warming, time travelling and unimaginable miracles, is it? Well, I’m not sure so much would have changed in 15 years, but who can say anything about the future?!

I don’t really know how to end this letter. It’s so chaotic but I think you’ll remember that I’m a muddle head. I just hope you’re a happy person and somebody who your almost-25-year-old-self will be proud of.

That's Just

…the way I am.

I can’t explain myself. I’m a lot of people. You might see me sitting in a corner with a book on my lap, or even laughing and dancing in a party. You might think I’m happy all the time, but I could be hiding a tankful of tears. You might think I’m an extrovert and just then I’d sulk back in my own little bubble. Sometimes, I might seem too wise for a twenty-five year old, and sometimes, I could surprise you with my absurd nonsensical talk. I might seem strong, but I might be a bag of nerves. I could love you with all my heart, but when it comes to saying it out loud, I won’t. I might flirt a lot, but I won’t let you in my heart. I say I don’t like clichéd love stories, but I’m really thinking of my own.

I couldn’t ever figure myself out. I won’t ever be. I often lose myself in the thin line that draws between ‘who I am’ and ‘who I am supposed to be’… I’m ugly, imperfect, nerd, friendly, shy, extrovert, introvert, fun to be with, boring, interesting… all at the same time…

And that’s just the way I am. Whether you accept it or not.

Those Pesky Days

When I was in Kindergarten, a piddly kid of 2-3, I would look at a friend and her friends in high school with envy. High School seemed like heaven, and I would worship the friend and co. with an ardor only a hankering child can muster.

The college teen.
This time college seemed like paradise. And I hoped and prayed to be transported into their world. No uniforms, no attendance, no notebooks being checked daily, no carrying mom’s chapati's and idlis for lunch everyday. Sigh. College was so cool.

Yet again, by the time I had chugged through school to enter graduation, the paradise had moved. College was fun, yes. But just look at all those people who are working. No cooking up excuses to pester mom for yet another increase in the monthly allowances, no 2nd class train journeys on ‘student budgets’.
Yes. that was it. To earn was the best gift to mankind, finalized the mind during yet another drowsy lecture.

And now, as the ‘earning stage’ has also been sampled, the fickle mind longs for the Kindergarten days . The days of detached happiness, when the only stress was to learn the 26 alphabets, while trying to learn what 26 meant .

 Remembering about the ‘good old days’ with a friend. She says they’re good only because they’re over…even though they bring back happy memories. She’s smart. Me? My fickle mind can’t even decide which of the old days were really good.

Sigh!
Does a fickle mind bug you too?

Plan Of Destiny

I am trying to concede to the fact
Come at peace with it
Accept it
Subduing me complaints as much as possible
No matter how much it pains me
It wont happen
Because it isn't supposed to
It is not my plan to let it be
It's the plan of destiny
Maybe in a different time
In a different place
Before everything changed
But as for now
I wouldn't let fantasies cloud my sanity

We can never be friends
Just familiar strangers
Nothing else
I don't need more
I have accepted
The plan of destiny

 

What I've Learnt

This month wasn’t at all like what I expected it to be. ‘Disastrous’ is the right word.

But all the bad that happens does have a good side too, doesn’t it? There are lessons to be learnt each time you fall. There are truths you wake up to. Here’s what I’ve learnt-

The worst feeling in the whole world is being let down.

Actually, the worst feeling is letting down the most important people in your life.

Life seems dark and rough at times but you’ll get over it, everything will be alright even though everything won’t be easily forgotten.

You are not defined by the mistakes you make but how you emerge out of them.

Some limits are not to be crossed.

No matter what, there is a mom who’ll love you despite everything.

But everything’s not been all bad. I’ve had fun too… Outings, fun with friends, parties, junk food!And the feeling of winter wind against your face… heavenly!

Sorry for the rant though, but I had to.

For all the sunbathing that i do, thankyou dear balcony. You
have a beautiful view.

 

I Got That Feeling

You know that feeling when in a moment you are all smiling and the next you are overwhelmed by the surge of memories that would avalanche on you and buries you inside? Like the past moments were flashing before your eyes and you couldn’t change them and all you could do was stand there and watch them lap over you like the waves of an ocean over the rocks on the shore? And all the feelings, buried deep would surface all together and you don’t know how it really feels.

Isn’t it better to look at the road of life through the wind-shield rather than the rear-view mirror?

Isn’t it better to get over somethings, isn’t it always better to let go?

Why wouldn’t my mind stop confusing what’s happening with what has already happened?

The phantasmagoria always stops me from moving ahead.

That ain’t good.

Till Death keeps us apart...

 

 A statement from a very elderly person some months back "I am sure nothing bad will come my way, because I have always done the right thing!"  Confidence? Audacity (this is fast becoming one of my favourite words)? Do not judge and you shall not be judged.

Akai's episode - since there is no other word to describe it, has been an eye opener, to us whom it has impacted directly and to those around us, who thought death was probably the worst fate that awaited them. I know that line needs rephrasing, because death is no 'fate' it is a 'fact' something that will happen, sooner, later, eventually but happen it will.

Life is always full of gyaan, so much! sometimes it hits the nail in the head so to speak, if the incident is fresh in our minds, more often than not, it is just that GYAN ~ something we all know! it just looks fancier put into words and on a beautiful background.

Yeah! yeah, its that time of life again :) no not really. I am in my melancholy mood again and absolutely hate it. But as I was told by somebody really wise, This too shall pass......not holding my breath though, I might die!.

When Important Becomes Impotent

 

Oh yes I have heard those “English is a funny language” jokes in a hundred and one versions. But seriously, you could never have heard of the version I just compiled for you. Believe me guys English is a beautiful language, but its some people who are ignorant towards it who take it in their hands to spoil it. “English” is now considered a status symbol. So even if people are not comfortable with it, they still use it to show their sophistication and make a fool of themselves. They give it a whole new meaning- often in a ridiculous way. This trend I noticed in Hindi teachers, lab assistants, and a few more people.

 

Keep quiet- please quiet

Success- sex-ess (that’s how someone I know pronounced it)

 

And once, oh pray! Even I cant believe it….someone pronounced important as IMPOTENT!

 

The SMS lingo is a thing that can be misinterpreted. I’m specially mentioning this because I myself have fallen prey to it and I curse my stupidity. Infact, it was this that made me come up with this article. I asked a friend to CUM online at a certain time. Believe me it was an innocent request. He had this big “O” of a mouth then and asked me if I had lost it. When I remained non-plussed, he asked me to google it. And then if you want a piece of my disgust, I suggest you google it.

Another funny story I would like to account. There was this guy who was breaking up with his girlfriend and told her that she was ineffable but still due to personal reasons he could not be with her. For you account ineffable means perfect. Sadly that girl didn’t know what it meant and created a scene thinking she was in-F-able

 

Guys, speak English but be sure you say what you want to convey. Might seem funny but these small misinterpretations can lead to a lot of confusion and misunderstanding.

 

I would like to conclude by saying-

“When Important becomes Impotent,

You know you should draw a line.”

Change

Last night, I got this idea of pulling an all-nighter for no reason. I mean I’m growing up and I’m bound to get crazy ideas now and then, so, not knowing what to do, I pulled out my diary that I had stopped writing sometime ago.

As I read through the pages, I realized, how much the things have changed. The thing is people, things, feelings… they always change, sometimes, for good , sometimes for bad.

It was funny how my feelings for something changed so much. I don’t actually like how some people in my life have changed to this extent. One day, they were there, playing and laughing, being an important part of my life, and then suddenly, one day drifting apart. It hurts, but I take it as it comes.

Don’t they say, ‘The only thing constant is change.’ I believe them.

Also, last night, I wrote again in my diary. It felt so good, the feeling of holding a pen in my hand and letting the words flow. It’s been so long, isn’t it?

I shall write again, when inspiration flows.

Till then, I shall leave you with these words of mine.



Look at me, all smiling.

I’ll tell you one thing, I love you.

When I Was A Little Girl

When I was a little girl, I was told that all the things in life could be classified as either right or wrong. I was taught how to do that and I was told specifically to pick the right ones. I was brought up to believe that if I did all the ‘right’ things, my life would fall into place and everything will be alright. But now I’m not sure. I’m starting to think the line that divides the right and the wrong doesn’t really exist.

When I was a little girl I used to believe there were only two kinds of people, good and bad. But now I’m starting to figure out how people have so many layers to them and so many shades of all kinds of traits. No one’s perfect and I guess, that’s okay.

When I was a little girl, I was made to believe we could only love once. Maybe, I just watched too many movies or maybe, I read too many fairytales. Or maybe even listened to too many love songs. I believed that when I met my knight in shining armour, my life would get cheesy background songs automatically and everything would be magical. But now, I’m not so sure if that’s how love works. You can love more than one person at once or maybe no one at all. It’s pretty mundane and ordinary and at the same time pretty magical too.

When I was a little girl, all the adults seemed to have all the knowledge in the world. They had everything figured out, how people became stars when they died, how the rain was just God watering his plants in heaven, how clouds were just pieces of cotton the wind blew away. And now I stand on the thresh-hold of adulthood and I’m starting to worry that adults are as clueless as we once were and still are.

When I was a little girl, what frock should I put on was one of the most difficult decisions I had to take. Now, I’m faced with all the choices that’ll decide how my future turns out to be and I’m feeling lost.

Can I please just be a little girl again?

A Question

I’ve been wondering and I still haven’t reached a conclusion yet so I have a question for you all -

Would you prefer to know the precise date and time of your death or not?

While on one hand, if you knew when you’re going to die, you could bid your loved ones goodbye and do everything on your bucket list before you finally kick your bucket, on the other hand, the knowledge can as well turn out to be a burden. If you knew when you are going to die, it can turn into an obsession, a sort of count down to your inevitable end, to the point where you lose sight of what’s important, that is, living the life that you have left.

What do you think?

It's funny

It`s funny how hello always ends with a goodbye,
it`s funny how good memories can start to make you cry.
It`s funny how forever never really seems to last,
it`s funny how much you`d lose if you forgot about your past.
It`s funny how friends can just leave you when you`re down,
it`s funny how when you need someone they`re never around.
It`s funny how people change and think they`re so much better,
It`s funny how people forgive even though they can't forget,
it`s funny how one moment can contain so much regret.
It`s funny how ironic life turns out to be
but the funniest part of all, it isn't really funny when u are going thru it.

Composing a Life...

I assume you are a human
 If not, welcome to the planet, and I’m sorry about all those terrible sci-fi movies.

If you are a human, you have a head, which is useful for hanging sunglasses on, but it can also cause a few problems.

Life is Chapters
 You’re a book. You are born in chapter two. (No-one likes to think about what their parents did in Chapter One! Actually, Chapter One is also all about your heritage, your roots, your whakapapa.) The chapters have rolled on, one after another – perhaps some good, some bad.

The book isn’t finished yet
 Maybe, right now, you are in the middle of a rotten, hard, tough chapter. It’s a stink chapter. Stink chapters often contain this lie: “This is how it’s always going to be.” Yes, it may be a shocker at the moment, but the moment isn’t forever. The rest of the book of your life hasn’t been written yet. Even if your book has had a tragic start, you can choose how your story is going to turn out.

Many people just watch their lives happen the same way they watch a TV programme happen. They are interested to see how it’s going to turn out, but they do not really believe that they can change things. Why settle for a lousy, B-grade life?

You are the script-writer, director and star of your own life. Why not write yourself a great script?
You are an anyone. You can do something with your life.

Change means moving on
 “Yeah, right, fine. Easy to say, hard to do. How do I get the life I want while I’m still super-glued to the life I’ve got now?” To get from the life you’ve got to the life you want may take time, and it may be hard. But you can get there… as long as you’re prepared to move on.

Growing Up....

It's a funny thing... Growing up

Because you never know what you want. And sometimes you wonder if you ever really will.

You want to be independent. You want to be strong. You want to stand on the tips of your toes, stretching towards everything that life has to offer you, to taste a coffee that you bought for yourself at a café, while poring over texts full of loves, lives and living. But at the same time, you want to be at home, listening to your mother’s woes and worries as she runs around the kitchen, making you laugh. You want your dad to hug you and you want to hear, feel and smell everything in that little touch, years of love and dependence in that one embrace.

You want to make a name for yourself, a career to perform, you want to love working and working hard. You want to love loving your own work and admiring it at the end of the day. But all in the same moment, you want to be out and free with friends, chilling at park or the beach, laughing and fighting. Just the same as always.

You want to grow, but you want to keep the past with you, as part of yourself forever. You want to experience love. The truth of it, the things that all the books talk about, the songs and the poems, the emotions that course through lovers when they’re with each other. But at the same time, you want to hold onto little crushes and feelings, you like the simplicity of it all, and you know that someday it will all be different.

You want to be by yourself for once, you want to know that everything at home is your own, not shared with anyone else, not made and brought forth by others. But you also want to be taken care of, loved in ways that aloneness will never provide. You want protection, but you desire to escape the shell of it.

Most of the time, in the growing up years we never know what we really want. It comes with being in this middle stage of neither-here-nor there. It’s special in it’s own right. It has it’s beautiful moments; a first kiss, the first salary earned by oneself, a passion, a fire, burning ambition unique to this stage alone, quiet moments at windows, listening to the pitter-patter of rain and feeling all the freshness that follows. As I was told when I entered my teens, “It can be the best or worst time of your life.”

We all doubt. We all wonder where, how, and most importantly, WHO we will turn out to be. But though it’s difficult to understand sometimes, it’s important that we know that we’re not alone. Not by a long shot. And though we sometimes fear we will lose ourselves that should never be a concern, for you’ll only ever know the value of something once you lose it. And don’t worry. Because eventually you will wade back to where you are meant to be, or if not, swim off into rivers fresher and more beautiful than those you left.

It can’t be promised that we will grow up to be just the way we want to be, just the way we imagined ourselves. But it can be promised that everything about your future, every bit of it is in your hands. So step out there. Mould it. Make it. Believe. Love. Dance. Dream. Do. And don’t look back. Because it’s just not worth it.

A bit of what life has taught me . . .

.
 1.Siblings are the best thing in the World. They may  hit, fight, cry and make you wanna pull your hair out, but they will never let go.
 2.Parents, they just want the best for you. They will never easily appreciate anything you have done. Not because they are unhappy, but because they want you to do even better next time.
 3.An idle mind is a devil’s workshop. More the time you spent alone, the worse will it all get.
 4.Milk Chocolate is the best. My favorite –> Cadbury Dairy Milk Chocolate.
 5.God, He exists. But only for those who believe.
 6.Miracles never happen on their own. You have to make them happen.
 7.Planning – what to do next – never helps. You need to put your foot down and starting working.
 8.Home is where heart is. . .family is.
 9.No place, no task is pleasant if you force yourself in it.
 10.Accept it, everything happens for a reason, make the best out of it.
 11.Good friends are hard to fine, so don’t let go once you have found yours.
 12.Never regret your actions in the past, cause that is what you wanted then.
 13.Anger and ignorance takes you nowhere. So sit down, talk and sort it out.
 14. Paulo Coelho's books are really good. Everyone should read them.
 15.Being fat or skinny does not matter. What you are from the inside makes all the difference.
 16.An ‘F’ in your report card is not the end of the world. Its just time to prove yourself to the world.
 17.First impression is the last impression.
 18.If you ever face injustice, stand up and speak. Sitting quiet cause no one else is talking might lead to a disaster and all you can then do is blame yourself for being a coward.
 19.Quit being a complainer about everything that happens. If you think something ain’t right….well set it right!

Aahh, this post will be edited every once in a while and the list will keep increasing I guess.

 

The Beauty Of Sight...

Eyes…vision… sight… We are all blessed with it. That is the main reason why you are sitting in front of your laptop/computer right now and reading this!

We all want to experience a lot in life, want to SEE everything, but we don’t realize the true value of this blessing, the value of our eyes. And the few who do realize it, its only when they are debarred from it.

Here is just something I have to say about The Beauty Of Sight…

Since the beginning of time,
Or as I’ve been told,
Mankind have been blessed with,
The sense of sight.

 

Though I know not of the use
For I only see the terrors of the world.
Life as itself can only be the reality
Not the dreams that you imagine it to be.
A lost world is blurring in my vision.

 

My view is fixed to the
window of my own beliefs.
Though I haven’t seen many sights,
I can see that everything only
Means something if you look.

 

My eyes can only reach the horizon.
What is beyond those borders are unknown.
“So much is left outside,”
Where nothing is sure.

 

I want to believe,
But I cannot conceive,
The images that are meant to be seen.
Only if there is a cup full of passion,
Filling the mind and the void.

 

I have no choice but to become,
The role I was born to fulfill.
I’m like a ship without a star in the night.
To have no destination is to have nothing.
I cannot find the path
Of my destined fate.

 

If I gather my lucky charms,
And seek the true path,
I shall be given my future on a platter.
It is then that I truly see,
The beauty of sight.

 

 



Celebrating... Imperfection

There is nothing ever wrong with being wrong. It’s just the thinking of a hypocritical society that drives you to accept this notion.

Imperfection is the driving force, the reason why you still get up, every single day thinking that you have to achieve, that you have to be better, that you have to gain something or rarely in fact, that you have got to live coz you still haven’t lived it perfectly.

You’re not the most talented person in the world? Face it. There are more than 6 billion out there.

You don’t speak much in front of people? That’s alright.

You don’t look like an offspring of Angelina Jolie? That’s alright too.

You’re not a leader- not everyone is.

You don’t make good decisions? Time to make some…time to play fluke with some too.

I love being imperfect. And trust me, you’ll love it too. When you accept that what you are isn’t anything bad. When you accept that the school of life has some occasional recesses- and that you just got to play when their time comes.When you accept that you have to learn- at every step, at every moment. But either ways, you’ll still be imperfect. Coz there’s always something that you have left out- and that is just what makes you feature at the top of a Perfect List.

Confused?

People always are..

Random Thoughts!!!!

A sudden string of random, cascading thoughts blowing through my mind, each making less sense than the previous one…… Let me share them with you dear friends, for your own sanity's sake????

1.) I want to become old. Becoming old is silly. You forget things, and WORST of all, you have grandchildren. Scrawny, jumpy little things. What on earth are you supposed to DO with them? I’m a grand child, and since day one, I have taken it up as a personal responsiblity to harass all old people (frankly i love their company, grandma tales)…. Let my own even come NEAR me, and I WILL whack them with that stupid walking stick…

2.) I want a new Phone. my old one is stupid. Everyone, from my professor in college to The new baby in town has attacked it, dropped it, and basically, man handled it. It now makes funny, silly sounds on a regular basis.

3.) Veg food is tasty. But nonveg, no way. Nonveg doesn’t agree with me. No nonveg. Indigestion.

4.) My feet are VERY large. Very, very large. Quite Hagrid- like, really. Baby dolphins. I’ve been told that if I ever decide to kick anyone, they’d be knocked into the next province.

5.) My hands are big, too. Very big. Again, Hagrid-like. Dustbin lids. I miss being small. And tiny. And normal.

6.) What will going to college again be like? Fun? Testing? Difficult? Ultimate?

7.) I’ve been thinking of turning my blog into a part review site. What say?
8.) Will my mom ever be able to live without me?
9.) How will anyone ever convince me to get married?

10.) 13 is unlucky. I don’t like 13. Do you?

11.) 14, much better. Will I ever STOP daydreaming?

12.) Randomness, missingness, leavingness…..Do I just basically use ‘ness’ too much?

13.) Will I ever really dance in the rain? Or is it way too slippery to do so?

14.) Is boredom affecting my mental stability?

15.) Was I a pyromaniac in my last life? Wait, wait, wait, do I even believe that I HAD a last life? Why am I so addicted to fire? Oh, look, a candle!

16.) Do I like the fact that I have not done ONE productive thing in the month gone by?

17.) Will life's results ever, EVER be declared?

18.) Will it ever, EVER snow in Mumbai?

19.)Do bald men use soap or shampoo on their heads?

20.) Will I really become an author? Do I want to become an author? If not that, what the hell will I do with my life?

21.) I didn’t want to end on 21. 21 is so disproportionate. I don’t like 21. Therefore, let’s end on 22.

To the World, in general,
I’m crazy. So sue me!

Sometimes I miss my childhood!

Before you read here’s something I want to say.
This one is just out of emotions… Remembering those days, seeing old friends and watching those beautiful old pictures, sometimes has an effect.

I would like to dedicate this one to all my friends in hostels, far from their homes and a few who really are feeling homesick these days… and also to those who will be far from their families in future

Don’t go for the rhyme (Which is “abcbdd” by the way) and just try to feel, who knows you might like it as well

I remember the time when dad was the most powerful man in the world…
I remember the time when I actually used to sleep in nights..!
I remember how I used to snuggle into my mummy's arms…
And how afraid I was of heights…
I remember when I didn’t know what clever or cunning meant and everything I knew was good…
Sometimes I miss my childhood..!
 

I remember the time when mom’s lap was the snuggest bed for me…
I remember how small things made me happy which now I can’t describe…
I remember how precious a small pencil could be…
And how ecstatically I expressed things I used to imbibe…
I remember how everyone spoke the language of love to me and no one was misunderstood…
Sometimes I miss my childhood..!

I remember how an outing meant everyone together…
I remember how our love wasn’t restricted to Mother’s and Father’s day…
I remember the taste of the food mom made especially for me…
and how I never laughed when instead of happy, someone said gay…
I remember how playing in streets was in our routine and we were the champs of the neighbourhood…
Sometimes I miss my childhood..!

I remember how I used to rise early and go to school…
I remember how polishing the school shoes was also a duty…
I remember the assembly, the periods and the friends…
with whom how a treat meant a pack of chips and a frooty…
I remember how we didn’t care for the future and how we scribbled on those tables of wood…
Sometimes I miss my childhood..!

I don’t say I want to relive those days…
Neither do I complain against the life I live…
But I just wish things were simple again…
and we could live freely, without worries and see what pleasure it can give…
What all I want is an unassuming life although with all its excitements, and would steal those moments, if I could…
Sometimes I miss my childhood..!

Ps: The Thought For This One Was Strengthened After I Read This By One Of My Favourite Authors

“Another Belief Of Mine: That Everyone Else My Age Is An Adult, Whereas I Am Merely In Disguise.”—Margaret Atwood
 

Life is too short

It takes so much time to discover. Discover your identity, what you want to be, and your ambition.

After discovering, it takes so much time to accept it all. Sometimes, there is a part of you that doesn’t want to be what you are.

Your eyes fall on the person next to you, and you want what they have- their beauty, their popularity, their wit, charm- just about anything.

Something about their personality – that you suddenly want to infuse into your own.

Say, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to do that. That is an absolutely normal feeling but it’s normalcy has got conditions. Namely- you don’t lose your individuality while conducting the transition and secondly, subtlety is a good choice in this case.

Once you’re done with the acceptance, transitions and finally you start enjoying life, you realize that you’re going to die tomorrow.

Life is too short.

Well Apparently...

Well apparently you never are a child.

Well apparently you should never talk your emotions out and keep it inside, so what if its kills you?!

Well apparently you should never keep your hopes high. Even when you get the worst! stick to it, that’s what its meant for.

Well apparently if you want to cry, well hold it right away! Cause no one really cares. All your emotions and feeling are meant to stay within you!

Well apparently you are always wrong, at-least for the other person, yes you are.

Well apparently if there is trouble, its all your fault.

Well apparently if you are confident and sure of what you want from life stop right there cause you are wrong! Because you are the over confident piece of shit who deserves nothing but a harsh downfall.

Well apparently strength is just a mirage, a hallucination. Don’t believe in it, its like a glass slab, it will shatter with your words.

Well apparently your own don’t know you. So, all that can be done to make things easy is give it up!

Well apparently you should not strive for the better. If you get stuck, just CHUCK!

Well apparently you cry when you see a decade to the front without them. Just stay silent.

Well apparently all you complain about your life was your side of the selfish story.

Well apparently you must stop dreaming, stop talking, start bearing, stop feeling, you mustn’t have tears. Just believe that you were never a child. Just believe that and you will grow into a fine adult.

I knew all of this already, Didn’t need an ugly confrontation just to hear that.

The world will be blurred.

There, much better.
I have to try, though. Will try not to feel, not to think, not to dream

Thank you, world. It was a lovely day. Until next time

 

Because you are my MOM....

Because you are my mom you loved me before I was ever seen
You thanked God for this miracle, this little human being
So exciting, yet fragile it all must have seemed to you then
Hearing my little heart beat inside you, now life begins

Because you are my mom no pain was too great for you to bear
Now you’re a mother and I your child with joys and pains to share
And so into this world my life began each breath now on my own
One day we will look back at just how much I’ve grown

Because you are my mom you worried for me within your every bone
You finally let go of my little hand to take my first steps on my own

Because you are my mom you showed me through the years
To care about others and their feelings and the things that they hold dear

Because you are my mom you taught me right from wrong
Understanding that my faith in God will forever keep me strong
Showing me that being my own person is the only tool I’ll need
When morals and values are your foundation to succeed

Because you are my mom you loved me enough to also be my friend
You would be right there in ways that no one could see or ever comprehend
When there was no way I thought you could ever understand
There you would be, non-judging and willing to lend a hand

Because you are my mom, God’s gift to me was you
As your daughter I will always love you and promise to be true
I thank you for so many things and will try to never make you sad or blue

Because you are my mom, and one-day I will be a mother too
I pray I never forget all that you’ve been through
I am your daughter and in your image I am proud to be
By the grace of the Lord you were created, and then I came to be

just something I wrote for my mum, to tell her, her importance in my life and how much a I need her with every passing moment.

Jai Hind!!!

The definition of Independence Day, as taught to us in school, is "the day India was liberated from the British rule". The earliest memory I have of Independence is the school holiday and also of receiving "mithai" laddoos in primary school on the previous day. I also remember strangers handing out flags to people passing by, the delicous sweets made at home. Hence August 15th has always been a day of festivity and celebration.  August 15th was special for another reason – as a member of the girl guides I looked forward to participating in the Independence Day parade. Ah, those were the days!

'Mera Bharath Mahan' was the slogan of the day and my heart used to swell with pride every time I heard the song 'Mile Sur Mera Tumhara' on television.

Independence Day still remains a very special day to me. But the question remains..   Does celebrating our Independence Day on August 15th alone make us Independent? After 65 years of Independence, are we truly independent? In spite of the advancement in technology, is India Shining? No doubt people have more luxuries now than at the time of Independence, but rather than simplifying life, they only seem to have made things more complicated. Crime rates are on the increase and there is a decrease in racial tolerance.

For me, being independent means not having to go in search of greener pastures to a foreign land. Being independent means not nursing ambitions to possess a passport of a different colour. Being independent means not having to cringe when introducing your heavily accented South/North Indian colleague to your American/ British boss. Being independent means sending your child to an Indian school that follows an Indian curriculum without complaining about the wrong pronunciations and grammar that is being taught by the teacher (this may not be applicable to all). Being independent means not having to bribe your way through the rigmarole associated with any government/legal procedure. Being independent means being able to love everyone around me irrespective of caste, creed or colour and be concerned about everyone's welfare, as I am concerned about mine - to share what God has given me with those less privileged ones. India will be independent when each of her citizens is able to enjoy the fruits of freedom. Only then will India truly be Saare Jahan se Achcha Hindustaan Hamara.

To quote Rabindranath Tagore, "Where the mind is without fear and the head is held high, into the freedom of heaven let my country awake!" When this is accomplished, only then will we be truly independent. Jai Hind!

And to sum it up.. Dis one's for u Fr.Leslie Almeida.. Remembering the speech u wud give after the flag hoisting every year on this day begining with "Shayad 100 mein 90 behmann phir bhi mera Bharat Mahaan.".. Believe it or not every time i hear the national anthem i think of u

just some four letter words

hard
kiss
dark
loud
eyes
yell
grab
tear
soul
mind
ooze
drip
come

done

I dont suffer from insanity.. i enjoy every minute of it

I dont suffer from insanity.. i enjoy every minute of it

the weeks been killer.

1) Did you ever notice if you're in an elevator and there's only one other person there with you, they've got terrible gas? and you have to go 14 floors together?

2) How can something be new and improved? if it's new, what was it improving on?

3) What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?

4) Did you know Humpty Dumpty was pushed?

5) If people from Poland are called Poles, why are not people from Holland called Holes?

Im losing it. hm, what is it? and did i ever have it? why does it have to be so important, if you dont have it, would you cease to exist? does it matter that you have no idea what you are talking about?

and as usual im sitting there mindin my own business when.....well for once nothing happened. i was just sittin there. the computer decided it wouldnt let me save my files, making things harder. i begged, i pleaded, even got down on my knees( u better not be thinkin anything funny here, pervert) - but it wouldnt listen. i even promised to marry it and be faithful and put the little chips thru law school..............nothing.

i am indeed alone.

and remember marriage means commitment. of course, so does insanity.

 

u know ur alone..

u know ur alone when
-theres no one else to take the last train home
-the clickin u hear is an echo in the emptiness
-the mirror cracks with no apparent reason
-the coffee machine spits out sludge
-tomorrow is a deadline that will never come
-there is only one trail
-the hollow siezed up
-the salt tasted like a bitter pill
-apathy is ur friend, friend? apathy is u
-the bomb that blew everything up didnt
-ur shadow never existed
-ur heart started beating
-the devil smiles at u
-smearing ur face with tears was tribute to the living
-regurgitating is entertainment
-that blade shined so
-the wall stares back at u
-the theory holds true
-all that blood u see is not urs

post in translation

estoy apesadumbrado que no utilicé el babel.

sitting and staring i began to think(that is a huge job - thinking) there was a time i nearly gave up on everything. nearly gave up on life itself. there were certain deciding factors that pushed me to that place. then there was just one thing, one person, who inadvertently changed the course of what could have been. so i'm here now. it is hard, but i can now progress, with a extended sense of being, towards the uncertain future. this is a future that holds good. choosing options, the right options....and after we spoke last night, i am more convinced. you should be too. you did think of it as well. not a coincidence. not a coincidence.

empty head
heavy heart
my life diminishes

thought/pondering/musing for the week: when you work in chaos, no one bothers you

if i said the last 3 weeks of my life were simply great, i would be lying.

it was beyond that. i have discovered, let go, cared for,  partied like it was the end of the world, worked like existence as a whole depended on it, touched, was touched, looked deep into the eyes of.., opened doors, laughed, hated myself even more, learn to live with, walked to the moon n back, re-lived and came out bruised, fell........and i dont want it to end.

I'm In Hate with Someone right now...............

You know at first I actually thought it was kinda funny, at first.... then it was just plain twisted .............and then the anger just bubbled over........

When people said curiosity killed the cat they were right........Its kills because what you see after its satisfied, just kills you.....Figuratively speaking........

you know its real when you see them flutterbies in the wind.
dont forget them "helicopters", works out in ways (in a state of freedom) we cant even decipher.
and they get to where they must be.

been busy
been an asshole
been thinking like my world depended on a despondent being
been destructive
looked forward to nothingness,
and all that it has got to offer
looked back at what could have been,
and so happy that it wasnt
looked away from the flash that nearly blinded
and thats when i caught a glimpse
looked at my hands and then my reflection
and i couldnt help but smile

if this is what there is, heck, i know where i wanna head even if i dont kno where im goin. perhaps the recent incident  provided for a change i didnt want but so desperately needed. puttin things into the proverbial perspective. the soul search ride into the cemetery garden and the near breakdown in the middle of nowhere. funny. hey girl u got an answer. did i ever mention that when i started thinking, noises surrounded me, the car horn sounded even better? there are no feelings but a rather matter-of-fact"ual" resonance.

"we dont do that here"
"U dont do that"
and so blah-di-blah-blah-bllllllaaaaaaahhhhh

A relationship works to the extent that it fullfills the needs of the two people involved.............
Sometimes you just have to look out for yourself..............
Today I realised that in the last few weeks I have been reliving a dream.......once possible but not anymore.......I think I just woke up.............Or maybe I just grew up....

Wedding Blues?

Yesterday, I accompanied my mother to wedding, that of a neighbor from Sakinaka (where I resided earlier and spent the better part of my life to date). It has been four years since I shifted to Miraroad and from the time I’d shifted, I’ve been to Sakinaka only a few couple of times. So, I was expecting to meet most of my childhood friends, if not all, at the wedding reception. And so I did. Not only my friends but also the elders, whom we fondly referred to as uncles and aunties. Also, expected was the fact that I’d have to face the evitable questions from those folks “So, when are you getting married?”
This question has been asked 2 me numerous times and I’m used to answering it depending on the occasion and the person asking it.

Here I’m listing down a few of my reactions to the forbidden yet oft asked question:

My favorite answer to that question is: I’m lucky, I guess.

Married? What’s that? (Yesterday, I was shameless enough to reply with this, even as I was attending the reception of one ;)

Sometimes, when asked the question, I complement the person for his/her attire, thus veering the person away from the topic.

Many a times I break into a run without replying and steer as far away as possible.

Yesterday, when a girl asked me the question, I replied: I thought you’d never ask. She scooted. I did too, albeit in the opposite direction.


P.S.: I’m running out off answers to the question. Any further alternatives are welcome and will be appreciated.

Desperate!!! nice term that.....oh well its the weekend, so its fine. ill recover.


some good things have happened this week. and for some strange reason, i didnt really care about some of them. i mean, yeah, theres relief but....priorities have changed. thats a given. ive understood for some years now that wants are just that, wants. but when a need is fulfilled and the feeling to it is numb, was it really a want all this time? nah, cuz, i analysed, then i dissected, then i put it into a jar and added water and shook it(just to see what would happen), then i took it out and squeezed the excess water out of it, then i left it to dry. conclusion - it was a need and i didnt care.

need a vacation. real soon. so in light of that, have a little break comin my way for a few days. no emails, no phones - just me, my self, some books, oh yeah some food too. my only hope is that the temperature drops by another few degrees by that time. so love monsoon. there is something so serene about it. and when its gets cloudy with that cold breeze blowing, yeah.....

The one who cares the least controls the relationship.
This is beyond the theory and should be considered as a law of relationship physics.
Chemical reactions in humans are responsible for this stuff and to display an uncaring attitude and disdain for relationships will score, sometimes.
Sorry , but humans are flawed as a species and so cannot be happy for long.
Just not possible. Control is an illusion

I found this in my drafts and was surprised and perturbed by it, did I write this? I had and have no recollection of these ideas being part of my repository of thoughts.
Re-reading for the 5th time

I can say that this wasn't me, perhaps I had planned to dispute these ideas...???
But the evidence of these ideas in actuality just went thru my thoughts  while once discussing on broken relationships with a dear friend who expressed to me then  about how he firmly believed that "he who cares less wins" (reminded me of that awful show who dares wins)
I listened and didn't comment, letting him vent is good I reasoned with myself, but part of me the perturbing part, agreed with him. caring less means getting hurt less

working on this premise one will tend to invest less of one's self emotionally to avoid hurt
and investing oneself less will almost definitely lead one's relationship to become less
and then hurt will follow anyway?
or will it be reduced because one didn't care enough to begin with??

Absence of less hurt will reinforce one's care-less attitude
and a vicious circle has begun....
love life and learning all rolled into this chain of thought
Science is just a reductionist cop out

grow up sometime

when we were in school we wanted to be doctors, teachers, lawyers, astronauts and whatever. i think when i was growing up i just wanted to be. i look back at and realise i didnt have that kind of dream. there was an obvious inclination but no real motive - i wanted to be a pilot. later it was to be an architect. but if these are "dreams" that fade quickly then its not what u want/need to be.

what made me gave up my air force pilot dreams? there was a little accident that altered my life completely and i had no intention of ever being part of ground crew. and so there i was a kid, without a dream and i wanted to be just like other kids. and eventually i decided upon architecture(hmmm in retrospect that would have been a scary move. me a designer of machine or structure that could just explode). what made me change my mind? i didnt want to study anymore. or perhaps i realised i wanted to be unlike the others. my identity is the only thing that is mine.

shud i give that up to be part of a cliched bunch? be accepted? flow with the tide? there are times when this thought cannot be silenced. it is hard going against norms. last year a friend said this much "let the storm cease, then swim safely to shore". makes sense. question is if i wait for the storm to cease, will i get comfortable that i let the tide take me wherever? not for long. because whats inside cannot be quelled.
so if ur an outcast, heretic....take heart that u were never to be understood by the masses but by beings who transcend the superficial.
peace.

right now im thinkin, when i grow up i wanna be successful youn woman, or the rich young lady in town or the happy house wife... :-)

well somethings gotta give. i cant well go postal can i now? but the thought is there.

outside of work, life has been good to me.

theres so much to write, so much to talk about....but for another time.

alls i kno is, its good to feel good. and i want this forever.

i see hope

in the words of sarge - "todaaaay is a good day to go to church"(the words in italics can be replaced with whatever you want)

woke up early. showered. picked up my bag and ran. wasnt gonna miss the 8.15am mass!! and it was already 8.00. 10 minutes later and no auto in sight."thats it, im gonna miss the 8.15am mass".

then came a auto. "public transportation so rules!!!!!" reached the church vicinity in 5 minutes."niiiiicee!!" the area around the church is under heavy construction. as i was makin my way to church suddenly noticed almost all access routes were blocked off. there was just the one access way.

"8.16." and to get to that i would have to go all the way round which would take a lot of time. there was this group of girls just behind me. we stood there for a few moments. then one of them climbed down the trench and walked on the exposed pipes, climbed out. they helped each one out. finally i made my way across. as i reached the end, i suddenly saw this hand reach out. i looked up to see the first girl who made her way across . she smiled and helped pull me up.

i have never in my life been offered help like this by a girl.

so there was nothin that was goin to stop me from attending service today.
it was more than worth it. of all days today it was worth it.

looking back

looking back
most trials are inconsequential.

confiding to the wasted, what was there is now. and my toes and my fingertips, numb. so numb. but i can can actaully feel as i wave.

"yeah, ill get it done. theyre gonna get through it before i am gonna get through"
and i fell farther than ever before, i feel even more alive.

human relationships are the most diabolical!!

i like the relationship i have with a tv set. i know where im headed. sometimes the batteries of the remote die, but they can easily be replaced. tvs dont misunderstand. they take you for what u r.

tv sets are simple.

we re not.

No Reservations

I've got a fairly recent guilty pleasure... I love watching Anthony Bourdain's show, Anthony Bourdain No Reservations. He has one of the coolest jobs I've ever seen... He's a chef, he's an author, and he's a traveler. He goes to places from the exotic to the perceived-to-be mundane and tries the local dishes that can range from gourmet to the fare of those in abject poverty. He can appreciate the perfect hamburger just as much as the perfect pan-seared foie gras. He's no snob, and I love that about his show. It's unpretentious and often laughs at itself.

One of his experiences I envy the most was in Brazil. He and some rich chicks went to a lady's house whose job it is to cook and entertain paying company in her own little home. The sang, danced, drank, ate, ate, ate, and then all took a nap on a big bed with all the innocence of a collection of kittens. How perfect would a day like that be?

Amen.. I'm alive

Suddenly there is so much to say … (The reason I started blogging)… it’s actually a good feeling… “I moved that block!!!”

Life seems to be taking on a good direction. Getting oppurtunities to actually do what I wanted to do and though I never really looked at it that way i.e. as “Things I want to do” I am glad its happening. I suppose all this is leading to a good formation of the thoughts. “Interesting” – (that’s what I’m thinking right now). Perhaps this is for the good hmm… thinking, it probably is, considering that everything happens for a reason.

For a change the days too have been passing by with the unexpected note (the way I like it). For a change it’s been  good days… without any regret rolls (that’s a whisper just afraid to be speaking too soon). No backstage issues… I could go through that bungee jump right now as in right right now…don’t know about laters cause I whispered :)

Things have been moving, started reading again and yes going to finish it this time, over the last year I’ve started 4 books outta which I completed 2. Two I left half way which I think is not good. For now, no interest to go over em again and finish it…

But I’ve started reading another this year.. And looking at my interest I suppose I’ll see the end of this one for sure. Thinking about setting some reading targets for the rest year... Probably a little too late for New Year resolutions… but what the hell!!! – Better late than never…

I think this is a good start… Hoping for that good end… I believe.. “If its not fine, Its not the end…”

Yesterday had this encounter with a person, I prefer to keep anonymous who was filled with bitterness and hatred… may or may not be his/her fault but still it was there.. it was a phone conversation and at the end of it… all I was thinking …and singing to myself was

"If everyone cared and no body cried
If everyone loved and no body lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
Then we'd see the day when no body died
Amen... I'm Alive"

Will say more about this song... but will leave that for another day

“The most profound statements are often said in silence.” - Lynn Johnston (1947 - ), ForBetter or For Worse, 01-15-04

It could be worse

Things have been a lot tense lately.. so much that I used to feel choked. And as if things were not bad enough...it just got worse.. had a bug attack last night.. well I'm exaggerating.. just saw one big fella but when it comes to bugs I feel their one toooo many. Argh..

I'm paranoid about keeping things clean so you can only imagine my situation the whole day!! :-D - NOT FUNNY!!!.... managed to clean in and around the bed, spray, do the laundry - the works!!! Hopefully I did a good job.. will find out soon....

Like I've said before... this is probably God's way of telling me.. Stop worrying.. things could get worse!!!...
Anyways leaving it to that for now... more on the drama laters...

Heard the following at a service yesterday, and just wanted to share it... :).. like an eye opener...makes your wanna be grateful...

What is a Blessing???

The Creator reminds us that blessings are counted in the way that we choose to look at them.

• Anything that has brought a smile to your lips, joy to your heart or a lightness to your step is a blessing.
• Anything that has made your life more comfortable, has lightened your burden or has brought warmth to your home is a blessing.
• Anything that has made supported your body, has increased your endurance or has opened your heart is a blessing
• Anything that has made you look deeper, has expanded your understanding or has increased your compassion is a blessing
• Anything that has tested your strength, has fortified your commitment or has forced you to grow is a blessing
• Anything that has reminded you of how precious life is and has taught you to treasure your relations is a blessing

~Jamie Sams

A Tribute

It was such a lovely day I thought it a pity to get up.
- W. Somerset Maugham

I cannot deny that some days do feel like that, but something tells me today is not one of those...Woke up with this feeling of thanks for all the people I've met in my past and the difference they have made and make till date.

Looking back seems like, I've been blessed more than I ever thought I was. Its amazing how we just bond with certain people. How in spite of the way it seems when you first them, it always changes. People you think you could never befriend, end up making all difference by just the little or weirdest things they say or do...

And, how these people, are the only ones that are the types that give you this great feeling of "I don't care who you are, where your from, don't care what you did...as long as you love me!!!" (you know what I mean). And the best thing is that they always, or almost always, drop at strategic times.

All this makes stronger my beliefs that we are never alone... someone up there is watching.

I wish somehow, on days when I would prefer not to wake up, these feelings are as strong as now...cause now (with 8 hours sleep and a happy mind) that I think about it... It's a reason to live...a reason to hope...

I miss them all...all together..

Then and Now

Meeting old friends has always been fun.. Yesterday evening had been for this party where I met friends from school and I’m talking about friends from the 7th and 8th standard.. Good old times.. Good old memories..

Back then would've never thought we'd all end up in the same place 10-12 years later... :). But here we are!!!!
This friend whose b’day I went for was my partner in the 6th standard...am gonna relate a story to you that he told me, rather reminded me about last year when I met him again!!!!... This is one very distinct memory he has in connection with me.. you'll know why in a bit...

Well, I used to be naughty kid with the innocent looks, the kind that would run around in the class as soon as the teacher left the room… :) a few of my good friends reading this would disagree with the innocent part but trust me this one time.. i'm talking about 6th standard.. :)... Ok so I write something in my book, (wrote the word F***) and I'm whispering to this guy innocently ... "This is a bad word ok... Don’t use it…"
When he told me that last year obviously I had no memory of it but couldn’t help but laugh at that… I’m thinking.. Sha!!!!…I was so naive … Those were the days.. he he… the “good” old days….

My friends now.. will have a totally different story to tell… (Psst.. word of advice.. don’t believe em .. )..... :) <- my naughty ;)

Wierd/Facts about The Great Nanet

.... Whokay....

Hmmm 10 weird things or 8 facts… or was it 8 weird things and 10 facts.. whatever it is.. I’m just gonna write whatever I can thing of for now…

So weird things about me ….

mmmm… hmmmm…..uummmmm……arey i'm thinking…. Ah!!!!....ok… here goes..

1. The best compliment I think I’ve got till date is “You have a nice set of teeth”, from a dentist; I must add, I remember that day as one of my happiest.
2. Oh I sometimes brush with my left hand, just as practice if someday for some reason I cannot use my right…why???? Don’t ask…I don’t know
3. When I was younger I wanted to be an astronaut… but that I wouldn’t say is weird.
4. I talk to my code/computer when I work.. But I know a couple of people who do that; they work with me…. :-)
5. I cannot sit crossed legged on the floor… I’ve had friends laugh at me for that… I can sit on a bed like that but not on the floor :-|
6. I don’t like cheese, but I’ll eat it on a pizza or in a sandwich (if I don’t see/know it’s in there)

Some facts about me…

I can doze standing!!!!... This ability was discovered by my mom one evening in the church while attending mass
I love to sit idle
I enjoy making lists for trips or long journeys
I like to trouble kiddies but I like to play with them too :)
I love Karan Johar movies   (k......... series)
I like to read nething and evrything
I'm bad with colors. I cannot clearly distinguish some shades of green and blue and gray…
You’ll mostly find me in casuals, unless am going to church or some function
I don’t like to have white milk i.e. milk without any flavor or color. In college there were times I used to mix haldi when there was nothing else.
I can type (SMS/Keyboard) fast.. its the thoughts that come out slowly :)

This is it.. all I can think of for now…

SSSSPPPPPPAAAAARRRRTTTTTTTAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!... Just received a SMS from Rohan which read that, so thats whats on my mind now... WOoops and that’s another one :) !!!!!

My Name is Tokatokuchi Katoteshikateku

the other day i called my friend thin,shes not. in fact shes a perfect figure for what models look like. that got me thinking.

now im kinda thin. there are times when i get even thinner makin me a lamp post model (see i make fun of myself as well).

so back to my point, if someone who is not fat or thin (average nanet) were to make fun of me, i would have to take it. but if the same person made fun of someone who is overweight, it would be frowned upon, makin average nanet an insensitive person. for that matter if i were to make fun of a person who is thin, that would put me in class of A1 jerk offs.

now if the thin person were to make fun of me, i have to bear it. and this ok!? is it that only thin people have some sort of social stigma attached to their girth? if some of them have psychological issues, medical issues - can't a person who is overweight have the same issues?

i can gain weight easily, i can't lose it very easily tho. i cant help that my metabolism leaves me this way. i cant find clothes to ever fit right. too loose, too tight, too short (stout n tall, thatd be me), oh yes and i cant find chappals to fit right even..

whats my point? er, i forget. the new flavor of the week at naturals icecream parlour shop made me forget.
on a easier note, i got somewhat hurt my back last nite. now that, laydeez n gennlemen is the right way to kick off a weekend.

and if u want to know what ur name is spelled like in japanese as in the title, use the table below. just received this in my inbox.

A - ka
B - tu
C - mi
D - te
E - ku
F - lu
G - ji
H - ri
I - ki
J - zu
K - me
L - ta
M - rin
N - to
O - mo
P - no
Q - ke
R - shi
S - ari
T - chi
U - do
V - ru
W - mei
X - na
Y - fu
Z - zi

mcspicy chicken with fries and a coke please

at macdonalds this afternoon.

McSpicy Chicken Burger. mind went back to some years ago ,when i used to work parttime giving tuitions. one afternoon, my friend came along and said "i got something for you". "what?". and he pulled a
chicken mcgrill out of his pocket, all wrapped up and kinda flattened. that day he wasnt a friend, he was brother. for life.

Mc Donalds.. M loving it........



judge not..errr.. judge away

fear not
for i am metal head
i come to you with hope
that you may understand
the meaning of all that rocks!!!
you know if God didnt want us to head bang, He wouldnt have given us necks.

when i was growin up(like i ever will!), mom used to give freedom to choose whatever. she always knew. instilled in us the difference between right and wrong. good and bad. times have changed. our need to survive supercedes any and all. what if someone does something wrong but the motive wasnt to cause harm but to help? are we allowed to be judgemental in our approach? what if all the reasons are not clear or correctly interpreted? by being judgemental have we not cast the first stone? it is also very easy to accuse one of being judgemental. inherently we all are.

i am frequently accused of being judgemental. perhaps i am. what if im not? i have a constant need to explain my questions or actions, because people wont get what im trying to say or do. why do i do this? to "fit in". fit into what? as long as i can fit into my fav pair of jeans, nothing shud matter, right?....right? we're constantly battling ourselves and others to prove a point, when the greater cause is ignored. what is the greater cause? somebody tell me cause i lost the plot somewhere along the way.

when most of us begin this journey, we seek. in these times of blantant advertising, can it be that we've missed what we were lookin for in the first place? and then we stray. is it accident? or the truth of greater forces? is it all a lie? what if the lie was the truth? the truth definitely lies in the lie. or is the other way round? why did i ever do what i did on that fateful day? did i not think of consequence? yes, i did. did it matter? yes it did. then why am i holding my head in despair? why am i fighting all that flows? why am i fighting myself?
when the fight ends, who will emerge victorious? i reckon, the truth that lay dormant in the darkness that the lie created.

"I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity"

the walls getting higher.... in isolation i die

the walls getting higher.... in isolation i die

been a long week.

and i found out i am so good,and dont even know it.yep!!

works been drivin me crazy but im so drawn to it. there be many voids to fill and work has always been a great filler. feelin agigated lately and i dont kno what to do.

met wit some friends yesterday evenin and we went out for coffee and gossip..to a restaurant that specialised in nothingness. we spoke a lot about work. i dont have anything else to talk about(i like to work, i like my job, i just wish things were fair, but thats racism for you). and the girls threatened me. "we wont go out with you if u keep payin" {sue me}. hey if u dont wanna go out......

i was  feelin somewhat ill dis whole week. i havent had time to recover, attended office d whole week though  after i found out i could stand .but then thats how im built.


last week im told not to hate the world so much. and not to hate myself. i dont hate myself, i just dislike a lot of things, hmmm, notetoself:ignore more often. maybe its not the world i hate but the world i kno. and i kno i definitely dislike what i see. dystopian reality in an egalitarian dream!! hardy har har!! last week also had to go face to face. and i came out on top. but that still didnt change the fact that what happened was not right. im not right all the time, but when i am , I AM! deal with it you loused up idiots!!

great news this mornin, actually this afternoon, my friend Vinita got a lil baby boy.the strange part is theres this word (hyatt = life)stuck in my head from sometime last week. and guess what she calls her.....we spoke for quite a while. she may come down to India for a few daze. we got a lot of catching up to do.

and finally for all those who want to quit their job but dont kno what to write....

Dear Sir/Madam,


Subject: Resignation,


I Love Your Husband/Wife.

Thank You......... ...




GOD so rules!! truth be told here, i lag behind, disappointed and feeling condemned and angry, but HE sure knows how much punishment i can take and then HE pulls me out like nothing has happened and everything is sorted out. i may not be religious in a way conventional, ive had my share of x-file experiences with GOD, but what HE did for me this week and i asked HIM because there was no way out but a gun, and HE was there. HE WAS THERE!!

One of the most painful ingredients of human life is the moment of judgment. When you are judged for your worth, when you are judged for your talent, when you are judged for your value.

Many of us have the ability to judge ourselves the best. Most would agree that it is the most honest moment in the life of an individual. Your own rating of your ability, your strengths, your weaknesses are never flawed. It is rare when at times you surprise yourself in your own judgment. It is indeed rare, when others agree and match their assessment with yours and indeed so destroying when they do not.

Facing rejection is the most cruel biding. But facing the face of rejection is unbearable. At least for me. I would be most inefficient in rejecting. Every time I watch a reality show on TV on the announcement of the elimination of the contestants, I would myself die a hundred deaths. That moment for me as an audience  is most disconcerting. I was once appointed judge for a speech competition when in college, and I swore after that, that I would never want to be in a chair where I would have to pass judgment on another fellow human, in similar circumstances. What and how do you address the rest of the contestants, all turned up in their best, that they are lesser than the other. How can one human be less than another ? Having participated in many stage competitions i must say Those moments have been the most painful. I would rather not be there. Taking sides in an incident for me – an issue that I as an individual,  find difficult to cope with. I would rather submit and withdraw than feel the hurt that the other has been subjected to.

Many denounce me for this my temperament. Those that have access to a personal comment on me will invariably propound – ” Stop trying to be such a noble, stop trying to be Mahatma Gandhi !”
No !! It is not about nobility or Gandhism, its about the quality of my nature, my construct. I do not question its righteousness or its error, I merely express my within. This is how it is and this is how it shall remain.
So yes I watch many of the reality shows on TV with great interest and expectation, but I also invite with it on myself, the figure of rejection on others. Everyone will not win in this contest, or in life. There will be losers too. But rather than submit to fate and resign, I would want to accept that ‘so long as there is life, there is struggle’, and with that continue to keep banging against an unbreakable wall, not with any expectation that it shall give way, but with the belief that I would never have known that it would not, if I had not tried.

Ahh !!! Too philosophical for early morning

Spent sometime on the piano after long, fiddling with the keys and frustrating over the fact that I never trained to comlete the learning course .. perhaps someday I shall. Someday. Someday learn a few more languages, of my own land first and then of the international. Someday discover my country and its wealth of history culture and ethics. Someday read all that I never did read. Someday not follow routine and schedule. Someday be free from commitment to others for others. Someday be with myself, alone, away in thought and isolation … and just live …

Life without your affection and love would not be living …