The Resting Of Change

I love fall. I love the change of colors, smells and definitely the change of temperature! I love snuggling into a warm sweater and hearing the leaves crunch under shoes. I can relate to the squirrels saving up for winter. I’m all about the change of seasons, but changes in the seasons of life…not so much.

I hate change. I’m what some would call boring. I’d rather say I’m stable. I like routine. I like vanilla ice cream, if I’m feeling particularly daring I’ll add chocolate sauce. I take the same route every time I go to the station, grocery store, church or the mall. I like consistency, stability and certainty. Period. Change?

Not a fan.

I just turned thirty. but, I will tell you, on my twentieth, the BIG 2-0, I struggled. A lot. I knew this would be a decade of enormous change and I dreaded it. Honestly, I was mad and terrified. At twenty, several huge changes were staring down (or should I say up?) the hill, at me and I wanted to run and hide.

These changes included being a  responsible daughter. Facing grave life issues, Worries at home- work- relationships, the decision to marry an unknown person, change of home It’s really hard! Who knew?! Finally, I knew this decade meant starting to go through “the change”. Don’t even get me started! Unexpected facial hair and hormone flairs, really?!

Well, as you can tell I panicked at twenty. FYI, panicking never helps. As I threw myself down on my house floor (yes, I actually did) I was reminded and have had to remind myself over and over again. He never changes. Life was changing in big emotionally exhausting ways all the time and yet. He doesn’t change. Over the course of the last seven years, still in the midst of these changes, He speaks in a still quiet voice through His Word.

"Nanu, I don’t change."

"I don’t get tired"

"I don’t get overwhelmed."

"I don’t freak out with hormonal changes."

"I don’t grow weary and deplete."

"I don’t change."

"I am safe."

"I am full."

"I am complete."

"I am Who you need."

"I AM."

I have often camped in Isaiah 40: 28-31 Reminding myself of what is true, because it is true. I remind myself it doesn’t have to feel true to be true. Truth is true.

What do you treasure most in life?”

 This question was casually asked one evening during a get-together with friends.  Love and support from family, friends who have been through thick and thin, some special gifts, love notes during the dating days, drawings, good health… were some of the responses that we heard that evening. These are priceless treasures indeed.

I couldn’t share my thought that day, as I was needed in the kitchen for something. If I were to answer that question today, well… a loved one, friends, books, some accomplishments would feature in my list of what I treasure.

But if I delve a bit deeper, my answer would be a bit different. Treasure I am a sentimental woman and have always been like that. I hold close the moments and memories that touch me or bring me joy. I cherish the moment when I met a friend and we chatted away to glory, conversations with a cousin overseas, a long walk with my mom or the regular things Paa and I do together. All these are not spectacular or something profound but moments like these are stored in my heart as great treasures.

Today, I’d like to share two of my all time favourite treasured moments and memories…

Not All Heroes Wear Capes

Some years ago, I was thinking about the troubles that were never ending just like the bus ride back home. So lost I was in complaining to God about my life and my circumstances that I was unaware of the tears that were streaming down my face. When a warm hand touched my hand, I nearly jumped out of my skin. I turned to look into the compassionate eyes of my co-passenger. Before my brain could process a reaction, the lady said, “I don’t know what’s troubling you. But I want you to know that you’ll get through it. Whatever ‘it’ is!”

Her words were exactly what I needed to hear. Those few simple words comforted me. Her words filled me with optimism and hope. And this memory is something that I treasure the most and is close to my heart.

Conversation Over Coffee

It was 2007, and I was meeting a friend that day in Bandra for something that we had to buy.

My friend texted me that she will be late by an hour. So I decided to have my favourite Chicken Burger from Hearshe Bakery at Hill road. I got myself a burger and Coke and sat under the tree on one of the Stones. On the next stone sat a man with some drink and I can’t remember what he was eating. I don’t remember how it started, but we got chatting. We talked about so many things and laughed so much.

Soon, it was time to leave and we just bid goodbye to each other. We didn’t ask for each other’s names or exchanged any personal details for that matter. It was one of the best conversations I had had with a stranger and this is when I don’t talk to strangers as a rule. This is another memory that I cherish a lot.

There are a lot more moments and memories like these, which I love and treasure. There are times when I don’t think about these moments for a long time, but a small hint or another memory brings them right back in the forefront and envelope me in that warm fuzzy feeling.

What do you treasure most in life?

A Stranger who made me Blush :-)

On Certain days I like to have my coffee alone, with no one barging in on my thoughts. For a minute in peace, I can draw a mental list of all things good and bad in my life. That Saturday was one of those times. I ordered my usual latte in a  coffee shop  bit far from the one where I usually go, to avoid the usual faces.

It felt nice. Just to sit outside, not worried about exchanging a hello to a known person or acquaintance. I watched the sun as it drowned in a sea of amber clouds and was happy to enjoy a clear weather which was of course a rarity during monsoons in Mumbai. It was that rainy day when the roads didn't seem flooded and I could finally manage to wear my new pair of shoes. Leaning over the glass table, I stole a look at them. I was impressed with myself momentarily for finding such a pair at the Sale for straight fifty percent off. I smiled ear to ear fiddling with the napkin holder.

A sudden thud on my table broke my self-appreciation half way. Another cup of coffee found its place along with mine. I looked up confused, only to find a tired apologetic face staring back at me. A tall man dressed in formals towered over me and my coffee.

"All the tables are full. I was hoping, since you are alone, I could borrow a chair." His voice was cracked as his eyes narrated the tale of a treacherous day. He needed his coffee time more than me. I nodded my head approvingly and slid my chair a little backwards since we were now sharing the same table.

"Thank you!" He sighed taking a sip.

"No issues." I mumbled picking up my cup from the table.

I watched him as he completed his coffee in silence. He looked miserable. Tie a bit undone, shirt a bit crumbled and an old black leather bag sitting on his lap. I wondered what struck him so hard. Getting fired and a cheating girlfriend were the first thoughts that crossed my mind.

I stared at him from the corner of my eye. He asked for a paper napkin and gestured for a pen. The next second, he started writing something on it. I wondered what could he be writing. His number for that waitress? A service note maybe?

I realized I was more of gossip monger when I was alone. So I scolded myself to mind my own business and decided to leave before it got dark.

 I could still see him standing at the counter, scribbling something. And when he was done, he pinned the napkin on the message board with all the other notes. I found it a bit strange. As he left, I got up to foot my bill.

Searching for my card inside the never ending pouched of my bag, my eyes fell on the note he pinned.

"Today was a crappy day. Actually the last couple of days have been the same. First my bike gets stolen, then I get kicked out as I couldn't keep up with my apartment rent and today my boss cancels my promotion. Well, the only good thing that happened today was a coffee at this place and the girl sitting in front of me.-KS"

I let off a chuckle reading it, not at his constant luck with misery, but at his ability to look and think beyond it. I walked out of the cafe, smiling unknowingly.

I too have been a part of a ruthless tryst with bad luck. Almost everyone has. And such encounters do leave a mark like every storm leaves a trail. But when to think about it, a few storms are necessary in our lives. To root out the unwanted and week thoughts cropping up in our minds. To settle the dust that was clouding the vision. The trace that storms like these will leave on our window panes, will eventually dry out in the sun. I wish I could have hinted him that in person.

But I did a leave a note of mine besides his on the board. It was like a story lost amongst hundreds of those messages, an encounter that found a small place. Just to let him know that there always be other survivors in the storm.

"Hey there 'KS'. I hope all your troubles die down soon. And I am flattered by your remark. Thank you! - 'the girl sitting in front of you.' "

Dear God, Thank You For All The Not so Good Things That Happened To Me

I don’t know if I believed there’s a God out there. But, right-now, I would like to believe that there is. And for now, I would like to believe that there’s more to life than heartbreak, betrayal and loss. I would like to believe that there are far better things than the ones we no longer have. I would like to believe that good in this world always wins. I would like to believe that we’ll find what we are looking for. And that happiness is possible to have and easy to obtain.

Dear God, thank you for the bad people who came into my life. They showed me the kind of person I don’t want to be. They helped me understand how good of a person I really am. Falling in love with people who didn’t deserve my kindness, my forgiveness or my love, made me see my worth. Trusting bad people taught me to forgive myself. Sharing my most vulnerable moments with people who don’t have good intentions taught me that we are always in control even when we don’t believe it.

Dear God, thank you for the grief I experienced too young because it made me resilient. I am not destroyed by the people who leave me because those have left already. I am not broken by unfortunate situations because I have lived moments when I thought I will never survive. I am not changed by what happens to me because I have seen hell and it only cleansed my soul.

Dear God, thank you for making me different. I am thankful that I don’t fit in, that I don’t belong here. I am thankful that wherever I go, I am the outsider. I feel like I’m in a constant battle with the world to simply be who I am. Because in a world of fake perfection, I’m honestly flawed. And in a world of money, status, looks and ego, I’m rich of my realness. It’s sadistic to have no home to go to. But, it’s a blessing in disguise because it sets you free.

Dear God, thank you for making me complicated. Over thinking drives me crazy but it protects me. It helps me predict what will happen, to see things before they come and to feel what’s wrong before I understand it. Being a deep person stole years away from me because it took time for me to heal. But, experiencing every feeling life could offer me, made my life journey magical. My nature of loving too much nearly killed me once too many times, but it allowed me to love someone other than myself, to look at someone and see them for who they are.

Dear God, thank you for all the bad things that happened to me because they gave meaning to my life. They made me see how good life is and how better it can be. The bad things made me humble that when the best things come and I have it all, I will cherish it. Because only then will I know what it is like to have nothing at all

Scent of my Mummy

Did it bring ur xpensive perfume fragrance to your minds? Naa….for me it's my mummy's smell – I say smell because I remember as a child sniffing her saris and clothes for that very unique essence which is hers. I can still feel it if I really want to. Looking back I wonder if I will manage to be unique sumday to my children not only with the God given gifts or instinct but more with my gestures, love and teachings imparted.

 I have a habit of announcing my arrival rite from the first step on the staircase, so that I don't have to wait outside the door much….. Must sound kiddish to the mature adults, but if everybody is grown up what's the fun?

Honest confession, I never did fully appreciate my mum, her hard work or her painstaking efforts before. Today, I see her in a different light, as a WOMAN. I still remember lying in the hospital, minutes before i had to udergo a surgery, I smelled the SCENT again and I awoke from my stupor, hoping to see my mama, sari clad sitting next to the bed as was the case always in childhood. But what happened literally shook me up and I share the experience with almost everyone.

In the words of my mother u are a big girl now but even today for all the silly things i do and all my stupid talks Her reaction when she sees me is(in the words of MASTER CARD) – PRICELESS !!

I guess those are the moments that make your life, your living worthwhile, being there when you are most wanted but least expected. As i look back at my childhood With my never ending wants and unsatiable desires I realize how difficult it is to fulfill a child's wish....

So here goes, my tribute to the little girl who traveled from Mangalore on charity, at the tender age of 17, to work in people's homes. To go on to become a popular AUNT in her own Vicinity where she lived for a good 30 years.

Sometimes I dream of her falling, and I call her knowing fully well, with the telepathy that exists between us that something is wrong, and she is unwell or feeling low. I thank God for the beautiful MOM he gave me. I looked into the mirror yesterday and realized that my Mother before me in the prime of her youth must have been gorgeous…..Hey guys, that makes me proud...I love you so much Mamma

Happy Mother's day to all Mom's

the dark side..

I stand in front of mirror, look into my eye and ask myself. Who am I? What have I become? Is this me?

I ponder on my thoughts and my actions. They don’t seem right. They are neither correct nor justified. I have become sick of myself. Sick of my brain. Sick of all those neurons and synaptic connections that decide my neural activity. I wasn’t like this. That kid who used to be happy-go-lucky, spontaneous, smiling always, where is she? Why it is that now my brain is filled with jealousy, hatred, envious thoughts.

Is that I have an alter ego?  She is clouding up my mind. She is gaining control over me. Her impure thoughts make me crazy. Head feels clogged up with lot of negative thoughts. Mind seems unbalanced. Can’t take better decisions with these thoughts in my head.

I m trying to curb these vestigial thoughts. It’s difficult, they hurt me. I am hurting myself. Its killing me.

Being suicidal doesn't necessarily mean holding a gun to your head

Sometimes, it means smoking a cigarette in the hope that you'll get cancer and die. Or jaywalking across the street without looking, because you don't care if you get hit by a car. Sometimes it means having sex with a stranger, hoping you'll get an STD and die. Or not sleeping and not eating in the hopes that the exhaustion will kill you. Or even not washing your hands in the hopes that you'll get sick and die. Sometimes it means being cruel to the people you love or ignoring them, because if they leave you you'll have less reasons to go on living. Or not setting your alarm for work, so you'll get fired and have less of a purpose. Sometimes it means partying hard in the hopes that your lives will fail and you'll die. or putting yourself in dangerous and potentially painful situations, so maybe it'll be the last straw. Being suicidal doesn't necessarily mean trying to die. A lot of times it means not putting and effort into living.

THE SCAR

My left arm grabbed my attention today. I have a wheatish complexion. On this skin tone of mine my left hand bears 4 light brown lines. These dots connected together loosely form a diagram that remind me of those days when I loved to hurt myself, trying forget the pain the heart was enduring. For a moment the heinous action took me away from the present situation. But mind would be back to the thing that was clogging up my head. It was pointless.

My brain is weird. It thinks in all possible directions. Mostly negative. That is what maybe makes me weak, makes me hold back, makes me doubt things, makes me confused over decisions. So to make my head not to think in a particular direction I made these carvings on my skin. To remind me of the shit. Sometimes it was to forget things. Sometimes to overcome some pain.

Over the time my endurance of many things has increased. But the scar still remains, as a reminder of the past.

“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.” - Khalil Girban

Silent Whispers

“The delicious creamy double scoop ice-cream with chocolate sauce and cherry toppings melts in my mouth with its frosting layered on my tongue. ..” sounds delicious…Is not it?

Have you ever noticed that when you are truly enjoying something, any sort of description seems inadequate. “Words are not enough” is a very commonly used phrase used in such situations. Words –however important they may seem to make a meaningful conversation there are some moments in life when words fall short. And in the blink of an eye such moments turn into be the most memorable and beautiful moments of our life.

At such times when words lose their sheen, our eyes become the medium of expression. They speak volumes and convey everything we have in our hearts. It is very rare to find a person who can actually understand the unspoken.Holding hands sitting together staring into the space saying nothing still feeling you are having a wonderful conversation . Those moments are irreplaceable when someone looks into your eyes and understands exactly what you are going through. It feels miraculous!. .  It is a beautiful feeling art to understand the words spoken through the eyes. In an attempt to do so we are drawn emotionally closer to that person, leading to a stronger emotional bonding. It forms a strong base for strengthening of relationship.  Such moments can only be felt by the heart, spoken by the eyes and understood by the soul.

I have a special phrase for such discussions ,”Silent Whispers”, because the things spoken at this time are like the secrets we whisper and at the same time are silent. Mysteriously if you observe such conversations are also had with ourselves. We find ourselves connecting to our deeper self when sitting in extreme silence all alone. It brings on a kind of extreme calmness and soothes our frayed nerves in a jiffy.

The secret for mastering this art is to just feel the magic of silence and watch as the mystery unveils itself................!!

Know "Me" if you can.....!

My blogger friend Robert posed me this:
"Write three sentences about yourself,  first sentence starting with T., second with  E and third with A (as it spells TEA). If you want to write more, write four more sentences but they have to start with C, A, K and E respectively. (CAKE)"

Well Robert this one's for you, I am fancied by what I wrote hence thought of putting it as a Blog post..

So here we go....Presenting "ME"

Tall 

I am proud of my height and it does describe ME – BTW I used it more bcoz all other better looking adjectives beginning with "T" seemed to be used :)!!

Enigmatic

At times I can be extremely mysterious as I don’t like showing what’s going on in my mind for the fear of hurting others or being hurt myself.

Aspirant

I aspire about beautiful tomorrows where I see many of my dreams come true.

Curious Cat

Yup…I am very curious about everything under the sun. Remember the Aquaguard Ad – “Yeh kya hai? Isse kya hoga…? – Well that’s ME.

Argumentative

I firmly believe in either you convince me or you get convinced.

Kind

That’s what my enemies think about me as Killing with Kindness is the motto I like to live by.

Expressive

I enjoy expressing my thoughts in various forms of writing, dreaming, arguing and the list can go on..

The strive for improvement

Class 2 – Result – 96.45% - Remark – Can do much better!

Class 12 - Result – 72% - Remark- This is scope for improvement

ABC Ltd – Appraisal for the year 2008 – “Try and aim for better results.”

XYZ Ltd – Appraisal for the year 2013 – “Numbers could have been better!!”

Since the day I have been born to till date the one most common feedback I hear is “You need to improve.” From my school results to my professional appraisals the only thing which seems to be the highlight is that there is immense scope of improvement.

Sample this: My friend enrolled me for an activity which was of her interest in my childhood. Once I caught her lamenting to someone that there is so much improvement possible in learning this activity from my end. [Can anyone please tell her that my interest level depends on the activity which happens to be of her interest – How on earth m I supposed to excel in that!!!?]

I had been toiling hard for one full year in ABC Ltd. At the time of appraisal my heart was beating fast anticipating some appreciation for my hard work. The telephonic conversation started like you have done some brilliant work in this year...Blah blah…..But it could still have been better. Whoa…. I was getting “you know the pink could have been more pink and the red more redder” types of feedback!!! 

Even while growing up I am accustomed to feedback like, “You are very short tempered – you need to improve.”  I have free advisors readily available to pour their advices on me which range on anything from my weight to my behaviour to my dressing to my talking. I sometimes feel that even the way I breathe might need improvement!

Over the years the only thing that has changed is the topic or area of improvement while the need for improvement just doesn’t diminish. It constantly keeps on resurfacing time and again in some form or other. Life seems to be a constant strive for improvement for me. And yes I am improving.

I-M-PROVING myself..

A Date With Oneself...

"You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition.  What you'll discover will be wonderful.  What you'll discover is yourself." - Alan Alda

It's too easy for us to give ourselves away to the world. Work, family, relationships, peers, and future, all of them have a tremendous influence over us. We tend to hide in them. We tend to sway to everything that's happening around us.  

Losing oneself to something is important, it's essential to life. But not to an extent, where it becomes nearly impossible for us to rediscover ourselves. Discovering one's true identity in this ever so confusing world is an herculean task that lies ahead of us...

We go for dates with dear ones.  We treat others, others treat us! We spend time thinking and contemplating about everything and everyone. But, ask yourself, which is the time of the day, or week or month when you actually spend it alone all by yourself. When was the last time you were alone, dating yourself. Treating yourself to just what you like. 

It doesn't necessarily have to be a real date of munching and crunching, watching movies and experiencing a shopping spree. You don't always have to compromise on your bank account. There are things which come free in life...

Things like cooking a giant meal to eat, watching a favorite film, spending hours reading your favorite book, taking a walk in the deserted lane, or just plain thinking about yourself, where you are headed for or what is it that makes you completely happy  and miserably sad, are good enough.

Our minds are never void of worries, of things which are ready to pounce and knock and break us every time we sit back with our eyes closed trying our best to think of those very few 'glorious' moments....

Yet, i strongly feel that there has to be a moment when all we know is loneliness. Yes i mean it.  Take some time off to discover the person in you by doing for a change what you want to do. Only then will you get a satisfaction and true desire to do for others. 

Trust me, there is nothing else that would make you happier.

The stain, the pain & the gain

Can a relationship be like a tea-stain? Why or why not?

On reading the prompt, my mind started running bonkers imagining various things.

First thought:

An imaginary TV commercial where a young Indian housewife dressed in a typical off white saree is showing her husband’s shirt with a big tea stain on it. She exclaims, “Maine sab kuch karke dekha….par yeh daag….to nikalta hai nahi.”  and throws the shirt in exasperation. He he he he :)

Second thought:

Of a restaurant where a high class socialite is proudly discussing her latest shopping adventures with a friend when the waiter erroneously drops the tea on her beautiful white dress. “Eww…..!!!” she screams…. “Do you even know how much that costs? You clumsy fellow….. “And walks away in a huff with the waiter standing there bewildered not knowing what to do next. ROFL !!!! :D

Giving rest to my imagination I shake my head and get back to some serious thinking about the “Tea Stains” in question here.

After a long thought, I conclude yes a relationship can be like tea stains because for me stains are like scars. They remind us of beautiful lessons we have learnt in life , though the harder way. Every stain has a story behind it; could be happy or sad. Same ways every relationship has its own story with its own ending good or bad.

Another striking similarity between relationships and tea stains is the mark they leave us with. On a lighter note, maybe the tea stains are much easier to get rid of ,but the marks some people leave on our hearts / souls is impossible to get rid of. They touch our lives in a way that we are never ever the same again.

The stronger the tea the firmer the stain the longer it takes to get rid of it. Same way the longer the relationship, the deeper emotional attachment the more difficult it gets to deal with its end.It is said some relationships God chooses for us, some we choose for ourselves. But I very firmly believe there are some relationships that choose us. We never realize when we tend to take up a very special place in someone’s life never to be replaced again.

Like I have said in one of my earlier posts, life is all about relationships. We tend to give them different names but at the core they remain the same - a bond which ties us together. The world would be such a place without all those wonderful relations around us.They tend to make us what we are, giving us a sense of belonging.

That first proposal , that first interview, that first date with your college crush, holding your child for the first time in your hands…etc the list is endless about occasions where you are happy and nervous at the same time. Those stolen glances, shivering hands, confused smiles all these definitely lay the plot for a minuscule mistake in the form of a  chanced dropping of tea on that 'favourite' dress leaving a stain. I am sure even after years when by chance we find that dress it would be a trip down the memory lane for us. Memories which are cherished forever, just like this stain !! Like it is said there is no gain without pain, I wish to add every stain causes us some pain but in the end results into a gain. Every stain causes some discomfort in the beginning but always turns into a sweet memory to be remembered with a chuckle.They form a beautiful part of the book called LIFE

Would like to end it with the famous Surf Excel Ad quote,”Daag Acche hote hai!”

..And You Still Talk Of Growing Up?

"I've heard that it's possible to grow up - I've just never met anyone who's actually done it." - Meredith grey

Oh! I have grown up haven't I? I am exactly 29 years 2 months and 2 days old. I wish I could count the minutes and the seconds too but...never mind..As the years would progress,  I would be frantically making every effort to hide that single strand of grey hair. I would become more obsessed than ever to lose weight.  I would complain about knee pain, tooth ache and poor vision and the list can go on...

One day I might start wishing about getting at least two decades of my life back and relive it differently. I might also grumble about the things that i have never received and  the things that I have sacrificed.  The fact is that I would act just as any other normal human being would. 

But still we all grow up and we die to. We can't wait, can we? To start gossiping, dating, working, voting, and of course all those 'hush hush' things which have been tagged as restricted and obscene.  Can't blame ourselves, it's all part of growing up. You know the 'fun elements' of crossing 'the 18 years old' line.Yyeeeaaaayyy!!!

But hey!can you try and fuel up your brain a little bit more and go back to ask yourself if you have actually grown up? Ask yourself the real meaning rather than just a manifested one. Being a little kid one of the main anticipations is to grow old....Just chronologically isn't it?? 

We are still the same even years after we have taken birth. The only thing that changes is the age factor. Here is why...We don't grow wise, we don't stop playing with the so called 'feelings'. We don't stop getting hurt (not exactly talking about the apparent scars, are we?). We forget what some people gave us but we remember to whom we have done. 

We grow up right? And yet, we still cry dumping our heads into the pillow weeping till all tears have been shed, finally bringing us some uneasy sleep (sshhh... no one knows it!).  We still fight over silly matters. We still want to cling on to things which we claim rightfully to be ours. We still don't want to share. We still make enemies. We still lose things. We still believe in dreams even if they get shattered later on. 

We still  crave, we still act innocent, we still try and mend things, things which are not that easy to mend anymore. We still laugh heartily as if it's as genuine as it used to be. We still are scared to live alone. And finally we still live, live and live even after the worst nightmares that have hit us...

We experience each of these and much more, just as much as we have sensed during our childhood years. The manner becomes just a little different. Think about it and you will be able to connect.

 And you talk about growing up??

Life’s lessons

Life has a beautiful way of teaching us some of the most wonderful lessons which help us lead happy lives. Though at the first they might not be visible to the naked eye when watched closely they are very much there all around us, eager to share their stories with us. I sat and analyzed how the minutest activity of our day to day life has so much to teach us. The list is purely amazing:

Getting up every day   : Waking up each day symbolizes hope. It denotes that whatever wrongs you had done yesterday you have a chance to undo yesterday you have a chance to undo it and make an attempt to do it better. A plain canvas has been presented to you to fill it with vibrant colours of life.

  Dress up:  We need to put our best side for display to people. Be it clothes, thoughts, actions or simply our expressions. It just simply means, “Put your BEST side forward.”

Rush to meet deadlines: Life is a race; as Darwin said, “Survival of the fittest”. So you need to keep up running to stay in the race and eventually the victory is yours.

Leisure time: For every plant sunlight and water are its food as it survives on it. But if you add manure to it the plant will blossom more beautifully. In the same way our hobbies and our loved ones are like manure for our soul. With them our lives will always be full of flowers of happiness.

Food: We all know how important food is as a component to stay alive. Like ways reading books, doing physical exercise, meditation etc are the food for our soul, mind and body to enrich its growth in the right direction.

Going to bed at night: With all the running around in our lives   we also need rest to gather energy to keep chasing our goals.

Sleep: While there is a time to act, there is also a time to dream Dreams are the base for new goals to be generated. And these new goals become the fuel for our lives.

I am still searching for more such lessons…… are you??

Beautiful Tears

“Cry Baby” that‘s what I was called in my childhood. I could cry at the drop of a hat. No
wonder my uncle called me "Our Lady of Sorrows". Jokes apart, crying is something that has always been very close to my heart due to my three decade long association with them.

Though we all enter this world crying, it’s surprising that as we grow up we consider it to be a

taboo. We tend to forget that like jealousy, anger, happiness, this is also a form of human

emotion. Just like smiles denote joy, tears denote pain….then why do we stifle our teams when

we don’t stifle our smiles? It’s worth mentioning here that stifling emotions is very harmful and

can lead to nervous breakdown. This has been immortalized by our film actresses when they

are unable to cry in a state of shock.

Tears have so many forms – tears of joy, tears of pain, tears of failure, tears of gratitude and
sometimes we just shed them reminiscing about wonderful memories. Tears are a beautiful
form of expression giving voice to our innermost unspoken feelings. They help us accept our
limitations as a human being and give us the capacity to face our troubles with a renewed
vigour. The sense of calm we get after a bout of tear shedding is unforgettable. Apart from
making us feel lighter, magically they also seem to give us the strength to move ahead.

Since the time we are born we are constantly told that shedding tears is cowardice. On the
contrary I feel it is a symbol of one’s strength. It takes guts to break down crying for a while and
regain your strength to run towards your goal again. It is said that a human being’s psyche is
developed in the first five years from our birth. And “Don’t cry” is the most often used word we
hear during that time leading us to believe that crying is something shameful.

By saying all this I am not saying one should cry for each and every thing in life. But at the same
time I also believe that when you fail and doubts cloud your mind, crying proves to be an
invigorating exercise. Once you feel better, it’s back to On-Your-Marks, Get-Set, Go…….If you
notice some of our well defined determinations are also made after a teary session. It just feels
so right as your mind is clear of all the pain waiting to be filled with fresh thoughts again.

Though fortunately I have a close knit person with whom I can share everything,
still nothing can match those “solitude sessions” as I call them; because for me solitude is a
place which is free from everything – free from criticism, no fear of being ridiculed on or being
scolded. During those sessions I spend time with myself, cry my heart out just letting all my
grief and hurt go and at the end I feel rejuvenated. It feels as if it’s a newer me presented with a
white canvas to paint it again with the colours of my choice. Sometimes I feel these tears wash
away the dirt accumulated in my eyes.

Considering crying to be feminine is an altogether a separate topic to be debated on. While from
now;

“Shed those beautiful tears and cleanse your eyes of the dirt to see a beautiful world full of opportunities more clearly.”

It's OK

It's OK if you're not the smartest, the wittiest, the first one to answer, the only one to come up with solutions, the sharpest, or the brightest.

It's OK if you're not the most beautiful one out there, or the most handsome, the fairest, the slimmest, the prettiest, the strongest, the most toned, or the fittest.

It's OK if you're not the bravest, mentally strongest, most organised, at the top of the world, most skilled, most successful, or the richest.

It's OK to be weak, to be afraid, to be lean, or to be fat. It's OK to fall, again and again, and earn bruises and wounds whose scars will remain forever. It's OK to be the learner,  to be tired, to be lost.
Because all the people you see and wish to be are not even half the person you are. They've never been in your shoes, or your mind. They never survived your battles, you did. Celebrate yourself, love yourself, because it's not just OK to be yourself, it's the best person to be.

Life doesn't appraise you in a report card

As a child I often wondered why I needed to go to school. Why did we have to sit through the torturous six hours every day? I wasn’t interested in the class nor was I interested in what was scribbled on the black boards. I preferred sitting in the last bench scribbling or drawing in the exercise copies meant for class work. I would watch the clouds, looking for imaginary figures in them. Sometimes a mother crow feeding it’s young one would catch my fancy. Exams brought in dread, now of course I know the fear has a fancy word; atychiphobia.

I wasn’t the popular girl walking with an array of friends. Hence most of the Tiffin breaks would be with a few friends whom I maintained or if not they I would prefer to be alone. I would spend time watching the seniors play basketball; sometimes watch out of the window or my usual pastime dreaming. On my lucky days I would play some silly games with my friends. I didn’t mind.

My report cards had average marks and remarks which remained unvaried even as grew older. I was neither the notorious kid nor the scholar-so called teacher’s pet. The report card failed me in getting popular.

Something changed and I managed to score a first class in my Xii and and not stopping till I graduated.  As I grew up came small or greater responsibility teaching me- Sacrifice, protectiveness, selflessness Perseverance and patience. Ageing elders taught me compassion and empathy. Every time i met new people I learnt about multi cultures, adaptability and adjustments. Every argument I had taught me resilience, compromise, transparency, trust, forgiveness and love.

One afternoon to avoid traffic rush, my friend and I decided to brave the heat and go to the market in the summer heat, standing under a tree, we just hoped we would get one auto to ride us home. There stopped an auto almost making our day. We were parched, fatigues beyond words. The amount wouldn't have mattered, but a smiling face agreed to drop us home. We got into the auto. From the rear view mirror we saw a smiling face riding, we started a conversation with him and I asked how old was he? He replied 19. Intrigued I asked why didn't he go to college? There began his answers, he replied he lost his father a year and half ago and he is survived by three children and a wife meaning his younger brothers and his diabetic mother and the brothers who are in class xi and VI respectively. He rides 6 hours every day and goes back home with Rs 1000. In the evenings he takes his brothers to tuitions and mother to the hospital. He returns home early else his mother doesn't eat. His father left them a house so no rent to pay.

He has 2 months left to finish the loan for the auto after which he plans to complete his education. He bought a scooty for his younger brother. He said" many relatives wanted to adopt us but then it would be a favour and we would be indebted “Smiling my friend asked "don't you have a girlfriend?" He kept quiet. I said "I know you do." He blushed and said, "yes ma'am!I do she was my classmate. She studies in second year. I ask her not to meet me but she won't give up. Her father once came to my house to fight." We asked all these auto guys fight over customers what do you do? He said "ma'am I know I have to work for 6hours a day, I do my work honestly and don't engage in any altercations."

A child in me asked him "so do you get chiding from your mum?" From the rear view he looked at me and said, "I have never done anything to get a scolding “When he dropped us home, he returned us a change of Rs30 to our 150. We have him an additional 20 which he refused to accept. My friend said, in the morning another auto driver charged Rs140. Hence we feel justified with the extra 20. Smiling again he said Rs 120 is justified. I asked him what his name was "Naveen Rathore" When we reached home we realized the ride home with this young man was more refreshing than any air conditioner. That day I learnt an invaluable lesson of true ego, self-pride and respect.

I may not be an astronaut or a CEO of any company, but what schools failed to teach life taught me beautifully. When a stranger turns a friend, I know I have been faring well in life. It doesn’t matter what you have scored in your report cards, life has its own parameters to appraise you.  Don’t let small failures bring you down; let them strengthen you towards bigger battles. I had once read: she was thrown to a pack of wolves she came back leading them.

Little Things

Do you cut your nails very short? If you do, you will definitely know the little annoying pain of that fresh skin underneath, exposed when you go a little over the line. Taken aback at first, it takes time to settle in to the new environment. But till the time it does, that irksome pain can wrench your peace. Little things they say. How they matter?

Maybe they shouldn't. We live in a world where the population is talked about in billions, there are more satellites in space than there are trees in some people's gardens. Asteroids bigger than Earth, stars larger than our Sun and probably so many black holes at the center of such so many galaxies. They all surround us, without us being aware about it. To think of it, we are a part of this colossal, intimidating vastness that is this universe. And we? We are just an infinitely trivial part of it.

Having had such a broader view of things, when we come to think of things, irrelevant small details, musings or vexations should not even begin to mark our concern. Then why does that under nail skin divide our attention? Why do we pay heed to anything frivolous and pointless at all.

Why do we care when someone doesn't return our calls? Why do we fret before meeting certain people. Why do we get happy to have had a chance encounter with someone we like? That warm coffee in the pouring rain, some of your favourite old clothes that you took off from the corners of your cupboard, old letters frayed at the edges with time and those colouring books you had as a child. All those little things, why do they bring you comfort and smile.

 That old song you first kissed to, remember? That message vibrating with your feelings which you never sent across, that old house you grew up in, where you mother cooked all the things you liked, why do they make you numb and speechless.

Maybe those little things in life matter too much to us than we realise. Little by little, one small memory after another they all come together to form a huge chunk of our existence. Momentarily contentment goes a long way too.

Like a clear road with no traffic in the early sun rise hours, your beloved ordering your favourite food without even been asked, an unexpected holiday, the last piece of pizza being saved for you, when your pen dries out at the last full stop of your last exam, these things count too. In their small trifling way they can lift your mood up. Too much to be thankful for. Isn't it?

So what are you thankful for today? For the not so crowded train, for the extension of the deadline or better, for all the little things that have created the timeline of your essential being.

Hope Of Love

It was a Friday Evening and I was a bit late to leave from office. Already late I thought I can take a late train the next day being Saturday and no daily chores. So I get a place to sit I was on my way back home and saw a group of ladies talking and discussing. I just waved and smiled.

“oh very late today?” I managed  to skip the tone and said “Yes just weekend”

On joining them I came to know the topic of discussion.

“That Uncle of a certain ***colony remarried! I mean Kids are settled , he has grand children and now … !!!

I was surprised , a big smile came on my face and I exclaimed ”Wow what a news. I mean…I would love to meet them. People like him are examples.  Really  Hats off to him. Isn’t it ?”
I was talking in my own excitement without realizing, that they were looking at me as if I am talking in Hebrew. I stopped myself and said “I will take your leave dear…I have to get down, already late today.”

I came home , had some water and was smiling , a smile which had no reason related to me and was not under my control.

I was smiling as among the daily news of broken and estranged  relationships  , I saw a gleam of hope!

I was smiling because among the daily complaints of age related issues , I saw someone taking  a challenge of age!!

I was smiling as it was proven that to live is to embrace life…..

I was smiling as I saw Hope of Love and Hope of Life……

I was really happy , even though I didn’t know the newly  wed couple , I wished them all the goodness of life.

Why are we as a society so negative and demeaning to people who are going their own way ?

Why can’t we follow the practice live and let live instead of just preaching it ?

Why are we so hypocrites, when it come to our children or our elders ?

Why can’t we , accept the change with a positive outlook and open arms ?

An elderly person , who lost the partner during a journey of life , held  the  thread of life with all grit to sustain as a single parent. For years he/she had life only for their children.

Another person had a sour relationship. Took the path less traveled and choose life over suffocation of  bad marriage. He/She   paved a beautiful path for their children so that they can have a lovely life of their own.

The little birdling’s are grown up now and flew away to make their own nest ! Now What ???

Why do we always expect elders of our society to accept and be sad due to empty nest syndrome? Why do we want them to always remember their kids and not have a life of their own ? Why only morning walks, laughter club , temples are considered appropriate for them ?

Why are we not open to someone, who looks out for a companion  with silver in his/ her hair.

Does life stops at 60 or 70 ?

Does life cease to seek a caring touch?

Does heart stop admiring beauty of life?

NO…..Than why are we so critical for people who dare to look beyond the assigned norm of life.

 Aren’t they the role models we need in today’s time? Shouldn’t we take a cue from their strength and conviction and love towards life ? Shouldn’t we say thank you to them for paving path for our friends….families and may be us too ?

Thank you for showing that evenings are indeed beautiful.

Life is not always about  following the rules….sometimes it is about following heart too!

There is No age for love, No age for companionship and No age to find a soulmate!!

Lets applause , lets smile and lets welcome all the duos who followed their heart and showed us the Hope of Love  and Hope of Life!!!