Sometimes I miss my childhood!

Before you read here’s something I want to say.
This one is just out of emotions… Remembering those days, seeing old friends and watching those beautiful old pictures, sometimes has an effect.

I would like to dedicate this one to all my friends in hostels, far from their homes and a few who really are feeling homesick these days… and also to those who will be far from their families in future

Don’t go for the rhyme (Which is “abcbdd” by the way) and just try to feel, who knows you might like it as well

I remember the time when dad was the most powerful man in the world…
I remember the time when I actually used to sleep in nights..!
I remember how I used to snuggle into my mummy's arms…
And how afraid I was of heights…
I remember when I didn’t know what clever or cunning meant and everything I knew was good…
Sometimes I miss my childhood..!
 

I remember the time when mom’s lap was the snuggest bed for me…
I remember how small things made me happy which now I can’t describe…
I remember how precious a small pencil could be…
And how ecstatically I expressed things I used to imbibe…
I remember how everyone spoke the language of love to me and no one was misunderstood…
Sometimes I miss my childhood..!

I remember how an outing meant everyone together…
I remember how our love wasn’t restricted to Mother’s and Father’s day…
I remember the taste of the food mom made especially for me…
and how I never laughed when instead of happy, someone said gay…
I remember how playing in streets was in our routine and we were the champs of the neighbourhood…
Sometimes I miss my childhood..!

I remember how I used to rise early and go to school…
I remember how polishing the school shoes was also a duty…
I remember the assembly, the periods and the friends…
with whom how a treat meant a pack of chips and a frooty…
I remember how we didn’t care for the future and how we scribbled on those tables of wood…
Sometimes I miss my childhood..!

I don’t say I want to relive those days…
Neither do I complain against the life I live…
But I just wish things were simple again…
and we could live freely, without worries and see what pleasure it can give…
What all I want is an unassuming life although with all its excitements, and would steal those moments, if I could…
Sometimes I miss my childhood..!

Ps: The Thought For This One Was Strengthened After I Read This By One Of My Favourite Authors

“Another Belief Of Mine: That Everyone Else My Age Is An Adult, Whereas I Am Merely In Disguise.”—Margaret Atwood
 

Life is too short

It takes so much time to discover. Discover your identity, what you want to be, and your ambition.

After discovering, it takes so much time to accept it all. Sometimes, there is a part of you that doesn’t want to be what you are.

Your eyes fall on the person next to you, and you want what they have- their beauty, their popularity, their wit, charm- just about anything.

Something about their personality – that you suddenly want to infuse into your own.

Say, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to do that. That is an absolutely normal feeling but it’s normalcy has got conditions. Namely- you don’t lose your individuality while conducting the transition and secondly, subtlety is a good choice in this case.

Once you’re done with the acceptance, transitions and finally you start enjoying life, you realize that you’re going to die tomorrow.

Life is too short.

Well Apparently...

Well apparently you never are a child.

Well apparently you should never talk your emotions out and keep it inside, so what if its kills you?!

Well apparently you should never keep your hopes high. Even when you get the worst! stick to it, that’s what its meant for.

Well apparently if you want to cry, well hold it right away! Cause no one really cares. All your emotions and feeling are meant to stay within you!

Well apparently you are always wrong, at-least for the other person, yes you are.

Well apparently if there is trouble, its all your fault.

Well apparently if you are confident and sure of what you want from life stop right there cause you are wrong! Because you are the over confident piece of shit who deserves nothing but a harsh downfall.

Well apparently strength is just a mirage, a hallucination. Don’t believe in it, its like a glass slab, it will shatter with your words.

Well apparently your own don’t know you. So, all that can be done to make things easy is give it up!

Well apparently you should not strive for the better. If you get stuck, just CHUCK!

Well apparently you cry when you see a decade to the front without them. Just stay silent.

Well apparently all you complain about your life was your side of the selfish story.

Well apparently you must stop dreaming, stop talking, start bearing, stop feeling, you mustn’t have tears. Just believe that you were never a child. Just believe that and you will grow into a fine adult.

I knew all of this already, Didn’t need an ugly confrontation just to hear that.

The world will be blurred.

There, much better.
I have to try, though. Will try not to feel, not to think, not to dream

Thank you, world. It was a lovely day. Until next time

 

Because you are my MOM....

Because you are my mom you loved me before I was ever seen
You thanked God for this miracle, this little human being
So exciting, yet fragile it all must have seemed to you then
Hearing my little heart beat inside you, now life begins

Because you are my mom no pain was too great for you to bear
Now you’re a mother and I your child with joys and pains to share
And so into this world my life began each breath now on my own
One day we will look back at just how much I’ve grown

Because you are my mom you worried for me within your every bone
You finally let go of my little hand to take my first steps on my own

Because you are my mom you showed me through the years
To care about others and their feelings and the things that they hold dear

Because you are my mom you taught me right from wrong
Understanding that my faith in God will forever keep me strong
Showing me that being my own person is the only tool I’ll need
When morals and values are your foundation to succeed

Because you are my mom you loved me enough to also be my friend
You would be right there in ways that no one could see or ever comprehend
When there was no way I thought you could ever understand
There you would be, non-judging and willing to lend a hand

Because you are my mom, God’s gift to me was you
As your daughter I will always love you and promise to be true
I thank you for so many things and will try to never make you sad or blue

Because you are my mom, and one-day I will be a mother too
I pray I never forget all that you’ve been through
I am your daughter and in your image I am proud to be
By the grace of the Lord you were created, and then I came to be

just something I wrote for my mum, to tell her, her importance in my life and how much a I need her with every passing moment.

Jai Hind!!!

The definition of Independence Day, as taught to us in school, is "the day India was liberated from the British rule". The earliest memory I have of Independence is the school holiday and also of receiving "mithai" laddoos in primary school on the previous day. I also remember strangers handing out flags to people passing by, the delicous sweets made at home. Hence August 15th has always been a day of festivity and celebration.  August 15th was special for another reason – as a member of the girl guides I looked forward to participating in the Independence Day parade. Ah, those were the days!

'Mera Bharath Mahan' was the slogan of the day and my heart used to swell with pride every time I heard the song 'Mile Sur Mera Tumhara' on television.

Independence Day still remains a very special day to me. But the question remains..   Does celebrating our Independence Day on August 15th alone make us Independent? After 65 years of Independence, are we truly independent? In spite of the advancement in technology, is India Shining? No doubt people have more luxuries now than at the time of Independence, but rather than simplifying life, they only seem to have made things more complicated. Crime rates are on the increase and there is a decrease in racial tolerance.

For me, being independent means not having to go in search of greener pastures to a foreign land. Being independent means not nursing ambitions to possess a passport of a different colour. Being independent means not having to cringe when introducing your heavily accented South/North Indian colleague to your American/ British boss. Being independent means sending your child to an Indian school that follows an Indian curriculum without complaining about the wrong pronunciations and grammar that is being taught by the teacher (this may not be applicable to all). Being independent means not having to bribe your way through the rigmarole associated with any government/legal procedure. Being independent means being able to love everyone around me irrespective of caste, creed or colour and be concerned about everyone's welfare, as I am concerned about mine - to share what God has given me with those less privileged ones. India will be independent when each of her citizens is able to enjoy the fruits of freedom. Only then will India truly be Saare Jahan se Achcha Hindustaan Hamara.

To quote Rabindranath Tagore, "Where the mind is without fear and the head is held high, into the freedom of heaven let my country awake!" When this is accomplished, only then will we be truly independent. Jai Hind!

And to sum it up.. Dis one's for u Fr.Leslie Almeida.. Remembering the speech u wud give after the flag hoisting every year on this day begining with "Shayad 100 mein 90 behmann phir bhi mera Bharat Mahaan.".. Believe it or not every time i hear the national anthem i think of u

just some four letter words

hard
kiss
dark
loud
eyes
yell
grab
tear
soul
mind
ooze
drip
come

done

I dont suffer from insanity.. i enjoy every minute of it

I dont suffer from insanity.. i enjoy every minute of it

the weeks been killer.

1) Did you ever notice if you're in an elevator and there's only one other person there with you, they've got terrible gas? and you have to go 14 floors together?

2) How can something be new and improved? if it's new, what was it improving on?

3) What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?

4) Did you know Humpty Dumpty was pushed?

5) If people from Poland are called Poles, why are not people from Holland called Holes?

Im losing it. hm, what is it? and did i ever have it? why does it have to be so important, if you dont have it, would you cease to exist? does it matter that you have no idea what you are talking about?

and as usual im sitting there mindin my own business when.....well for once nothing happened. i was just sittin there. the computer decided it wouldnt let me save my files, making things harder. i begged, i pleaded, even got down on my knees( u better not be thinkin anything funny here, pervert) - but it wouldnt listen. i even promised to marry it and be faithful and put the little chips thru law school..............nothing.

i am indeed alone.

and remember marriage means commitment. of course, so does insanity.

 

u know ur alone..

u know ur alone when
-theres no one else to take the last train home
-the clickin u hear is an echo in the emptiness
-the mirror cracks with no apparent reason
-the coffee machine spits out sludge
-tomorrow is a deadline that will never come
-there is only one trail
-the hollow siezed up
-the salt tasted like a bitter pill
-apathy is ur friend, friend? apathy is u
-the bomb that blew everything up didnt
-ur shadow never existed
-ur heart started beating
-the devil smiles at u
-smearing ur face with tears was tribute to the living
-regurgitating is entertainment
-that blade shined so
-the wall stares back at u
-the theory holds true
-all that blood u see is not urs

post in translation

estoy apesadumbrado que no utilicé el babel.

sitting and staring i began to think(that is a huge job - thinking) there was a time i nearly gave up on everything. nearly gave up on life itself. there were certain deciding factors that pushed me to that place. then there was just one thing, one person, who inadvertently changed the course of what could have been. so i'm here now. it is hard, but i can now progress, with a extended sense of being, towards the uncertain future. this is a future that holds good. choosing options, the right options....and after we spoke last night, i am more convinced. you should be too. you did think of it as well. not a coincidence. not a coincidence.

empty head
heavy heart
my life diminishes

thought/pondering/musing for the week: when you work in chaos, no one bothers you

if i said the last 3 weeks of my life were simply great, i would be lying.

it was beyond that. i have discovered, let go, cared for,  partied like it was the end of the world, worked like existence as a whole depended on it, touched, was touched, looked deep into the eyes of.., opened doors, laughed, hated myself even more, learn to live with, walked to the moon n back, re-lived and came out bruised, fell........and i dont want it to end.

I'm In Hate with Someone right now...............

You know at first I actually thought it was kinda funny, at first.... then it was just plain twisted .............and then the anger just bubbled over........

When people said curiosity killed the cat they were right........Its kills because what you see after its satisfied, just kills you.....Figuratively speaking........

you know its real when you see them flutterbies in the wind.
dont forget them "helicopters", works out in ways (in a state of freedom) we cant even decipher.
and they get to where they must be.

been busy
been an asshole
been thinking like my world depended on a despondent being
been destructive
looked forward to nothingness,
and all that it has got to offer
looked back at what could have been,
and so happy that it wasnt
looked away from the flash that nearly blinded
and thats when i caught a glimpse
looked at my hands and then my reflection
and i couldnt help but smile

if this is what there is, heck, i know where i wanna head even if i dont kno where im goin. perhaps the recent incident  provided for a change i didnt want but so desperately needed. puttin things into the proverbial perspective. the soul search ride into the cemetery garden and the near breakdown in the middle of nowhere. funny. hey girl u got an answer. did i ever mention that when i started thinking, noises surrounded me, the car horn sounded even better? there are no feelings but a rather matter-of-fact"ual" resonance.

"we dont do that here"
"U dont do that"
and so blah-di-blah-blah-bllllllaaaaaaahhhhh

A relationship works to the extent that it fullfills the needs of the two people involved.............
Sometimes you just have to look out for yourself..............
Today I realised that in the last few weeks I have been reliving a dream.......once possible but not anymore.......I think I just woke up.............Or maybe I just grew up....

Wedding Blues?

Yesterday, I accompanied my mother to wedding, that of a neighbor from Sakinaka (where I resided earlier and spent the better part of my life to date). It has been four years since I shifted to Miraroad and from the time I’d shifted, I’ve been to Sakinaka only a few couple of times. So, I was expecting to meet most of my childhood friends, if not all, at the wedding reception. And so I did. Not only my friends but also the elders, whom we fondly referred to as uncles and aunties. Also, expected was the fact that I’d have to face the evitable questions from those folks “So, when are you getting married?”
This question has been asked 2 me numerous times and I’m used to answering it depending on the occasion and the person asking it.

Here I’m listing down a few of my reactions to the forbidden yet oft asked question:

My favorite answer to that question is: I’m lucky, I guess.

Married? What’s that? (Yesterday, I was shameless enough to reply with this, even as I was attending the reception of one ;)

Sometimes, when asked the question, I complement the person for his/her attire, thus veering the person away from the topic.

Many a times I break into a run without replying and steer as far away as possible.

Yesterday, when a girl asked me the question, I replied: I thought you’d never ask. She scooted. I did too, albeit in the opposite direction.


P.S.: I’m running out off answers to the question. Any further alternatives are welcome and will be appreciated.

Desperate!!! nice term that.....oh well its the weekend, so its fine. ill recover.


some good things have happened this week. and for some strange reason, i didnt really care about some of them. i mean, yeah, theres relief but....priorities have changed. thats a given. ive understood for some years now that wants are just that, wants. but when a need is fulfilled and the feeling to it is numb, was it really a want all this time? nah, cuz, i analysed, then i dissected, then i put it into a jar and added water and shook it(just to see what would happen), then i took it out and squeezed the excess water out of it, then i left it to dry. conclusion - it was a need and i didnt care.

need a vacation. real soon. so in light of that, have a little break comin my way for a few days. no emails, no phones - just me, my self, some books, oh yeah some food too. my only hope is that the temperature drops by another few degrees by that time. so love monsoon. there is something so serene about it. and when its gets cloudy with that cold breeze blowing, yeah.....

The one who cares the least controls the relationship.
This is beyond the theory and should be considered as a law of relationship physics.
Chemical reactions in humans are responsible for this stuff and to display an uncaring attitude and disdain for relationships will score, sometimes.
Sorry , but humans are flawed as a species and so cannot be happy for long.
Just not possible. Control is an illusion

I found this in my drafts and was surprised and perturbed by it, did I write this? I had and have no recollection of these ideas being part of my repository of thoughts.
Re-reading for the 5th time

I can say that this wasn't me, perhaps I had planned to dispute these ideas...???
But the evidence of these ideas in actuality just went thru my thoughts  while once discussing on broken relationships with a dear friend who expressed to me then  about how he firmly believed that "he who cares less wins" (reminded me of that awful show who dares wins)
I listened and didn't comment, letting him vent is good I reasoned with myself, but part of me the perturbing part, agreed with him. caring less means getting hurt less

working on this premise one will tend to invest less of one's self emotionally to avoid hurt
and investing oneself less will almost definitely lead one's relationship to become less
and then hurt will follow anyway?
or will it be reduced because one didn't care enough to begin with??

Absence of less hurt will reinforce one's care-less attitude
and a vicious circle has begun....
love life and learning all rolled into this chain of thought
Science is just a reductionist cop out

grow up sometime

when we were in school we wanted to be doctors, teachers, lawyers, astronauts and whatever. i think when i was growing up i just wanted to be. i look back at and realise i didnt have that kind of dream. there was an obvious inclination but no real motive - i wanted to be a pilot. later it was to be an architect. but if these are "dreams" that fade quickly then its not what u want/need to be.

what made me gave up my air force pilot dreams? there was a little accident that altered my life completely and i had no intention of ever being part of ground crew. and so there i was a kid, without a dream and i wanted to be just like other kids. and eventually i decided upon architecture(hmmm in retrospect that would have been a scary move. me a designer of machine or structure that could just explode). what made me change my mind? i didnt want to study anymore. or perhaps i realised i wanted to be unlike the others. my identity is the only thing that is mine.

shud i give that up to be part of a cliched bunch? be accepted? flow with the tide? there are times when this thought cannot be silenced. it is hard going against norms. last year a friend said this much "let the storm cease, then swim safely to shore". makes sense. question is if i wait for the storm to cease, will i get comfortable that i let the tide take me wherever? not for long. because whats inside cannot be quelled.
so if ur an outcast, heretic....take heart that u were never to be understood by the masses but by beings who transcend the superficial.
peace.

right now im thinkin, when i grow up i wanna be successful youn woman, or the rich young lady in town or the happy house wife... :-)

well somethings gotta give. i cant well go postal can i now? but the thought is there.

outside of work, life has been good to me.

theres so much to write, so much to talk about....but for another time.

alls i kno is, its good to feel good. and i want this forever.

i see hope

in the words of sarge - "todaaaay is a good day to go to church"(the words in italics can be replaced with whatever you want)

woke up early. showered. picked up my bag and ran. wasnt gonna miss the 8.15am mass!! and it was already 8.00. 10 minutes later and no auto in sight."thats it, im gonna miss the 8.15am mass".

then came a auto. "public transportation so rules!!!!!" reached the church vicinity in 5 minutes."niiiiicee!!" the area around the church is under heavy construction. as i was makin my way to church suddenly noticed almost all access routes were blocked off. there was just the one access way.

"8.16." and to get to that i would have to go all the way round which would take a lot of time. there was this group of girls just behind me. we stood there for a few moments. then one of them climbed down the trench and walked on the exposed pipes, climbed out. they helped each one out. finally i made my way across. as i reached the end, i suddenly saw this hand reach out. i looked up to see the first girl who made her way across . she smiled and helped pull me up.

i have never in my life been offered help like this by a girl.

so there was nothin that was goin to stop me from attending service today.
it was more than worth it. of all days today it was worth it.

looking back

looking back
most trials are inconsequential.

confiding to the wasted, what was there is now. and my toes and my fingertips, numb. so numb. but i can can actaully feel as i wave.

"yeah, ill get it done. theyre gonna get through it before i am gonna get through"
and i fell farther than ever before, i feel even more alive.