Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who get burned" -- Budha
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Read the above put up on a board on visiting a priest, and liked it, probably among the 100 other million things that we hear, like and decide to put into practise and fail. Wonder why ? what goes wrong. Being LENT keep receiving a loads of emails of forgiveness, and loads of other spiritual awakening and conscientious reading material. Feel guilty at times of the ill feelings I harbour for some reason find it difficult to forgive. For some reason, I feel or rather sense a change in my self, my person - notwithstanding the confusion, na that's still there, of why's and howz.......that goes along life long i think !! But have learnt at least a wee bit to let lying dogs be :)
Had a good time at work today!! Weather's (a)changing and I love it........Welcome SUMMER!



Dat's my Bro and Me



......... I think back and distinctly remember a couple of weeks back mourning the mundane and routine uneventful week after week that kept passing and the Good Lord decided to teach me a lesson. Been suffering from knee pain, Mum being away from home to Mangalore, and the icing on the cake - I started a terrible terrible  headache (migraine)......moral of the story no more whining, each day as it comes is welcome.....the less eventful the better !

Was waiting at a pediatric's clinic with someone the other day and there was this toddler there,he so resembled Rohan (in his childhood) his haircut, his antics and otherwise. I was amazed and that triggered off memories of my lil bro and me. How much we had grown. I realised that in the rush of life,we were missing out on actually enjoying our little moments which have all too soon passed and just remain memories.

Today is a new day, Mum is back, I am myself again and the day started off by attending the Sunday mass and breakfast from Vienna's.......what more can one ask for SMACK :)

and it scares me :( - had been to the hospital  today, just preventive measures and the prick of the needle was uncomfortable, not excruciatingly painful just plain discomfort ! But it sets the wheels of the grey matter in motion, thinking of those around who were in pain, suffering. Some who make it some who don't.........

Death which was before a distant reality has been to us at close quarters, now the conscience was to believe more and more in the Supernatural.....Some day will be my going home day.... wonder how and wonder when.

Been Watching this TV serial for quiet some days now, titled "Naa Aana Iss Des Mein Laado" of a Lady who had a compulsion for killing - rich, successful et all but still...........alter ego and the works ! what stunned me more than anything else that this "story" "script" and the fact that this system of killing the girl child born and unborn did exist in our society or what ever else you wanted to call it was conceived by a human in, living amongst us !!

Lent is here, and somehow within, I am feeling a tiny bit grown up. I am really proud on my weight loss - whether a kilo or ten, doing it all on my own :)

For now..........repent and return !!

It comes down to that one word - MEMORIES !! Good ! Bad ! Important and Not Important, but there nevertheless. Took a trip down memory lane yet again around those who have been there all my lives. Guilt assaults me of not being there for them when they most need me. Their face lights up when they see us arrive and we enjoy the stolen moments, that are given to us as a gift. To revive the innocence, the hopes and the fears. The first time I rode a bicycle, the rains and so many more, the yummy panipuris at pipeline(Sakinaka)patices from Merwans. Faloodas' courtesy my friends.

Talking of my beautiful Mom - I love the Naiveté, the way she enjoys treats, her shopping sprees. I wish and hope at her age, I am able to enjoy that. Had a great weekend. Window Shopping at Bandra Linking Road, Played carrom like after ages, and wondered at how you just feel so free in what's called the sportsman spirit.

For now, feeling blissful - going to be 25 this year !! :) SSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHH

Need A Change!!!

A lot has been hppening, a lot of work in progress, which I believe is apt to lead to frustration. Or perhaps its just me that I expect a closure on everything that starts. Even in the personal lives of people around me there are a lot of changes some good and some not so good.

There is an this "wait" in the air for all of us, as if this year has something up its sleeve for all of us. I guess sometimes its nice to look forward without knowing what is in store. Too Bored and fed up of the routine of going to work but that again is changing :)

Rite now - Waiting !!

SURPRISE...

I am not much of a "Surprise" person it usually freaks me out ! more because, something which might seem like a pleasant surprise for you might not be one for me!
This instance however, was a Surprise, was it a pleasant one ? I can't honestly answer that - being quite frustrated with the professional life at work an incident  made me resign out of anger and frustration I wasn't overwhelmed or teary eyed! I'll delve into that bit of soul search a little later.

There's a good one month more to the new voyage though, a voyage god willing to an unknown undecided life ! Spoke to a friend about the incident at work and putting down my papers and der she was again with a chill pill, she said to relax as the world does not end at it, life goes on and it will. So i'll just be good and take one step, one day at a time...Nevertheless, for the gesture - Thank you to  a dear friend!

JEALOUSY!!!

I hate it when this happens - when deep within your heart you know you are wrong, being unreasonable or just plain feel guilty. Heard about a long lost friend's suggested career growth and my insides began to burn invariably. My heart / conscience tried to reason, she is older, more harrassed compared to my cosy cushy existence.......but the green prevailed........Yet again threw a tantrum - achieved ?? nothing (feel awful inside) !!

Any advice - positive is of course welcome.....Mom was a gem, said not to compare meself with elders hahahahah !! actually she said others ;)

Got a new title to myself - lil chikoo's(ma niece) nyteaunty(nanet aunty) - wonder that makes me ........grrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Ads by God

Please Do Not Drink when you drive,

you are not ready to see me yet.

Can you imagine what air would cost,

if someone else provided it?

 

What do I have to do to get your attention?

Put an ad in the paper?

 

Earth People, do not treat me like a Martian.

 

 

If you missed the dawn I made for you today,

it does not matter.

I will make you another tomorrow.

 

How can you be self-made-man?

I remember perfectly making you.

 

 

Do not forget your umbrella

I have to water the plants.

 

What part of "You should not.."

dont you undersand?

 

We need to talk

 

I love weddings,

invite me to yours.

 

"Love thy neighbour",

I meant it.

 

The road You choose,

Will you take me with you?

 

Follow me

 

With please I will help carry your cross, come.

 

You are not alone,

you have me.

 

Put yourself in my hands,

and watch.

 

 

Source: Forward Mail

 

 

 

 

 

For all the silence-is-golden types out there

When starting a blog, basically a public display of splitting your guts open and shouting at the world how you feel, among other questions you get from people, there’s one that seems hard to answer: "Why?!"

It is a damn good question, as I am not that self-centered to believe my word is so crucial to be spread around. And yet I do it... I believe writing to be more like an act of exorcism, where instead of running away from my demons I choose to drag them out and confront them. No, I don’t think I am special for doing that; after all at the end of the day we all have our share of lost and won battles. With ourselves... I just publicize my engagements, and this is my battlefield's diary.

Why would anyone else be interested in that? I don’t know... This is all about the experiences I go through everyday, people that make a difference in my life and the reasons for my secret smile. The following lyrics come courtesy of a dear friend of mine,  I just thought they go perfectly with what I just said before and match my present frame of mind:

My patience wears thin
As I sit and stare
Clad in the rags
Of one forgotten.
A nasty little secret
Tucked away
Out of sight, out of mind
"Shh... Don’t say a word;
Maybe he’ll go away."
My thoughts speak volumes
But my words are useless
Because life is simple
And I am more
Than you could ever imagine

The Future Is Now

"It has often been said that every man who has suffered misfortunes prefers to be himself, even with his misfortunes, rather than to be someone else without them." - Miguel de Unamuno

So. true.

I find it useless to spend time feeling sorry for what has happened to me, feeling bitter for the things I couldn't prevent at the time, feeling angry for things I had no power over. Such a waste of energy.


I don't want to change the past. I want to change the future.

If I Had A Magic Wand

There is a song called Presto off Rush’s 1989 album of the same title. It’s a gentle rocker about the positive things that one would do if he had a magic wand that he could wave – I’d make everything alright; I’d set everybody free! That’s an idealistic way of looking at things. And a very positive way of trying to live life and wishing the best for our earth and our fellow human beings. Wondering of all the good that I could do, or you could do, if we really had a very powerful magic wand that obeys our every command and can do anything that we wish with just a wave of it; think of the possibilities!

What would I do? I’d get rid of all the useless pests like mosquitoes, cockroaches, sewer rats and spiders. I’d clean all the drainage & gutters and make the roads clean and safe. I’d get houses built in an instant wave for all the homeless and for those who have poor housing. I’d get 3 full meals, and snacks for the evening tea as well, and plenty of safe drinking water and beverages for everyone. Every ailment, injury, missing limb and disability will be fixed within the time that it takes to say “heal the world”. No more pollution, no more accidents, no early deaths and no harm done to anyone. There would be no violence, no need to kill, rape, maim, loot or hurt anyone. Everyone has safe means of transportation, health care, education, entertainment and no one needs to feel left out.

Money is no longer an objective for living, working & studying is to better oneself and for making progress. Clean air, clean water, safe streets, no hunger, no pain, no thirst, no hurt. And most of all, no religion, no wars, no animosity and no bullshit! Enjoy life in peace and really live. I realize that I am a dreamer and perhaps not too grounded to reality but that is what I would wish for. Oh and space exploration – you have to give me my Star Trek dream!

If I could wave my magic wand!

Cemetery: The Way To Go

Work..Work..and more Work made me slog more than a donkey, (no intention to hurt the feelings of Donkey), but late night work, and pressure and deadline, made me say its done, I need a break, so just planned myself to make it for a holiday to my native land Home Sweet Home Mangalore as it was also the time for my granny's one year memorial mass.

The planing the decision all happened so soon, that I was quite amazed to what a fun filled, stomach filled, and heart filled holiday I had.

So got a train ticket, got a RAC and somehow half way mid night got a conformed seat and 7am touch down at Mulki Station. And to my amazement, got a small heart attack to, it was filled with so much stuff, beyond my slightest imagination.

Next day dat's the 2nd of Jan2012 all of us as family,  attended mass in the church and thereafter we all headed to the  graveyard. The renovation work for the cemetery had just been completed. I looked around, the walls were chalky white, the pathways tiled, the bushes trimmed, the graves outlined with flowers; the cemetery looked beautiful. The mass we were attending was a memorial mass on the 1st death anniversary organised in order to bless my granny's grave as it was newly built. There was a person from almost every family of each of my granny's children, her siblings and the near and far relatives. It felt odd to see so many people in this place, a place which is usually deserted. The young, the old, women and even children were present. Each person standing beside the grave of a  lost family member; if not physically together than at least they were one in spirit.

Throughout the service, I was distracted. The entire family was present at the graveyard; it’s not something you see very often. I barely listened to what the parish priest spoke of in his homily, but one line got me thinking. He said, “Today we stand here by the grave of our loved one, never knowing when we will take her place in these graves, with our own respective loved ones standing where we stand today.” I looked at all the people around me, most were known to me, while I had interacted or come in contact with the others at some point or the other. That’s how it is in a small village, you know everyone, either by where they smoked, which house they lived in, how many cows they have, the school their son is studying in, the flowers that grow in their garden and even to what fish they can afford to eat. I knew most of the people here, if not by name then by their profession , or which field they own. There are no secrets in this village, here; secrets make for entertaining stories to be told on dull evenings.

I remembered an old phrase that is generally put up at the entrance of most cemeteries dat i saw in Mangalore – Aiz maka, fale tuka; which means, today it is me, tomorrow it could be you. Will all these people be gone someday? If I were to return 50 years hence, would everyone present here still be here? Will the majority be gone? These people have come in my life in some way or the other; will they no longer be part of my life? What about me? Will I be alive?

The sermon was over, the service continued. At some point, a few volunteers came about with trays, accepting money offerings from the people. This money as the priest announced would go for the expenses incurred to do up the cemetery. The tray was soon filled with notes and coins. This was when; my ever churning mind started thinking again. We’re all contributing to this cemetery, some in hundreds, some in just a few rupees, while some cannot give at all. There are rich people here, very rich; they own acres of land and many grams of gold. While there are some who own land, that is just enough for their family members to sleep in. I realised that, no matter which end of the spectrum we fall in, we are ultimately given the same amount of space in the graveyard- 8x4 feet.

By the end of the service, I had concluded, that, if we’re all heading down here and we are all given the same amount of land and share the same space and we’re expected to rest in peace. Why can’t we achieve something similar while we’re alive?

19 things i'll never forget about this year...

1.Baking cake for Olivia's birthday.
2.Wearing mummy's saree for the first time in my life.
3.Going to Pune with Janice.
4.19th of March at Serena's house with Serena and some other..er..companions.
5. Been pampered and give extra attention to the core because someone assumed i had swine flu.
6.Getting shouted at by Dr. Shue.
7.Waking up at 4 am for a week to supposedly study.
8.Drinking Brandy and getting it from people I can't mention here.
9.Roll call Mallu jokes with Vivek, Janice Hazel and Jude.
10.Shoe shopping with Olivia.
11.Herbal cough syrup remedies from Celine Aunty+.
12.Lavina and I getting caught by the T.C and then lying our way out of trouble.
13.Grumbling at rohan 24x7 when I was sick.
14.Sheeba, Juby and the “Pimble” joke.
15.Adding more than half a bottle of pepper in the Lasagna that Flavia and I made.
16.Being gifted 'Legally Blonde' from Merlin.
17.Winning an election, when I didn't even know what it was I was standing for.
18.Fr.Leslie and his “being practical” talks.
19.My no-oil, no-spices, no-non-veg diet for what was supposed to be 2 months.

Christmas Time

Its Christmas time,
mistletoe and wine
Children singing Christian rhyme
With logs on the fireand gifts on the tree
A time to rejoice
in the good that we see.

Christmas season and every one in the festive mood i just thought today would be a great day to blog something about it. Went for shopping yesterday with ma family and den partying with a few friends late evening had a good time the whole day and in few minutes now will be going for the Carol singing.

Been too busy with life all thru the year personal and professional.. Not that it's done but in the relax mode as for now as at leave from work. Having up's n down's in day to day life, but at the end the result is always best in one form or the other. Some times after the whole day banging my head about how to do something or solve anything, just at the end of the day, something flashes, and I just do it and it works out well.

This Christmas season it made me realize a very lot of things actually. Some things that i spent days and nights thinking, Why this happening?? Why this is not happening the way i want?? Why me??
Lot of things are running in my mind right now, and i dont know what exactly to share about, but just wanted to say, though hard times or not me surely having a great time, with God by my side.




Also here are some of the snaps I had clicked at ma place using my cell phone. Have not come out good in resolution, but are not so bad to watch and share.
 



































































































And wait before i conclude my this blog, I would like to thank all of those who made mylife so special, all my dear loved one's not only in relation maybe but in heart who are constantly remembering me, praying for me, and wishing me all the best at all times.

And the Angel said unto them "For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord". Luke 2:11

Merry Christmas:)
May God bless you, atleast for even reading my blog:):)    

If I Had Only 10more Years To Live

Well the way things are going at the moment 10 more years of life seems a whole lot of misery and strife to me. 10 more years? More struggles and scraping by just to get through. I don’t know if I can take it. Why not make it 10 days and I’d be fine? Let someone more worthy & capable take up my space of existence on this earth.

But if I knew for certain that I had only 10 more yeas to live, as deary & miserable as that sounds now, I’d do all the things that I’ve wanted to do but just never got to doing. I’d want to travel to places that I’ve wanted to visit so badly but never have. Heck, even revisit the places that I have been too and liked and wouldn’t mind visiting once again. Eat all the food & drink all the drinks that I would want to but never have.

I’ll try and see all of my favourite rock bands live in concert, get their autographs and hopefully even get to sing on stage once again (the only time I was on a real stage singing my heart out was exhilarating and I’d want to experience that again). I’d want to see English Premier League matches live from the actual stadiums. May be i'd get my self deserted in an island. Attend a world cup or two in the hosting country. Act in a movie – any part; I’ll be the girl that’s the friend of the friend of the friend of the main actor! Stand on Antartica and sail the oceans. Go to every beautiful spot on this planet if I could.

10 years? Well it seems like a lot to me.

Mother's Love

A thought came up today, while I was passing by a school yesterday afternoon. 

This was the spectacle I saw, a mom was hurrying down the roadside, with a big tiffin bag in a hand. She was literally running, coz she knew that she was late, but she managed to reach the school gate on time. Her son, came running up to her as soon as he saw her, snatched the bag from his mother, and ran back to class.

It was quite clear to me the later incidents of what would happen was, the kid would just come running back with his tiffin bag, half closed, throw it mom, and run to play with his friends, and all that while, the mom just loiters around near the gate to see her son come again.

A thought just hit my head, and that to hit it very hard.

Just imagine, a mom whoz not so literate or qualified (as today's world puts her) doesn't work outside, but is a house wife. Stays at home, cooks good and fresh food daily morning for her folks, rather than wasting time by gossiping or doing something else. Cooks nice and yummy stuff for her children, packs their tiffin very well, also takes a bottle of water along with it. Walks all the way to her child's school, just to give the child his/her tiffin (note that the school also allows the parents to feed their children or also to sit along with their children while eating). Expects her child to come running to her and give a hug or at least wish or say hello, and invite her to their class and join him/her while having food. Spend time with her talking and chatting, and pack the tiffin back same as it was, by appreciating the food cooked, and maybe one hug or a thank you, and then also drop her till the gate, with a wave.

Imagine the feelings and expectations of a mother, and the reactions of the child. Not saying that I was a good kid who did all this stuff, I never even got a chance like this, since i had to carry my own tiffin. But many a times we just forget how much our mothers have done for us behind our backs, How much she might have sacrificed, just to see us happy, just to make us feel comfortable. She may have spend days and nights not having food, or working over time just to meet up the needs. But never let us felt even a thing. 

But what do we give in return? What is our gift back to her? What could we do so that if not in 100% at least 50% we could return back the favor?

There is Nothing to Fear But Fear Itself

I was recently thinking about the struggle between fear and action. Sometimes, I find that when trying to make a decision, I put too much pressure on myself. I can convince myself that something I want to do must be arranged perfectly or else it will fail. But this is simply negative thinking. This is fear controlling me.

It is by doing the thing that we are afraid of that we can conquer our fears and pursue the great things that we wish for ourselves. And if it goes well, we learn much. And if it goes badly, we learn even more. I must constantly remind myself that I do not know exactly where my life will go. And I must remind myself that it is not necessary or good to know. In life, circumstances can change. People can change. Hearts can change. Climate can change. Everything can change at a moment's notice. How can we predict the way things must be or will be? It is almost foolish to try!

Things will never be exactly as I imagine them, so it is useless to pressure myself to choose certainty over uncertainty. Certainty simply does not exist. Life is a path that either you can choose, or your fear can choose for you. We can be our own worst enemies. If we have a chance to do something important, it can be so important to us that we are afraid to even try.

Maybe this stems from a fear of failure or inadequacy. We don't pursue the possibilities of so many greater things, because we create mental roadblocks for ourselves. It is so easy to remain in misery for which we refuse to take responsibility. But it is truly scary to admit that we cause the very fear which makes us unhappy. As Nelson Mandela said: "Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure." Have no regrets, but never make the same mistake twice. Fear and faith struggle against each other at all times. As humans, we would do well to understand, conquer and learn from our fears so that we can achieve our potential. I'm starting now. Again.

A Happy Horrible Year...

A lot has happened this year, each day brought something; something new or something old, something happy or something sad, something exciting or something disappointing; always something, never nothing.
I am an optimist, but I can recall more painful memories than moments of happiness. I've had a horrible year.I have been tried physically, mentally and spiritually. If there is one principle I stand by it is that, everything is an experience. Good, bad or ugly, everything is an experience and we take away something from it.

People say, I've taken on too many things this year, they are right. I have. But it's these same people who have voted/ nominated/ led me to all the posts I hold. Life was tough, more accurately disappointing. I worked hard for every one of my duties, I agree I wasn't the best, but I gave my all. The saddest part is that you are rarely rewarded as much as you have worked. I was disheartened by this at first, but, from various experiences througout the year I have learnt to accept this. That's the way things are, I can't change it, so I continue giving, because that's me. My friends say I'm stupid, maybe I am. However, I'd like to believe that all these experiences, though not rewarded now, will benefit me in the long run.

The best part of this year? I made friends with people I hardly ever imagined I would. People in their thirties, people in their teens, people who have it all, people who barely make it, people from India, people from abroad. I have come in contact with all these people and learnt many nice things and shared fabulous experiences with them. Sadly, some of the most bitter things that happened in the year, were my experiences with people. This year, I've learnt to appreciate those who behave like animals outrightly; compared to those who pat your back and stroke your hair, and when you least expect it, they ram your head onto a rock.

I don't mean to whine, but those who know me, will agree, I am being quite honest, when I say I have had a bad year. I have cried often. I have been ridiculed, I have been ostracized,I have been accused, I have been close to death. I've learnt many things this year, through my illnesses and my mistakes. I'd question God; “why me?”, but now, I've learnt to accept. I cry, I hurt within, but then I stand up and smile. Nothing has happened randomly. There is a purpose and I will see it some day.
Ofcourse, I have to admit, there were wonderful moments this year. Eating Papad and Cheese Spread at 2 am, an unplanned trip to Nashik, riding a bicycle in the rain, learning item numbers on a Sunday morning, stuffing the chicken at 2.00am for an unplanned party, standing at the top of the mountain, wearing mummy's saree, writing stupid letters and embarrasing myself. I've had a hell lot of fun.

Since January my life has been painful. It's December. I'm nearly at the end, but actually so much closer to a new begining.

Breaking Up and Bringing Up

I know, I always come up with some very weird analogies , but I honestly think this one makes sense. This analogy was formed to console a weeping friend and it worked. She burst out laughing as soon as I compared breaking up to the process of vomiting. That’s right, vomiting.

You eat something, it tastes great, and you can’t have enough of it. Then you’re full with it, you don’t want more, but it still continues to be with you. Slowly, you start feeling uneasy. Your uneasiness increases and increases. You want it to stop, and you want to be back to normal. You’re uneasiness continues though and all of a sudden it happens. You puke. It’s disgusting. You’re embarrassed, you feel horrible. It’s not the end. You feel better, but you have this disgusting, sick taste. You try everything possible to get rid of it, forget it; but it’s still there. Slowly, very slowly, you get over that taste, you stop mourning over it and you start to feel normal again.

With all this done, you’re not absolutely fine, you’re too afraid to eat anything again. Especially the type of food that made you puke. Sometimes you come across the place where you first encountered that particular food, or you see someone else with that food and you start to feel uneasy again. Then you tell yourself that you need to start eating normally again. Initially you avoid those food types which made you sick, no matter how enticing they seem. You go in for less complex foods, you play safe. Some day though, you’ll be fine and back to eating and enjoying it. For some of us, this whole process happens easily and quickly but for others it takes a while.

And that is my explanation and it makes sense.

Oceans and Decades Apart

I recently met two people ( separately ) who'd been in a relationship a long time ago.

He : Is she doing well ?
Me : Yes.
He : Is she happy ?
Me : Yes.
He : That's great. She's a lovely person. She deserves it. It feels good hearing that.

She : Is he doing well ?
Me : No.
She : Is he ok ?
Me : No.
She : Damn. That's so sad. He's a great guy. He doesn't deserve it. I'll pray for him.

I recall their breakup was a bitter one. They had not been in touch for over a decade. And yet they had it in them to remember the other fondly and genuinely rejoice in their happiness or feel sad at the other's pain.

I wish more people were like this. It's a quality we don't see anymore.