The humanity of chewing gum.

I have been walking with chewing gum stuck to the soles of my footwear for four days now. The damn thing just refuses to come off and I have tried everything from scraping it against a wall to soaking my beloved flip-flops in hot water.

We humans have so many issues to discuss, crimes to judge and people to kill that the little things escape our attention. When is the last time you thought of keeping a respectable amount of space between you and the person in front of you in a queue? I know ‘respectable’ is an opinion, but somehow most of us prefer to have ourselves breathing down someone’s neck.

I guess it is because some of us also have the habit of butting into whatever little space visible to us and ‘adjusting’ into it even if it meant displacing everyone around for a mile. For a long time, I thought that it is because the world is fast and time is money and blah blah…but now I see that it is plain bad habit.

When I was returning home from office yesterday evening, I realized that it wouldn’t make any damn difference to a single passenger if the motorman never gives a signal before the train leaves the platform. The moment the train reached the next station, almost everyone around me shot up from their places pushing each other just as ready as the Indian National Army at war.

Getting back to the gum under my feet, there’s a reason you have wrappers (except for you to litter), tissues and if they suit your fancy, even leaves. Once you are done chewing, just wrap the goddamn thing before disposing it instead of spitting it out for it to wait to annoy someone else. Remind me to start a petition on this.

We talk about humanity, terrorism and women empowerment, but who will preach that we should not sneeze without covering our nose?

Dream, Dream a Little More

Future. Wasn’t it supposed to be an abstract idea? Something full of hopes and dreams and all the rosy promises. Having a dream was enough. Like, yeah, I’m going to be a writer with loads of money or own a magical chocolate factory with my personal little favourite people work-force and have a house with a room each for books, handicrafts, and all crazy stuff  and an Olympic sized swimming pool
and maybe, Mr.Perfect as my husband. When all the little girls my age were dreaming of being the future Miss Universe, I was hoping I’d be a space scientist and finally figure out what lies in the vast emptiness beyond the skies. I wanted to be a fashion designer, an artist, a singer, a dancer (so what if I can’t sing& dance). I wanted to be a tattoo artist. I wanted to invent something cool and have my picture in Science books of the future for my great-great-great-great-great kids to draw moustaches on.  I wanted to be everything I could be and more. I wanted to be anything but ordinary. I swear, I had the perfectly clear idea of my future. I knew what I wanted to be, who I wanted to be. I swear. Until, now.


And then, when I need them the most, my dreams deserted me. All those crazy, possibly impossible dreams. Right when the time to work on them was there, I was on a boomerang ride. Neways no regrets.. Of the Endless Dreams I dreamt I did manage to meet  a few.  Right now when the future waits for me, in all its uncertain glory. It’s waiting I don't know taking me where and for what. So, what do I do now?


I write a stupid blog post about it. I laugh for no reason at all. I get mad at a person for pointing out the obvious mistakes I know I’m making, and I love that person for pointing it out anyways.  I crib to everyone I know about how my life sucks and be glad that those people are in my life to listen to my crap. I listen to music and dance while thinking I then struggled to solve math problems and now life problems.


I work, and I work hard. I dream and I dream a little more. I hope and I give it all I’ve got.

Pieces Of Me

Got these dreams of mine bottled up,

For when the night is dark,

And the fairies lose their way,

I’ll live with those dreams of mine,

And wait patiently for the day.

Got all the inspirations of mine penned down,

For when the sun doesn’t shine as bright,

And the rain starts to pour,

I’ll read from these frayed pages,

And lose myself in a fantastical lore.

Got all the memories put up in frames,

For if one day we wake up and forget,

How beautiful life can be,

I’ll see these pictures and remind myself,

To start again and pick up –

All the fallen pieces of me.

***

 I know it isn’t really good, but, whatever. I’m just happy that I wrote something after all this time.

whats my goal? And whats on for me ??

Who am i ??? What am i doing here ?? Whats my future?

These are things that i always Ask God About...
i am tired.. so tired.. of all thigns that are happening now... My plans are uncertain..
 future is uncertain... SIGH... HOW HOW HOW??????

Anyway i've been thinking for  years... and guess what .. this year's intake is by far the worst one ever.... so what am i going to do about it ??? I DONT KNOW............................

Here i am .. in the office writing this ... dozing off... Meaningless Meaningless... sigh....


i think i will attempt to write a poem... here we go...


LIFE ...

Life ?
Is it present or is it Past ?
Is it good or is it Bad?
Is it Exciting or is it disgusting?
Is it Meaningful or is it meaningless?


Whatever it is an influence reminds me always:
L: Lord
I: IS 
F: Forever
E: Encouraging


Thats what brings me hope in life.. :)

It’s a Kinda Magic.

I will always remember how I loved reading fairy tales and stories just as every normal child did when they were kids. I also remember how, though many of my friends soon seemed to outgrow that stage, it took me longer than most to do so myself. My favourite story was Tom Thumb; the little boy who was as short as a thumb but with adventures bigger than any other person around. I always hoped, wished and even prayed for a little man or woman of my own to call my friend. It did happen; but looking at my brother, I did realize that he was a tad bit bigger than Tom Thumb ever was!


As I grew up, I slowly lost my faith in magic and magical happenings. I felt that I had grown above and beyond those things, and every magical thought, wish and dream was drowned in the cold ocean of reality. Now, however, today in my late twenties, I’m beginning to wonder; was I wrong to do so?
What if magic DID exist?


A different kind, of course than potions and a wave of a magic wand, from poison apples and spells and wishes granted. Yesterday, on a long walk from Miraroad station to home, I pondered on why these stories were told and read to us from the time we were little. Was it just the, “goodness always prevails,” or “don’t be greedy” that we was being drilled into our heads? Or was it something more than just  that?


Cinderella, a poor, bedraggled girl with no prospects and not much hope still wanted to find love , though her chances were nil. She managed to do this when her fairy godmother appeared out of nowhere, dressed her up and sent her to the ball. Was it the make-up or the gown that Prince Charming fell in love with?  It was her; the beauty and simplicity that was her. All she needed was an opportunity, and the courage to grab on to it and make it work for her.


Sleeping Beauty was cursed to sleep for all eternity, but her Prince Charming road up to her castle, kissed her and brought her back to life. The same goes for Snow White.


Children can’t understand big, complex concepts like, “When you get an opportunity, grab on to it, and fight, because it might never come again, becuase the world is a cruel, harsh place.” Nor do we want them to. We want our children exposed to all of the good and warmth of the world possible till the last moment. They can, however, understand that because of her ‘fairy godmother’ dressing her up so that she could attend the ball, she found true love and that saved her from misfortune. Old ‘Ella could just as easily have said she was afraid or that she didn’t dare do something like that, but she never did. She grabbed on to opportunity, grabbed on to chance, and rode her way to happiness and success, and Pretty Boy *ahem* Prince Charming later showed that he loved her even in rags.
Sleeping Beauty, due to an old evil Crone was forced into slumber and dormancy. Her soul was cold and lifeless, but love’s true kiss woke her up, as with Snow White.


Later on, children realize that they don’t really have fairy godmothers. Old, sweaty aunties who feed them jalebis and pinch their cheeks, yes, but not fairy godmothers. But sooner or later, we all realize that we don’t need FGs to get us what we want, because what the story tried to tell us, what it really was all about was snatching at opportunities, fighting against all odds, and finding happiness despite all that’s against you.


Maybe an old witch’s curse wasn’t what made so many Beauties out there fall asleep and ‘die’. Maybe it was a broken heart, no prospects, depression, sorrow, whatever. But like Sleeping Beauty, despite being forced into frigid and frozen languishing, there will someday be a Prince Charming to come rescue you and awaken you to the world, and to all that beauty out there that they closed off with their souls, no mattef how unlikely it seems.


And that, friends, is why I think Fairy Tales were made. Not just to entertain, but for children in their own way to understand and forever remember that there is always hope and goodness left in the world, no matter where or who you are. And for them to know that there will always be magic. At their fingertips, in their eyes, in their hands, in their hearts. And that magic will get them through it all, make good all the bad and the wrongs done, just like a little spell from a  good old Fairy Godmother.


When you’re down in the dumps, read a fairy-tale.  You’ll know that there’s always reason to smile.

When does the turn come?

I have heard. That people move on. Eventually. That we forget and forge a new life. The past eventually fades away, and a brighter future comes. We get over deaths, heart breaks, failures, rejections, even wounds and embarrassments. I have heard. I refuse to believe it though. If we do get over it, if we do forget it all and don’t ever look back, was it at all worth it? If we don’t reflect upon it, will we be the person we are or are we just trying to hide? I know we have forged many masks. Masks to show people we don’t care. Masks so that people never know we are vulnerable. But, hey, if we all end up wearing masks, don’t we all know that we are wearing masks? Does that mean ‘transparency’ is just a theory? How do you learn to trust someone new if you have been lied to, before? How do you not question your actions when you realize that you have forgotten your past mistakes and you are in fact repeating them, subconsciously?


I have heard people change. That people shed their old skins and evolve. Does that mean you are a new person? Are you no longer attached to your past? Are there no skeletons in your closet? Let’s face it. We move on, but don’t move away. We walk ahead but a glance strays back, a furtive one, maybe but a glance anyway.

A toast to all

Today, friends, I propose a toast. A toast to all things that have come and gone, a toast to all things that are yet to be, and most importantly, a toast to all things that are; those that are in my ’here’ and ‘now’, and those that we must always remember to cherish the most.

A toast to friendship, and the glorious highs, and the below -the-belt lows. Let’s never forget all that those we call our friends have taught and done for us. Let’s especially remember friends we’ve lost, because they’re the most valuable of them all. They showed us so much in the short time that they were with us, and when they were gone, their loss made us wake up a little from the inside and look around to value those that still remained, and helped us cling on more fiercely to them, loving them a little more for simply BEING THERE.

A toast to love, to all the many kinds of it that exist in this world, all the little ways that this, the greatest emotion one can ever experience expresses itself in, to revelling in it, to really feeling it, to sometimes loosing it, but always, always, loving love, simply for coming into our lives.

A toast to music, to all the various forms and kinds of it, to the bliss that it brings, to the beautiful form of expression that it is in itself, to the understanding that it sometimes brings with the simple ease of opening a present. To the flow of it, the rhythm that we dance to, cry to, sing to, laugh to and love to….

A toast to books. Books, which keep us sane, and help us hide our faces from the world when the fat tears are rolling down our cheeks, and to the crinkly pages, who willingly accept these tears that fall on them and mark themselves in their effort to absorb our pains. To the stories that we give so much time living in that we sometimes forget ourselves and our duties around us, and for giving us the comfort of a short-lived, yet well-loved retreat from it all.

A toast to change. Change that comes in all it’s many forms, from combing your hair a LITTLE differently today to choosing between jobs, or, in this time of recession, getting one in the first place. To change, that gracefully unwinds us from the cocoon that is the mundane and routine, to change that gives us reason to move on and realize that there is MORE out there when we’re knocked down hard, gasping, panting, but somehow, still surviving.

A toast to the beautiful, meaningful idleness that i so love to spend time in. Oh, how amazing it is, how much it makes me think, how it makes me realize that there are more ways to express oneself than writing.

A toast to My Bestie, who can still make me smile no matter how much time has passed since a long heart to heart.

A toast to the little things, the simple things. The little sparrow’s nest I see everyday on my way to work, the brave little sapling that has growing in the spoonful of earth lodged in a little crack of the wall in my apartment on the ground floor which shows me and all it’s siblings down below that to be noticed, you have to be unique and different, to the pigeon who calls out to me mournfully in the morning, to the toothless beggar who smiles at me daily when I pass him by, reminding me of the little fact that you can have nothing, nothing in the world ( not even teeth,) to smile about, but you may still smile.

To life and all it’s ups and downs, to learning, to loving, to dancing, to existing, to always having so, SO much to still keep fighting for….

A Toast to All….

it's been a long week

.or rather a really long month.

too much work. not enough sleep. brain dead. feeling a little lost. and i think age has something to do with the way i feel.

physically and emotionally.

getting fat. metabolic rate is declining faster than the global stock market. energy levels at all time low. water retention. feeling bloated.

don't feel so good about myself. strange. I was never that self conscious. Somehow, people's remarks about how i look now are getting to me. I hate it and I am fighting it, but it's wearing me out.

2014, Some news we might see in the new year!

Hello Everyone, Here is something as a gift for all of you. A post on the very first day of the new year. Read it and blame yourself for reading it later.

"Just like every other year, this one has also gone away into history. But 2013 did make a lot of differences in many lives. We lost some (Jiyah Khan, Pran Kishan, Paul Walker, Nelson Mandela, Margaret Thatcher), while some arrived into the world (my special baby- My Godchild and 50million other kids). We saw big things (Arvind Kejriwal sworne as CM) and some small things (Dhoom3's cast).

But just like every other year, we are left with the same hopes (and the same failed government). Though it’s just a matter of one digit—2013 to 2014—which won’t change anything, but there’s one thing that we can always expect the next year to be better in. NEWS! Seeing the trends 2013 is leaving us with, here is something I think, can become the news of 2014.

Let’s start with the Hero of 2013. Anna Hazare is the obvious choice. If you don’t vote for Katrina Kaif as the Heroine of 2013, she can readily strip for you and your views will change. So now there’s high probability that the hero and heroine will join together in 2014 to do, well, whatever they do! While Anna performs his fasting, Kat could strip so that the Anna fans do not get bored!

With the popularity of few politicians  since they were slapped, I think it’s high time, the PM should declare ‘Slapping’ as the National Action. Who knows, we might see the National Slap Day being observed, where politicians volunteer to be slapped and get Facebook promotions in return!

"Another super popular thing this year were many of the Bollywood item numbers. Seeing the popularity, some underrated soul might use them for their fame. Don’t tell anyone but our secret sources report that Manmohan Singh is planning to sing the silent version of Mujhe Cash de, to be released on his birthday next year.

The biggest question 2013 has left us with is Sachin’s retirement. And the way he has played, I guess in 2014, we may see a few of the cricketers hit a few hundreds (of nervous nineties)! (No offence to Sachin fans, even I am one)

Bollywood might see some big things next year. Big Boss season7 has just ended. Bored by usual ways of promotion, the producers have decided to do acts in public what their actors and actresses do in a movie. So the public will now get to see the celebrities doing the same things they do on TV: shirtless, topless and bottomless!

The Bharat Ratna will also be another much discussed thing the next year since it is now open to sportspersons. Now that sportsmen can get it, I think Vinod Kambli will be its recipient in 2014. Oh c’mon, the guy speaks the truth and he has played cricket if you remember! (Tell me you do!)

Next year, we’ll also see the Swayamvar of Sofia Hayat. Any guesses on who is the unlucky one to be her would-be? Well, I think i have an answer for you. News is that our unmarried former Prime Minister Atal Behari Vajpayee would be going to try his luck, not because he likes her, but he wants Indo-Pak harmony.

"As for the last and the best news, the biggest trend of 2014 is going to be the one and only Narendra Modi! As he is the one who will save the world on the Doomsday!

Well, we’re done with what is going to be the NEWS of 2014. We all have seen a lot this year, and on a serious note, I wish this year we can see better governance and a few stable policies. Please don’t say you laughed more on this point!

Oh yeah, HAPPY NEW YEAR

There are some days in your life you'll never forget

Sometimes, there are days you don’t ever want to forget. Days so perfect that if you could paint a picture of how you wanted it to look, it would look like that. If you could write the script for that day, it would be as you’d have written. Days you’ll want to preserve from every test and trick that time has. Sometimes these are days of great significance, sometimes these are just normal days. Either way, if a thief came into your mind trying to steal your memories, these are the ones you’d gather up behind you to protect with all your strength.

Today i've became a Godmother for my nephew, me special one, so the following is dedicated to my Godchild….

I found a fairy in a jar.

When I opened it and set her free, I asked her to do something for me in return. Find you. Follow the path that connects me to you. A path where our footprints will be forever found.

I asked her to sprinkle fairy dust on your soul, so you may always have spirit in your heart and magic in your thoughts. I asked her to splash a fairy teardrop on you, so you may always feel your emotions. I asked her to whisper words of affection and encouragement into your ears so you may always hear the good echoing inside you.

I asked her to catch your wishes in a net and put them by the side of your bed in a jar, so as you grow older you’ll never forget them.

I asked her to light the paths in front of you with fireflies so you will always know the right one to take.

Finally I asked her to take a piece of my heart and drop it in your pocket. It is now yours. This way you will know that you are protected and loved by me. Always…

I did this so you know, fairies and Godmothers always go hand in hand together”

What do you call this?

Is there a term for the phenomenon that people are well-read and highly trained in certain areas of knowledge, but fail to put to practice their knowledge in real life, e.g. in family, at work, in the everyday life?

E.g. A civil engineer ,who knows how to use all types of project management tools, but is always messy about family matters.

E.g. A doctor who leads a heart attack prone lifestyle.

E.g. A sociologist who is a slave to social constructs.

E.g. A public prosecutor who flouts the criminal rules.

Hypocrisy is not counted as an (acceptable) answer.

This is a serious question, btw.
And it is not limited to professionals. Just that it's easier to use professionals to illustrate my point.

It seems this phenomenon is rather... wasteful.

All those resources (time, money, effort etc) that have gone into the relevant education and training... Only use 'at work', but not applied in other spheres of one's life.

In Your Own World

I now understand why people sometimes choose to be lost, no, not lost, in their own world. Perhaps it’s not such a bad thing after all. It could be a refuge, a haven, a quiet place, a controlled environment, where one coils or cuddles back into, where one feels a sense of security and comfort, whether false or not, at least it feels so. For a while now, I’ve been too much of a fire element, too hot-blooded, having a response and reaction to every stimulus, fighting for every little cause, expressing freely directly responsibly, whether at work or in my personal life, it’s been a bit too much to take, for me and probably the people around me, it might be a negative energy, I want to mellow down, less is more, keep some, go easy, be sometimes a bit ignorant, more of a water element, be sometimes a bit more in my own world, and it might be easier.

I told a friend, “I want to be more like you. More in your own world. And now I understand why.” I asked if she was optimistic or pessimistic, she said she’s hopeful. Sometimes, you feel as if you haven’t been good enough for the world or haven’t lived up to it. It was suggested it might be heathy to occasionally also believe “sometimes, perhaps, the world hasn’t exactly lived up to you too.” Not that anyone owes you a living though, not in that sense.

People sometimes live with arms wide open, only to be hurt and then they recoil into their own world; people sometimes break out of their shells in an attempt to welcome and let in the world again. Funny how life can be a constant flux like that, huh.

“WhY sO SeRioUs?”

Somebody once suggested to me:

People nowadays no longer want to hear the truth, or  heartfelt words, or need to see what is real, or the genuine side of things. That’s passe, no longer in fashion, boring, and it doesn’t get you anywhere. People want to hear words pleasant to the ears, what they want to hear, that are light, not too heavy, that need not be serious, for the fun of it, no need to be of substance, can be superficial, not to be taken seriously, of entertainment value, spontaneous, that show your reaction, say-it-here-and-forget-about-it-here type. Because life is heavy and tiring enough as it is. Is the explanation and rationale behind it.

Yes, a lot of times, I find myself taking things a bit too seriously. Taking the people around me too seriously. Taking life a bit too seriously. Taking myself too seriously. To attach too much value to everything said and done. I’m out-of-fashion, I guess. Not keeping up with the times.

“WhY sO SeRioUs?”

“DoN’T taKe mE sO SeRioUsly, wiLL U?”

Set. =)

Happy Teachers's Day!!!

You are a needed piece to my lifes's puzzle. Your service has played a great role in my individuality and in my life....

Dear Teachers any amount of Thanks wouldn't be enough therefore on this day of yours I am just passing you my wishes...

Happy Teacher's Day to you lovely people.

oxymoron?

Yesterday being Sunday went for window shopping with a dear friend at Bandra Link Road, and saw this cute red baby tee with these words on  it..

 

I can resist anything but temptation

This actually stopped me in my tracks, and I couldn't help but wonder how the writer came up with this neat but extremely baffling quote.

So simple but yet so complicated. Just like humans.

The Blog Rant

I have been a lazy blogger off late.

I guess it's always easy to use "I am busy" as an excuse. Looking back, that was a pretty lame excuse. I seem to have time for every other useless activity in the world such as updating my status on Facebook, composing stupid messages for whatsapp.. blah blah

I have become such a lazy slob.

I used to think that blogging is such a therapeutic exercise for me. I used to love the fact that people really liked reading my blog, and frequently engaged me with their comments and feedback. I used to enjoy blogging about stuff that was going on in my life - and verbalising my opinions and thoughts via this online platform.

Somehow, work killed all of that.

Perhaps the perfectionist in me is standing in the way between me and my blog. I am always looking for the perfect reason to write, as I want every post to be meaningful. I often struggle between blogging for the sake of having something on this page everyday, and writing about something that matters to me or the people around me. Gradually, because I couldn't find a good reason to write, I stop..
Another lame excuse I agree.

Perhaps as I grow older and older, I start to withdraw more into that little private space inside the shell. I become less willing to share my views, and more hesitant to baring my soul. I don't want people to know too much. I probably don't care either.

Perhaps I am too hard on myself. My friend told me I needed to have more faith in myself, and that I should stop putting myself down. I didn't even realise I was doing that. I always think people around me deserve better. Don't ask me why - I just feel so.

Perhaps I lack discipline. I have left this blog to rot and gather dust the same way I have let my mind slip, and my weight to balloon. I am so good at lamenting, but damn lousy at making the changes that will make me a much happier person.

Perhaps I think and worry too much. Perhaps I am lost and still not found. Perhaps I am just exhausted from carrying so much weight on my shoulders for so long.

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

Perhaps all I need to do - is sleep.

Counting My Blessings

Contrary to popular belief, I am not always pessimistic. There are many points in my life where I would stop and take stock of my blessings, and take pleasure in counting them.

Sometimes I feel extremely blessed, akin to an overflowing cup of sweet water. I hear music in the rain, and feel the caress of the wind. The trees seem much greener, and the clouds look like white, fluffy candy floss.

I woke up today and counted my first blessing. Thank God I am stil breathing. :)

I sat up - and realised I have a very comfy bed indeed. Whenever I am in a bad mood, I would go shopping for anything and everything including beautiful bed linen. I simply adore my bed. It's something that all of us have, but many of us always take it for granted, don't we? How I wish I can just snuggle under my covers and not go to work. Having a bed to sleep in is undoubtedly, a wonderful blessing.

I looked for my phone and there i have so many texts from friends, wanting to know how i am . That's a blessing - knowing that someone cares.

Checked my email and am pleasantly surprised to recieve a e-card from a friend in London, who's feeling concerned after reading my blog. That's a blessing - knowing that someone is thinking of me even when she is 5 hours away.

Met up an old aunty over the weekend - and learnt that she is into beading. She gave me a pair of lovely earrings that she made herself. That's a blessing - knowing that I am someone really special to her.

Another friend bought me dinner last week. His generosity even extended to a chit chat session - where we sang our hearts out till 3am. That's a blessing - because I have been looking for loads of gossip for a longest time - and they appeared.

Another friend has been giving me lots of advice and attention at all times. Owe her tons. She's a blessing too - because she gives so much but expects nothing in return.

Yet another blog reader emails me daily with words of encouragement, bringing hope to my otherwise dreary day with anecdotes of his life and great book recommendations. That's a blessing - knowing that someone is always rooting silently for me - somewhere in the background.

As I was typing this entry, I thought about the people who will be reading this. And yes, you guys are also a blessing - because no matter what happens, you check in faithfully everyday to read my senseless ramblings. Day after day. Blog after blog. You even care enough to leave your comments - sharing with me the thoughts that are going through your mind.

Sometimes I wonder why - but then I remember I should always count my blessings, instead of questioning them.

And then I feel very blessed.

Choices

Life has never been a straight line. In a lifetime, one comes across crossroads, potholes, u-turns, uneven grounds, and sometimes, you will even come to the end of the road where there's no other way out.

I have been plagued with such feelings lately. My life revolves around choices big and small. Easy ones. Mind boggling ones. Difficult ones. Painful ones. Spiritual ones.

At the point when I am penning this blog, my life came to a crossroad. Four paths going in four different directions. Right in front of me there was this brand new road. It was smooth, brightly lit, and a solid white door at the end which opens up a whole new world of opportunities, and probably uncertainties. Who knows what lies beyond that beautiful door?
My future maybe?

Behind me was a war-torn battlefield. It's fraught with obstacles and littered with bloodied war memoirs. The road stretched on for miles, a reeking stench hanging in the air. What used to be glorious, mighty, formidable and highly respected have been reduced to nothing more than ashen rubble. This is where my struggles have taken root right now. My past.

To my right, a vast empty space spreads over the horizon. There wasn't a soul in sight. Just acres and acres of white sand. A bed in the middle of it all signifies the resting place for my tired soul. It feels lonely, and gets a wee chilly at night. Peaceful indeed, yet empty. I lay there often, with my eyes looking up to those stars winking with limitless optimism, and I ponder over my single status right now.

On the left, I see beds and beds of champagne lilies - its beautiful petals basking in the warm hue of the evening sun. Love's scent filled the air, embracing me in its subtle passion. It rained kisses on my fatigued soul, and nudged me gently to indulge in this lovely haven. I hesitated - because nothing's permanent. In the end, it may just be another short-lived mirage.

Choices. I have no way to avoid them, and yet I cannot make them. I feel like I'm in a mudslide sinking deeper by the day.

& then Who said You can’t Change the World?

We’ve heard about the starfish story. If there were many starfish stranded on the beach, why would you bother to throw them back into the water since you probably can’t save all of them? Well, at least you know, to each starfish that you threw back into the water, you made a difference, and that’s enough.

Be it a sincere greeting or a genuine smile, be it a simple helping hand or a pat on the back “well done”, or be it five minutes of your time or some encouraging words… If you can make a difference, just for that instance, that moment, to someone else’s day, a stranger, or a loved one, or a friend, that’s good enough.

We often hear that one person cannot change the world. Yes, you can’t change the world. You can’t control what goes on around you. But you know what you want and can do. If you want justice, live justly; if you want equality, live equally; if you want happiness, live happily. Don’t expect it of others; live it; be it. That’s the one, perhaps only, but best, thing you can do; and then who said you can’t change the world?

“You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” — Mahatma Gandhi

Not *Only History Is Infinite*

“Only history is infinite.” And that’s because our past, our story, our memories stay with us forever, thus infinitely with us and never taken away from us. Only what has happened can be said to have taken place and hence eternal because it cannot be undone.

Well… the future is also infinite, I think, with promise, potential, and possibilities. And perhaps even more so. By virtue of its limitlessness and mobile boundaries.

So not “only history is infinite”.

At the end of the day, they say all things come to an end, but it doesn’t then mean that all things cannot be infinite.

All things may come to an end… but all things are infinite.

The future is a continuation of history. Our future lies in our own hands, and in good hands too. To create infinity, to cross this side to the other side of the hill and then to the next, to bring together what was and what will be, what has come and what is to come…

Now, the existing moment, the feelings you feel, the decisions you make, is key.

voicelessness-facelessness

in our daily lives,

we hear many voices,

we see many faces.

listen only to the voices that matter, 

remember the familiar faces.

do we want our voice to be drowned out by all the other voices?

do we want our face to be lost in the faceless crowd? 

in a sea of voices, where’s your voice?

in a sea of faces, what’s your face?

Li’l Drops of Happiness!

I stood against the cool wind that caressed my face and ran its cool fingers through my hair, looking towards the darkness of the night and listening to the rain drops thrumming their little fingers on the floor. I stood there without a single thought. Just me and the nature’s music playing the soulful music of the rains. The drops of water felt so good, so cool against my face draining away all the frustrations, complaints. And the sweet smell of damp earth saturated the air reminded me of so many days I stood in the balcony, just to feel the raindrops on my skin, dancing like I had not a care in the world…

Sometimes, a few moments with yourself, getting drenched in rain are enough to relive those small little moments that leave you with a smile on your face…

I had one of those moments… Getting soaked to the skin… Like I didn’t have anything to worry about, like I was a little girl again… dancing to the nature’s melodies!

It's about Heartbeat, I think...

I’m really glad to have caught up with a group of friends today. It made me realise actually we all have our own sets of problems, be it with relationships or at work, big or small, and that, we are all not alone. Whatever individual bad experience you have had is not anything extraordinarily bad and which sets you apart from everyone else but to put it in perspective and in place, a bad human emotion, phase or experience which you share with many others before you and surely too, many to come, and if any consolation at all, that many before have traversed down the exact same path and felt the exact same emotion that you now feel, so there’s sort of a collective empathy so to speak if that’s any help at all. You’re not the only flickering or dimming star out there in the vast, dark night sky; there are thousands and millions like yourself, each feeling alone and preoccupied with the circumstance in front of them and that’s all they can see; just keep the light, however dim or flickering, because circumstance will change and things will take a turn every once in a while. I have been feeling like a block of wood for some time, as if washed out ashore, devoid of emotion or scared of it, lacking any inspiration, hence I haven’t been writing, because there seems to be absolutely nothing inside, as much as I have stared at the screen many times and tried to force or churn something out, to find an outlet. It’s been a rollercoaster of a ride, a huge paradox, a big enigma, it could be a neverending argument, a complicated dilemma, a seemingly irreconcileable conflict…

At the end of the day, what’s all these about? “Much Ado about Nothing”? “Love’s Labour’s Lost”? What do we make of it all? What sense? Life really should be easier and happier, isn’t it? Well, at least we should all agree that we deserve that little bit more, of happiness, no? Is life really about the process and not the destination? But of course right? Cos there’s no destination to speak of, non-religiously speaking? Life’s really about heartbeat, I think, whatever the process is, whether it’s smooth or filled with bumps and pitfalls, whether it’s improving or spiralling out of control, or even it seems to have come to a standstill, like a body of dead water. It doesn’t matter each time it’s happiness or misery or anger or disappointment or fear or pain or torture or gain or loss or nonchalance or calmness or confusion or mayhem or everything or nothing at all, there’s a heartbeat, however faint, fast or slow or to what rhythm or song, it keeps beating, like a live clockwork, keeps you alive. Never lose that heartbeat, constantly listen to it, feel it, what keeps it beating. When everyday’s a choice… Yes, easier said than done, we all know that, I know that too… But you can do it, I’m sure, you know it too. We all can.

You Don't Get Me?

I’m learning to do my part and care less. There’s too much to care about, much less what others want to think of me. Perhaps, I’ve been caring a little too much, my friend said. Got a piece of advice, maybe this is sometimes not a bad attitude to adopt:

“If you don’t get me, you don’t get me.” “I don’t get you too.”

True. For you to get me, first you must want to get me right? & it’s hard cos we need heart for that.

“You don’t get me?” “Sorry, but I don’t get you too.” =)

Love

essentially is about another being but too often we might have too much pride, arrogance, authority, and centredness in ourselves. Until we come to terms with that, we might not really know how to love.

The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world.. Love u Maa

There is a whole verse that I read a long time ago, cannot remember the exact words now. However just one line stuck in my head and that was "God could not be everywhere and so he made mothers." What a powerful saying and how true!!!

My mother for me is the most complete package of love God could have ever provided to me.  So many wonderful thoughts and memories come to my mind when I focus on what she had been to me all my life.  She has been a font and spring of my life, my strength, my enlightenment, the warmth of our home and a treasure of my tender memories. She is everything to me in my life….!  I shall never forget her for wanting me to live, for helping me to grow, listening to my anxieties and grief, understanding my silence,  and never the less accepting me as I am, fulfilling my dreams one by one and giving me a chance to walk on life's path with courage and diligence and all the more for her lifetime caring….!

During my turbulent teens, I thought she was my enemy, trying to discipline me through my temper tantrums. Yes I did love her, but you know I was "cool" and could not show my emotions. One day in the morning; I must have been around 15-16 years old; I was lying on the bed with my eyes closed. My mother thought I was sleeping. She came to me, ruffled my head, kissed me and said under her breath that she loved me. I knew then that this was someone who would love me however mean or terrible I was to her.

 I have grown older now and cherish in my heart the joys that I have known.  I thank you, Mom, for your loving care, for the beautiful memories you gave me and for your hugs and kisses…. 

Happy Mother's Day to All Mom's..

A year older, a year better, a year prettier!

birthdays are a strange thing
you’re pleasantly surprised by people whom you do not expect to hear from or who do not have to remember it’s your birthday but do so unfailingly
while those whom you expect or hope to hear from you do not hear from
each message received meant a lot to me and made me feel special

So I’m 26! I love this feeling… growing up but not quite… ‘Coz no matter how much older I get, there will always be a little girl who loves fairy tales and chocolates more than money and boys! A girl who is ready to give up going out with friends and her cellphone if even for once she can be 4 years old and run around the garden all day without the tensions and stress that she has to face as an adult.

I’m feeling great because my friends and family made this day very special for me! And when I say great, I mean it! I felt this great after a long time! It’s simply wonderful when you can spend you’re special day with your loved ones…

thanku Serena for that 1st call and the lovely wishes.. they do mean a lot to me.. love u babe and i luk forward to meet u this weekend

“real, raw, unedited”

just some rantings… sometimes you just want to say, well, this is me, take it or leave it. no more pretence, no more fear, no more baggage. no more what the world wants of you, no more living in the eyes of others, no more living in expectation, anticipation, or approval. take away the hypocrisy, take away the worldly affair. why does the world want or make us to be “fake/pretentious, polished/coated/shelled, edited/pieced together/cut and paste” as opposed to what we are or can be? ” i want to be as “real, raw, unedited” as i can be. as i am. how else could i live life, or do i know how to live life,  other than this, i asked myself.

Confessions of a lazy blogger

Yes, I do realize that it’s been about two months since I’ve last updated my blog, I did totally forget that I actually won a blog and that I should keep it updated. And I apologize to the non-existent readers of my blogs for the procrastination.

Now that I look back on the times I’ve sat in front of the computer and typed my heart out, I realize that it’s been a long time since I actually wrote what I wanted to, what I felt like, so I’ll do it today.

Why do some people get to be rich while the others have to work so hard to make both ends meet? Why can’t I pursue many careers at once? Can’t we just take over the Government and make everything right, no corruption, no nothing? Sometimes, I think my whole life is a dream and I’ll wake up somewhere, in some other part of the world only to realize that I’m just a crazy dreamer. Does that happen to you too?

I want to run away, to a distant land, not because I hate my life or because I’m sad and depressed, just because I want to see what running away feels like! I want to roll down a hill in a barrel, just like that. I want to do many things I can’t. Or maybe?

They say I’ve changed, maybe I have. Change is the only thing constant. Deal with it.

Too many thoughts, not enough words.

Hey There..

Hello there,

I’ve been meaning to write a post. And every time I opened the ‘New Post’ tab, nothing would come out. Nothing. I’m at lost for words and thoughts. Life’s a rush I can’t get hold of. And there’s a lot happening around me but I didn’t and still don’t know what to write, so I’ll just ramble.

There’s this thing about people, they’re all different, different thoughts, different wants and different expectations of others. Some people just expect others to shower them with extra attention, fake smiles, and words of affection which they don’t really mean. I just don’t know what people expect of me and I don’t even care if I stand up to their expectations. Why won’t they understand, I’m ready to be friendly and nice to them, but not fake?

Woah! So, I don’t really care about all the stuff with stuck up people, I’m just enjoying life. Life’s a rush, can’t really get a hold of it, can we?

I don’t remember you looking any better. But then again I don’t remember you.

Shut up, I'm ranting.

It’s been a while since wrote a silly ‘let me just rant about stuff no one cares about’ post, isn’t it? Well, here I am to give you all live updates about my extremely mundane and ordinary life. -drum rolls-

Actually, I just felt the urge to write. Write nothing, something. I don’t really know why I’m here and what I’ll write about. I’m just here because I am and I’ll let my fingers run wild on this keyboard, hoping it makes sense. To me, to you. I usually don’t like having no goal, no direction but sometimes, you just got to go with the flow, right?

This thing is, I’m feeling weird. Confused, shocked, sad, amused, a little useless and a billion other words which can not completely describe my state of mind. Maybe even a little insane. But that’s okay, because that’s what being young is all about, isn’t it? Being confused and trying to find the meaning of all the little things that make up our life what it is. I bet old people are just as clueless as us, they just keep a straight face for our sake and theirs. I guess I’ll just have to wait a few more years to find out for myself. By ‘a few more years’ I mean ‘lots and lots of more years’ because I don’t think I’ll ever grow up into a sane adult person.

That reminds me; I’ll be in late twentie's in a few month's time. I’m so, I don’t know if there’s a word for it, somewhere between excited and scared. On one hand, I look forward to whatever comes next but on the other hand, I don’t want to grow old. Now, I know each passing year as it come's is not exactly ‘grown up’ but it’s not exactly ‘fuck the world, I’m having fun’ year too. The point is i'm scared of the future.

Future’s weird, you know. You don’t even know if you have one. You never know what’s the last thing you’ll do. Maybe this is the last post I ever type or the last one you ever read. And that scares the shit out of me. The things, they keep changing. The people, they keep leaving. I’m lucky, I guess, to be alive and have the people I love with me, at least in this moment.

Anyways, what I was wondering yesterday is, how do we know the colours we see are exactly how the other people see them? We were born with our eyes, so we’ve never seen the world through anyone else’s eyes. That means you can’t be really sure if the green you see is not anyone else’s blue. The sky is blue but maybe your blue is someone else’s red, it’s just that they call red as blue. Does that make sense? I don’t know. The point I’m trying to make is, you just need to see the world a little differently and also I’m crazy, so don’t listen to me. And you are too, if you are still reading this.

On that note, I should probably shut up, but I shall leave you with a question. What are three things you wish you could tell some one but haven’t had the courage to?

Money Can’t Buy…

Love.

At least not true love. True love is not for sale, not for any price. It is the deepest of human connections and is invaluable. However, money can be an instrument to show your love for another. You can give money freely to those in need, without expectation of repayment. You can use money to provide shelter for those you love. But if you think you can flash cash and stuff money can buy to find love, you will live a lonely life.

Happiness.

Back when I was broke, I made a connection between my emotions and my spending pattern. I was an emotional shopper. When I was sad, I bought something. When I was happy, I bought something. Hey, at least I was consistent!

Spending money in an effort to influence our own emotions just doesn’t work because dollar bills are just band-aids. We have to identify the real reasons we are sad and do what we can, within our power, to turn those emotions around. Buying video games does not work. I can tell you from experience.

Contentment.

All the money in the world isn’t enough to satisfy an insatiable appetite for stuff. Have you ever seen those lottery winner documentaries on television? You know, the ones where the auto mechanic wins the lottery and all he ever wanted was to own his own home. So he buys a home…a huge one, and suddenly has an urge to fill that home with 18th century gold statues and other seemingly ridiculous collections.

On the other hand, if we are content, no amount of money can influence our spending. If we are happy with our current home, why buy a new one? Never been interested in expensive jewlery? Why start hoarding it after a big windfall?

Respect.

I have no more respect for the guy driving a BMW than the guy riding on his motorcycle. In fact, because I’m wired the way I am, I have more respect for the guy struggling to start his motorcycle. This reminds me of a story about my old doctor in the place I used to live in. He had a large practice and I assumed he made very good money (and I’m sure he did). I already respected the guy, but one day I saw him and his family out and about. They were driving a late model family car–I think it was a Ford.

Then I began to notice he wore the same clothes I did, shopped at the same stores I did, and basically looked nothing like most doctors I knew. He lived in a modest home, drove his own car, and basically lived a frugal lifestyle. I later learned that he spent his money – doing medical mission work. I sure miss that guy!

You know what’s funny?

How we fear standing out, so we chose to look all the same.

 

How we are dying to be noticed, dying to be heard.

How we are never satisfied with what we have and we always want something more.

How we dream big and then chicken out.

How we are so obsessed with perfection that we forget to appreciate the beauty of imperfections.

How we take life for granted even when we know today can be our last.

How we want to fit in so much that we forget who we really are.

How we always try to be someone who we are not.

How we think we are not beautiful enough, not valuable enough, not good enough.

The truth is, you are beautiful, with all your imperfections. You will be heard and noticed. There’s nothing wrong about standing out, being who you are, with all you little quirks and differences. There’s nothing wrong about voicing out your opinions, taking a stand for what you believe, dreaming big and pursuing them. Life is too short to be someone who you aren’t.

Things my mom said (I wish I had paid attention to)….

Moms are smart, aren’t they? Even though we know that, there are so many things they say that we merrily ignore, and then regret when faced with the consequences of our action/inaction! Here are a few that I think about everyday.

1. “wash your face at least twice a day” – Sure, I proudly wear my teenage acne scars, like they are battle scars, but deep down I regret ignoring mom’s sane advice to wash the grubby face twice a day with an oil-free face wash. Too late to start now!

2. “Moisturize, moisturize, moisturize” – Although it is not too late to start moisturizing my skin now, I wish I had listened to her, so that I would have struck a routine of rubbing lotion all over myself, EVERY SINGLE DAY! Now I do, but very cursorily, who would bother to waste a good 15 mins doing that when you could be reading a book?

3. “Always strike a nice pose for your pictures” – I used to hate getting clicked, and was always sulky when asked to pose. I look back on my preteen and teenage pics and I shudder. There is an oily, grubby nerd staring back at the camera with a very awkward half-smile.

4. “Come and have conversations with relatives” – Yeah! We(bro and I) never believed in socializing. While mom was the very definition of social animals, my bro and I locked ourselves in our rooms, reading books, playing games or whatever. I sulked and sat on the sofa for a minute or so, when called to greet the visitors, but the brother was a step ahead of me. He acted like he was asleep. The result was that I was always dragged away from my beloved books and forced to sit with people. Little did I know that being an adult also means being social. Now I am so bad at making new friends, keeping in touch etc, that I wish I had put some more effort into being a social animal. Now it is too late to start, because I am so set in my ways.

5. “Wake up early” – This is another beautiful thing about being an adult and haunts me everyday. Growing up, I used to wake up at a merry 10.00am every day. When I started working though, it changed and ofcourse the night shifts. Now if I am late in waking up, I know I will be late to work, resulting in my being late going back home late, which in turn means I would sleep late, and wake up late the next day, blah blah blah! I wish I had listened to her advice then, so waking up early would not have been an everyday battle of wits.

6. “Learn to stitch etc” – Every time I spot a cute, overpriced skirt or a top at stores Shoppers Stop and the likes, I cringe. If I knew how to sew, I would have made it myself, and also felt immense satisfaction. Not to mention, a creative vent! Now I am having to spend a 1000s of hard earned money on overpriced crap that I love to wear, but would have been stitched in a jiffy, with double stitching, no less! Sasta and tikau.

Things I am glad I listened to:

1. “Have pride in yourself” – this is something I probably did not need any lessons on, nevertheless, mom always kept drilling it into our head that you are what you think of yourself, nothing less, nothing more. Smart words.

2. “Stand up for yourself, don’t lose your voice” – No one else will come to rescue you, you will have to do it for yourself. Speak out or shut up and don’t complain.

3. “Always listen to your instincts, especially when it comes to men” – this one has stood me in good stead. The men I have been leery of for no reason, more often than not turn out to be pigs

4. “Don’t wait for the other person, the brother, the friend etc to do something you want done. If you can do it yourself, do it!” – I have seen my mom take charge of tasks and complete them at her own pace(which is frenetic) as opposed to waiting for my dad to do them. More often than not, whenever she has waited for dad to do something, things always got done the last second. I have inherited this trait from her. If I am desperate to get something done, I go out and do it. It may be as small as getting something from the local shop, to as big as booking flight tickets!

Other Side of The Moon

Have you had moments where every little thing bugs the fuck out of you? When every thing suddenly seems pointless and you just want to scream out at the top of your voice? When every thing you do is some how not even close to good enough? When you want to put your thoughts into on paper but you can’t find the right words? When everyone seems to be hell-bent on pointing at your flaws and you don’t even want to fight their doubts because somewhere in your mind, you’re feeling the same? Ever feel like you’ve been walking for days to realise you’ve been going in circles? Ever felt like you know what is to be done but you can find neither the strength nor the will to do it? Ever feel like you’re this close to giving up but you’re not ready to let go of your dreams just yet?

Have you ever wanted to take a leap, wanting to believe you can fly but haven’t for the fear of falling? Have you ever felt like a volcano that’s been dormant for so long that people have forgotten that it can actually explode any moment?

Have you ever felt like writing a blog post and giving it a name that’s completely irrelevant with respect to its contents, like this one? Have you ever wondered what would life be like if you were not you but somebody else?

Do you ever hate the people you’re supposed to love and love the ones you’re supposed hate? Do you thank the universe for the people in your life even though they annoy the fuck out of you?

Have you ever felt like a plastic bag, like that Katy Perry song? Have you ever wanted to cry for no reason at all? Have you ever wanted to laugh for no reason at all? Have you ever felt like you’ve been running after all the wrong things?
 

Wishing- Marital Bliss...

 Well the event of the season, much waited, not hyped- something we all strove for some a little for some too much (still sore from the walks)- has come and now passed... It was all and more what we had thought of, dreamt of and wished it would be, thanks to the tireless efforts of my aunt and ofcourse our near and dear ones.

Well here's to more occassions, celebrations & events............

Hello, 2013

So, it’s new year already! This year is going to be ‘last year’ in a matter of hours and I can’t help but wonder where did all this time go. 2012 was a good year by all means. Well, mostly a good year. Full of ups and downs, anything but ok

How do I begin to sum up all the memories of 2012? All that I learnt and all that I experienced? 2012 sure did teach me a lot of things.

My 25th Birthday, the decision to continue this blog, the trip to CHennai and Mangalore, new friends, old friends, the work stress, all the thousand parties we had for no reason, getting in trouble, acting stupid and laughing uncontrollably.

Here’s to all the shit we did in 2012.

New Year’s a time for new beginnings, amendments, fresh starts, love and fun. Here’s my set of promises and resolutions.

I’ll start working hard. I’ve been a really lazy girl all through 2012.

Start working out.

Try to control my temper and learn to be patient

Read more books

Try not to judge people before I actually get to know them.

Spend less time on the internet.

Okay, they are pretty crappy but still I’m sure I’ll never get through them. However, trying wouldn’t hurt, so. Wish me luck!

What are your resolutions?

Wish you a very happy 2013! Let’s put all the negative behind us and just be happy.

I love you, Mum!

Today as I lay in your lap and your fingers massaged my ankle because I had this nasty leg sprain, I was wondering of all the time we spent together fighting, laughing and you sharing the memories of your childhood and me complaining about how the ‘Wannabe’ girls of our school thought they were so ‘kewl’ and all the ‘I-think-i-am-so-damn-smart-guys’ who thought abusing others would help them impress the girls (sorry boys, but it won’t help)!!

I remember the twelve-year-old-me crying on your lap because a teacher in school thought I couldn’t dance. I remember the times when I would cry without any reasons and you would laugh on me for doing that. I remember the times when you asking me to sleep and assuring me I knew everything when I would be awake mugging up all the formulas , dates and places of whatever revolution/movements and what not the night before the much-dreaded examination!

I remember the times when you would be complaining about the time I spend in front of the mirror doing my hair. I remember you asking me how could I live in a messy room. I remember me saying that you’re so ‘ajeeb’ (means ‘strange’ in English… though I used it for ‘unique’)! I remember you moving your fingers through my tresses and telling me I’ve got beautiful hair!

I remember you telling about your high expectations from me and also that I’ve got the caliber to achieve what I want in life. I remember you telling me where I belong, among the best. I remember you beaming with joy in my happy moments! I love the I’m-so-proud-of-my-daughter-look!

I remember all the times you chose a dress for me and I disapproved saying that your choice is terrible and you saying the same thing about mine! I cherish those nights when you and me would tease Rohan about the girls in his class and chuckling with amusement when he would say that he’s a momma’s boy!

I remember all the times when you asked me who I loved the most in the world and I would reply ‘Sprite'!! But in my heart, I always loved you the most!!

I remember me telling you how you look like so and so in a particular saree and how you looked like so and so with ur spectacles! But in my heart, Mumma, you are the most beautiful woman on this Earth!

Thanks for being there when I need you as a strict but understanding teacher, a scolding mom, a loving mother and a true friend! Though I don’t say it often… I love you, Mum!

 

Christmas Lesson

The past weekend and this week "CHRISTMAS WEEK"  has started in a daze, started off with a leg sprain symptom and rapidly spun out of control. My left ankle is hurt and the unbearable pain.....

Looking back, I wonder why God wants me to go through this ordeal, and I think I know the response. If our boats are not rocked at one point of time or other.......we don't realise that it was steady that long :)

For now, grateful, thankful to the doctor for the temporary relief, on my knees (dont know till when)  or otherwise.......this would the most blessed and learning Christmas.

One of those few life experiences that I need to put down in my personal dairy.

for now.......for better or worse till the pain reappears.

Merry Christmas!!!

Dear 50-Years-Old-Me,

I’ve been meaning to write to you for some time now. I’ve really been wondering about you lately. What do you look like? What do you do? Have you done all the things you thought you’d do when you grow up? Did you meet someone worth spending your whole life with? And if you have, does it feel like the fairy-tales you grew up listening to?

There’s so much that I have to say to you but every thought in my head just gets mixed up into a complete mess. I can picture you somehow, living in a small cottage on a sea side with a room which is filled with books. Or maybe in an apartment in a small town with your two babies that you always wanted to have.

I hope you have changed for the better and yet remained the same 25-years -old girl who is writing to you. I hope you still write, and I hope you remember the joy writing gave you. Do you remember that you wished you’d have a book published one day? Is that wish fulfilled yet? I hope you have fulfilled the dream of travelling around the world all alone, living with the natives, learning about the cultures and clicking a thousand pictures, like they do in the Tv shows. I hope you have reached all the milestones you had set for yourself. I hope you are happy with who you are.

Are you still in contact with your friends? I hope you remember they meant the world to you… I hope they still do. Remember all the parties, night-stays and all the fun? Have you still got the crappy sense of humour I have? Are you still the person who has a fear of being surrounded by darkness? Are you still the crazy person you were?

I hope you remember this blog, with all its stupid rants and childish poems. Remember how this was a getaway for you when you were super sad or super happy? Ooohh, do they already have time-machines? You might want to give me a sign if there is.

You know how songs bring an avalanche of memories, right? Do you listen to those songs I listen to now and feel nostalgic? I hope you remember me in excruciating details. One day you’ll be narrating about these days to your children,if you aren’t already doing so, like my mummy does to me.

If you read this, I want you to go to a library and borrow the books of Paulo Coelho and read it. Remember how you used to stay awake till 2 am, just to read it without mummy knowing? Remember how attached you grew to his stories? I hope Harry Potter is still a part of your life. Sounds childish, right?

I’m very curious about how you’re world if different from mine. Flying cars, talking to aliens, global warming, time travelling and unimaginable miracles, is it? Well, I’m not sure so much would have changed in 15 years, but who can say anything about the future?!

I don’t really know how to end this letter. It’s so chaotic but I think you’ll remember that I’m a muddle head. I just hope you’re a happy person and somebody who your almost-25-year-old-self will be proud of.

That's Just

…the way I am.

I can’t explain myself. I’m a lot of people. You might see me sitting in a corner with a book on my lap, or even laughing and dancing in a party. You might think I’m happy all the time, but I could be hiding a tankful of tears. You might think I’m an extrovert and just then I’d sulk back in my own little bubble. Sometimes, I might seem too wise for a twenty-five year old, and sometimes, I could surprise you with my absurd nonsensical talk. I might seem strong, but I might be a bag of nerves. I could love you with all my heart, but when it comes to saying it out loud, I won’t. I might flirt a lot, but I won’t let you in my heart. I say I don’t like clichéd love stories, but I’m really thinking of my own.

I couldn’t ever figure myself out. I won’t ever be. I often lose myself in the thin line that draws between ‘who I am’ and ‘who I am supposed to be’… I’m ugly, imperfect, nerd, friendly, shy, extrovert, introvert, fun to be with, boring, interesting… all at the same time…

And that’s just the way I am. Whether you accept it or not.

Those Pesky Days

When I was in Kindergarten, a piddly kid of 2-3, I would look at a friend and her friends in high school with envy. High School seemed like heaven, and I would worship the friend and co. with an ardor only a hankering child can muster.

The college teen.
This time college seemed like paradise. And I hoped and prayed to be transported into their world. No uniforms, no attendance, no notebooks being checked daily, no carrying mom’s chapati's and idlis for lunch everyday. Sigh. College was so cool.

Yet again, by the time I had chugged through school to enter graduation, the paradise had moved. College was fun, yes. But just look at all those people who are working. No cooking up excuses to pester mom for yet another increase in the monthly allowances, no 2nd class train journeys on ‘student budgets’.
Yes. that was it. To earn was the best gift to mankind, finalized the mind during yet another drowsy lecture.

And now, as the ‘earning stage’ has also been sampled, the fickle mind longs for the Kindergarten days . The days of detached happiness, when the only stress was to learn the 26 alphabets, while trying to learn what 26 meant .

 Remembering about the ‘good old days’ with a friend. She says they’re good only because they’re over…even though they bring back happy memories. She’s smart. Me? My fickle mind can’t even decide which of the old days were really good.

Sigh!
Does a fickle mind bug you too?

Plan Of Destiny

I am trying to concede to the fact
Come at peace with it
Accept it
Subduing me complaints as much as possible
No matter how much it pains me
It wont happen
Because it isn't supposed to
It is not my plan to let it be
It's the plan of destiny
Maybe in a different time
In a different place
Before everything changed
But as for now
I wouldn't let fantasies cloud my sanity

We can never be friends
Just familiar strangers
Nothing else
I don't need more
I have accepted
The plan of destiny

 

What I've Learnt

This month wasn’t at all like what I expected it to be. ‘Disastrous’ is the right word.

But all the bad that happens does have a good side too, doesn’t it? There are lessons to be learnt each time you fall. There are truths you wake up to. Here’s what I’ve learnt-

The worst feeling in the whole world is being let down.

Actually, the worst feeling is letting down the most important people in your life.

Life seems dark and rough at times but you’ll get over it, everything will be alright even though everything won’t be easily forgotten.

You are not defined by the mistakes you make but how you emerge out of them.

Some limits are not to be crossed.

No matter what, there is a mom who’ll love you despite everything.

But everything’s not been all bad. I’ve had fun too… Outings, fun with friends, parties, junk food!And the feeling of winter wind against your face… heavenly!

Sorry for the rant though, but I had to.

For all the sunbathing that i do, thankyou dear balcony. You
have a beautiful view.

 

I Got That Feeling

You know that feeling when in a moment you are all smiling and the next you are overwhelmed by the surge of memories that would avalanche on you and buries you inside? Like the past moments were flashing before your eyes and you couldn’t change them and all you could do was stand there and watch them lap over you like the waves of an ocean over the rocks on the shore? And all the feelings, buried deep would surface all together and you don’t know how it really feels.

Isn’t it better to look at the road of life through the wind-shield rather than the rear-view mirror?

Isn’t it better to get over somethings, isn’t it always better to let go?

Why wouldn’t my mind stop confusing what’s happening with what has already happened?

The phantasmagoria always stops me from moving ahead.

That ain’t good.

Till Death keeps us apart...

 

 A statement from a very elderly person some months back "I am sure nothing bad will come my way, because I have always done the right thing!"  Confidence? Audacity (this is fast becoming one of my favourite words)? Do not judge and you shall not be judged.

Akai's episode - since there is no other word to describe it, has been an eye opener, to us whom it has impacted directly and to those around us, who thought death was probably the worst fate that awaited them. I know that line needs rephrasing, because death is no 'fate' it is a 'fact' something that will happen, sooner, later, eventually but happen it will.

Life is always full of gyaan, so much! sometimes it hits the nail in the head so to speak, if the incident is fresh in our minds, more often than not, it is just that GYAN ~ something we all know! it just looks fancier put into words and on a beautiful background.

Yeah! yeah, its that time of life again :) no not really. I am in my melancholy mood again and absolutely hate it. But as I was told by somebody really wise, This too shall pass......not holding my breath though, I might die!.