Counting My Blessings

Contrary to popular belief, I am not always pessimistic. There are many points in my life where I would stop and take stock of my blessings, and take pleasure in counting them.

Sometimes I feel extremely blessed, akin to an overflowing cup of sweet water. I hear music in the rain, and feel the caress of the wind. The trees seem much greener, and the clouds look like white, fluffy candy floss.

I woke up today and counted my first blessing. Thank God I am stil breathing. :)

I sat up - and realised I have a very comfy bed indeed. Whenever I am in a bad mood, I would go shopping for anything and everything including beautiful bed linen. I simply adore my bed. It's something that all of us have, but many of us always take it for granted, don't we? How I wish I can just snuggle under my covers and not go to work. Having a bed to sleep in is undoubtedly, a wonderful blessing.

I looked for my phone and there i have so many texts from friends, wanting to know how i am . That's a blessing - knowing that someone cares.

Checked my email and am pleasantly surprised to recieve a e-card from a friend in London, who's feeling concerned after reading my blog. That's a blessing - knowing that someone is thinking of me even when she is 5 hours away.

Met up an old aunty over the weekend - and learnt that she is into beading. She gave me a pair of lovely earrings that she made herself. That's a blessing - knowing that I am someone really special to her.

Another friend bought me dinner last week. His generosity even extended to a chit chat session - where we sang our hearts out till 3am. That's a blessing - because I have been looking for loads of gossip for a longest time - and they appeared.

Another friend has been giving me lots of advice and attention at all times. Owe her tons. She's a blessing too - because she gives so much but expects nothing in return.

Yet another blog reader emails me daily with words of encouragement, bringing hope to my otherwise dreary day with anecdotes of his life and great book recommendations. That's a blessing - knowing that someone is always rooting silently for me - somewhere in the background.

As I was typing this entry, I thought about the people who will be reading this. And yes, you guys are also a blessing - because no matter what happens, you check in faithfully everyday to read my senseless ramblings. Day after day. Blog after blog. You even care enough to leave your comments - sharing with me the thoughts that are going through your mind.

Sometimes I wonder why - but then I remember I should always count my blessings, instead of questioning them.

And then I feel very blessed.

Choices

Life has never been a straight line. In a lifetime, one comes across crossroads, potholes, u-turns, uneven grounds, and sometimes, you will even come to the end of the road where there's no other way out.

I have been plagued with such feelings lately. My life revolves around choices big and small. Easy ones. Mind boggling ones. Difficult ones. Painful ones. Spiritual ones.

At the point when I am penning this blog, my life came to a crossroad. Four paths going in four different directions. Right in front of me there was this brand new road. It was smooth, brightly lit, and a solid white door at the end which opens up a whole new world of opportunities, and probably uncertainties. Who knows what lies beyond that beautiful door?
My future maybe?

Behind me was a war-torn battlefield. It's fraught with obstacles and littered with bloodied war memoirs. The road stretched on for miles, a reeking stench hanging in the air. What used to be glorious, mighty, formidable and highly respected have been reduced to nothing more than ashen rubble. This is where my struggles have taken root right now. My past.

To my right, a vast empty space spreads over the horizon. There wasn't a soul in sight. Just acres and acres of white sand. A bed in the middle of it all signifies the resting place for my tired soul. It feels lonely, and gets a wee chilly at night. Peaceful indeed, yet empty. I lay there often, with my eyes looking up to those stars winking with limitless optimism, and I ponder over my single status right now.

On the left, I see beds and beds of champagne lilies - its beautiful petals basking in the warm hue of the evening sun. Love's scent filled the air, embracing me in its subtle passion. It rained kisses on my fatigued soul, and nudged me gently to indulge in this lovely haven. I hesitated - because nothing's permanent. In the end, it may just be another short-lived mirage.

Choices. I have no way to avoid them, and yet I cannot make them. I feel like I'm in a mudslide sinking deeper by the day.

& then Who said You can’t Change the World?

We’ve heard about the starfish story. If there were many starfish stranded on the beach, why would you bother to throw them back into the water since you probably can’t save all of them? Well, at least you know, to each starfish that you threw back into the water, you made a difference, and that’s enough.

Be it a sincere greeting or a genuine smile, be it a simple helping hand or a pat on the back “well done”, or be it five minutes of your time or some encouraging words… If you can make a difference, just for that instance, that moment, to someone else’s day, a stranger, or a loved one, or a friend, that’s good enough.

We often hear that one person cannot change the world. Yes, you can’t change the world. You can’t control what goes on around you. But you know what you want and can do. If you want justice, live justly; if you want equality, live equally; if you want happiness, live happily. Don’t expect it of others; live it; be it. That’s the one, perhaps only, but best, thing you can do; and then who said you can’t change the world?

“You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” — Mahatma Gandhi

Not *Only History Is Infinite*

“Only history is infinite.” And that’s because our past, our story, our memories stay with us forever, thus infinitely with us and never taken away from us. Only what has happened can be said to have taken place and hence eternal because it cannot be undone.

Well… the future is also infinite, I think, with promise, potential, and possibilities. And perhaps even more so. By virtue of its limitlessness and mobile boundaries.

So not “only history is infinite”.

At the end of the day, they say all things come to an end, but it doesn’t then mean that all things cannot be infinite.

All things may come to an end… but all things are infinite.

The future is a continuation of history. Our future lies in our own hands, and in good hands too. To create infinity, to cross this side to the other side of the hill and then to the next, to bring together what was and what will be, what has come and what is to come…

Now, the existing moment, the feelings you feel, the decisions you make, is key.

voicelessness-facelessness

in our daily lives,

we hear many voices,

we see many faces.

listen only to the voices that matter, 

remember the familiar faces.

do we want our voice to be drowned out by all the other voices?

do we want our face to be lost in the faceless crowd? 

in a sea of voices, where’s your voice?

in a sea of faces, what’s your face?

Li’l Drops of Happiness!

I stood against the cool wind that caressed my face and ran its cool fingers through my hair, looking towards the darkness of the night and listening to the rain drops thrumming their little fingers on the floor. I stood there without a single thought. Just me and the nature’s music playing the soulful music of the rains. The drops of water felt so good, so cool against my face draining away all the frustrations, complaints. And the sweet smell of damp earth saturated the air reminded me of so many days I stood in the balcony, just to feel the raindrops on my skin, dancing like I had not a care in the world…

Sometimes, a few moments with yourself, getting drenched in rain are enough to relive those small little moments that leave you with a smile on your face…

I had one of those moments… Getting soaked to the skin… Like I didn’t have anything to worry about, like I was a little girl again… dancing to the nature’s melodies!

It's about Heartbeat, I think...

I’m really glad to have caught up with a group of friends today. It made me realise actually we all have our own sets of problems, be it with relationships or at work, big or small, and that, we are all not alone. Whatever individual bad experience you have had is not anything extraordinarily bad and which sets you apart from everyone else but to put it in perspective and in place, a bad human emotion, phase or experience which you share with many others before you and surely too, many to come, and if any consolation at all, that many before have traversed down the exact same path and felt the exact same emotion that you now feel, so there’s sort of a collective empathy so to speak if that’s any help at all. You’re not the only flickering or dimming star out there in the vast, dark night sky; there are thousands and millions like yourself, each feeling alone and preoccupied with the circumstance in front of them and that’s all they can see; just keep the light, however dim or flickering, because circumstance will change and things will take a turn every once in a while. I have been feeling like a block of wood for some time, as if washed out ashore, devoid of emotion or scared of it, lacking any inspiration, hence I haven’t been writing, because there seems to be absolutely nothing inside, as much as I have stared at the screen many times and tried to force or churn something out, to find an outlet. It’s been a rollercoaster of a ride, a huge paradox, a big enigma, it could be a neverending argument, a complicated dilemma, a seemingly irreconcileable conflict…

At the end of the day, what’s all these about? “Much Ado about Nothing”? “Love’s Labour’s Lost”? What do we make of it all? What sense? Life really should be easier and happier, isn’t it? Well, at least we should all agree that we deserve that little bit more, of happiness, no? Is life really about the process and not the destination? But of course right? Cos there’s no destination to speak of, non-religiously speaking? Life’s really about heartbeat, I think, whatever the process is, whether it’s smooth or filled with bumps and pitfalls, whether it’s improving or spiralling out of control, or even it seems to have come to a standstill, like a body of dead water. It doesn’t matter each time it’s happiness or misery or anger or disappointment or fear or pain or torture or gain or loss or nonchalance or calmness or confusion or mayhem or everything or nothing at all, there’s a heartbeat, however faint, fast or slow or to what rhythm or song, it keeps beating, like a live clockwork, keeps you alive. Never lose that heartbeat, constantly listen to it, feel it, what keeps it beating. When everyday’s a choice… Yes, easier said than done, we all know that, I know that too… But you can do it, I’m sure, you know it too. We all can.

You Don't Get Me?

I’m learning to do my part and care less. There’s too much to care about, much less what others want to think of me. Perhaps, I’ve been caring a little too much, my friend said. Got a piece of advice, maybe this is sometimes not a bad attitude to adopt:

“If you don’t get me, you don’t get me.” “I don’t get you too.”

True. For you to get me, first you must want to get me right? & it’s hard cos we need heart for that.

“You don’t get me?” “Sorry, but I don’t get you too.” =)

Love

essentially is about another being but too often we might have too much pride, arrogance, authority, and centredness in ourselves. Until we come to terms with that, we might not really know how to love.

The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world.. Love u Maa

There is a whole verse that I read a long time ago, cannot remember the exact words now. However just one line stuck in my head and that was "God could not be everywhere and so he made mothers." What a powerful saying and how true!!!

My mother for me is the most complete package of love God could have ever provided to me.  So many wonderful thoughts and memories come to my mind when I focus on what she had been to me all my life.  She has been a font and spring of my life, my strength, my enlightenment, the warmth of our home and a treasure of my tender memories. She is everything to me in my life….!  I shall never forget her for wanting me to live, for helping me to grow, listening to my anxieties and grief, understanding my silence,  and never the less accepting me as I am, fulfilling my dreams one by one and giving me a chance to walk on life's path with courage and diligence and all the more for her lifetime caring….!

During my turbulent teens, I thought she was my enemy, trying to discipline me through my temper tantrums. Yes I did love her, but you know I was "cool" and could not show my emotions. One day in the morning; I must have been around 15-16 years old; I was lying on the bed with my eyes closed. My mother thought I was sleeping. She came to me, ruffled my head, kissed me and said under her breath that she loved me. I knew then that this was someone who would love me however mean or terrible I was to her.

 I have grown older now and cherish in my heart the joys that I have known.  I thank you, Mom, for your loving care, for the beautiful memories you gave me and for your hugs and kisses…. 

Happy Mother's Day to All Mom's..

A year older, a year better, a year prettier!

birthdays are a strange thing
you’re pleasantly surprised by people whom you do not expect to hear from or who do not have to remember it’s your birthday but do so unfailingly
while those whom you expect or hope to hear from you do not hear from
each message received meant a lot to me and made me feel special

So I’m 26! I love this feeling… growing up but not quite… ‘Coz no matter how much older I get, there will always be a little girl who loves fairy tales and chocolates more than money and boys! A girl who is ready to give up going out with friends and her cellphone if even for once she can be 4 years old and run around the garden all day without the tensions and stress that she has to face as an adult.

I’m feeling great because my friends and family made this day very special for me! And when I say great, I mean it! I felt this great after a long time! It’s simply wonderful when you can spend you’re special day with your loved ones…

thanku Serena for that 1st call and the lovely wishes.. they do mean a lot to me.. love u babe and i luk forward to meet u this weekend

“real, raw, unedited”

just some rantings… sometimes you just want to say, well, this is me, take it or leave it. no more pretence, no more fear, no more baggage. no more what the world wants of you, no more living in the eyes of others, no more living in expectation, anticipation, or approval. take away the hypocrisy, take away the worldly affair. why does the world want or make us to be “fake/pretentious, polished/coated/shelled, edited/pieced together/cut and paste” as opposed to what we are or can be? ” i want to be as “real, raw, unedited” as i can be. as i am. how else could i live life, or do i know how to live life,  other than this, i asked myself.

Confessions of a lazy blogger

Yes, I do realize that it’s been about two months since I’ve last updated my blog, I did totally forget that I actually won a blog and that I should keep it updated. And I apologize to the non-existent readers of my blogs for the procrastination.

Now that I look back on the times I’ve sat in front of the computer and typed my heart out, I realize that it’s been a long time since I actually wrote what I wanted to, what I felt like, so I’ll do it today.

Why do some people get to be rich while the others have to work so hard to make both ends meet? Why can’t I pursue many careers at once? Can’t we just take over the Government and make everything right, no corruption, no nothing? Sometimes, I think my whole life is a dream and I’ll wake up somewhere, in some other part of the world only to realize that I’m just a crazy dreamer. Does that happen to you too?

I want to run away, to a distant land, not because I hate my life or because I’m sad and depressed, just because I want to see what running away feels like! I want to roll down a hill in a barrel, just like that. I want to do many things I can’t. Or maybe?

They say I’ve changed, maybe I have. Change is the only thing constant. Deal with it.

Too many thoughts, not enough words.

Hey There..

Hello there,

I’ve been meaning to write a post. And every time I opened the ‘New Post’ tab, nothing would come out. Nothing. I’m at lost for words and thoughts. Life’s a rush I can’t get hold of. And there’s a lot happening around me but I didn’t and still don’t know what to write, so I’ll just ramble.

There’s this thing about people, they’re all different, different thoughts, different wants and different expectations of others. Some people just expect others to shower them with extra attention, fake smiles, and words of affection which they don’t really mean. I just don’t know what people expect of me and I don’t even care if I stand up to their expectations. Why won’t they understand, I’m ready to be friendly and nice to them, but not fake?

Woah! So, I don’t really care about all the stuff with stuck up people, I’m just enjoying life. Life’s a rush, can’t really get a hold of it, can we?

I don’t remember you looking any better. But then again I don’t remember you.

Shut up, I'm ranting.

It’s been a while since wrote a silly ‘let me just rant about stuff no one cares about’ post, isn’t it? Well, here I am to give you all live updates about my extremely mundane and ordinary life. -drum rolls-

Actually, I just felt the urge to write. Write nothing, something. I don’t really know why I’m here and what I’ll write about. I’m just here because I am and I’ll let my fingers run wild on this keyboard, hoping it makes sense. To me, to you. I usually don’t like having no goal, no direction but sometimes, you just got to go with the flow, right?

This thing is, I’m feeling weird. Confused, shocked, sad, amused, a little useless and a billion other words which can not completely describe my state of mind. Maybe even a little insane. But that’s okay, because that’s what being young is all about, isn’t it? Being confused and trying to find the meaning of all the little things that make up our life what it is. I bet old people are just as clueless as us, they just keep a straight face for our sake and theirs. I guess I’ll just have to wait a few more years to find out for myself. By ‘a few more years’ I mean ‘lots and lots of more years’ because I don’t think I’ll ever grow up into a sane adult person.

That reminds me; I’ll be in late twentie's in a few month's time. I’m so, I don’t know if there’s a word for it, somewhere between excited and scared. On one hand, I look forward to whatever comes next but on the other hand, I don’t want to grow old. Now, I know each passing year as it come's is not exactly ‘grown up’ but it’s not exactly ‘fuck the world, I’m having fun’ year too. The point is i'm scared of the future.

Future’s weird, you know. You don’t even know if you have one. You never know what’s the last thing you’ll do. Maybe this is the last post I ever type or the last one you ever read. And that scares the shit out of me. The things, they keep changing. The people, they keep leaving. I’m lucky, I guess, to be alive and have the people I love with me, at least in this moment.

Anyways, what I was wondering yesterday is, how do we know the colours we see are exactly how the other people see them? We were born with our eyes, so we’ve never seen the world through anyone else’s eyes. That means you can’t be really sure if the green you see is not anyone else’s blue. The sky is blue but maybe your blue is someone else’s red, it’s just that they call red as blue. Does that make sense? I don’t know. The point I’m trying to make is, you just need to see the world a little differently and also I’m crazy, so don’t listen to me. And you are too, if you are still reading this.

On that note, I should probably shut up, but I shall leave you with a question. What are three things you wish you could tell some one but haven’t had the courage to?

Money Can’t Buy…

Love.

At least not true love. True love is not for sale, not for any price. It is the deepest of human connections and is invaluable. However, money can be an instrument to show your love for another. You can give money freely to those in need, without expectation of repayment. You can use money to provide shelter for those you love. But if you think you can flash cash and stuff money can buy to find love, you will live a lonely life.

Happiness.

Back when I was broke, I made a connection between my emotions and my spending pattern. I was an emotional shopper. When I was sad, I bought something. When I was happy, I bought something. Hey, at least I was consistent!

Spending money in an effort to influence our own emotions just doesn’t work because dollar bills are just band-aids. We have to identify the real reasons we are sad and do what we can, within our power, to turn those emotions around. Buying video games does not work. I can tell you from experience.

Contentment.

All the money in the world isn’t enough to satisfy an insatiable appetite for stuff. Have you ever seen those lottery winner documentaries on television? You know, the ones where the auto mechanic wins the lottery and all he ever wanted was to own his own home. So he buys a home…a huge one, and suddenly has an urge to fill that home with 18th century gold statues and other seemingly ridiculous collections.

On the other hand, if we are content, no amount of money can influence our spending. If we are happy with our current home, why buy a new one? Never been interested in expensive jewlery? Why start hoarding it after a big windfall?

Respect.

I have no more respect for the guy driving a BMW than the guy riding on his motorcycle. In fact, because I’m wired the way I am, I have more respect for the guy struggling to start his motorcycle. This reminds me of a story about my old doctor in the place I used to live in. He had a large practice and I assumed he made very good money (and I’m sure he did). I already respected the guy, but one day I saw him and his family out and about. They were driving a late model family car–I think it was a Ford.

Then I began to notice he wore the same clothes I did, shopped at the same stores I did, and basically looked nothing like most doctors I knew. He lived in a modest home, drove his own car, and basically lived a frugal lifestyle. I later learned that he spent his money – doing medical mission work. I sure miss that guy!

You know what’s funny?

How we fear standing out, so we chose to look all the same.

 

How we are dying to be noticed, dying to be heard.

How we are never satisfied with what we have and we always want something more.

How we dream big and then chicken out.

How we are so obsessed with perfection that we forget to appreciate the beauty of imperfections.

How we take life for granted even when we know today can be our last.

How we want to fit in so much that we forget who we really are.

How we always try to be someone who we are not.

How we think we are not beautiful enough, not valuable enough, not good enough.

The truth is, you are beautiful, with all your imperfections. You will be heard and noticed. There’s nothing wrong about standing out, being who you are, with all you little quirks and differences. There’s nothing wrong about voicing out your opinions, taking a stand for what you believe, dreaming big and pursuing them. Life is too short to be someone who you aren’t.

Things my mom said (I wish I had paid attention to)….

Moms are smart, aren’t they? Even though we know that, there are so many things they say that we merrily ignore, and then regret when faced with the consequences of our action/inaction! Here are a few that I think about everyday.

1. “wash your face at least twice a day” – Sure, I proudly wear my teenage acne scars, like they are battle scars, but deep down I regret ignoring mom’s sane advice to wash the grubby face twice a day with an oil-free face wash. Too late to start now!

2. “Moisturize, moisturize, moisturize” – Although it is not too late to start moisturizing my skin now, I wish I had listened to her, so that I would have struck a routine of rubbing lotion all over myself, EVERY SINGLE DAY! Now I do, but very cursorily, who would bother to waste a good 15 mins doing that when you could be reading a book?

3. “Always strike a nice pose for your pictures” – I used to hate getting clicked, and was always sulky when asked to pose. I look back on my preteen and teenage pics and I shudder. There is an oily, grubby nerd staring back at the camera with a very awkward half-smile.

4. “Come and have conversations with relatives” – Yeah! We(bro and I) never believed in socializing. While mom was the very definition of social animals, my bro and I locked ourselves in our rooms, reading books, playing games or whatever. I sulked and sat on the sofa for a minute or so, when called to greet the visitors, but the brother was a step ahead of me. He acted like he was asleep. The result was that I was always dragged away from my beloved books and forced to sit with people. Little did I know that being an adult also means being social. Now I am so bad at making new friends, keeping in touch etc, that I wish I had put some more effort into being a social animal. Now it is too late to start, because I am so set in my ways.

5. “Wake up early” – This is another beautiful thing about being an adult and haunts me everyday. Growing up, I used to wake up at a merry 10.00am every day. When I started working though, it changed and ofcourse the night shifts. Now if I am late in waking up, I know I will be late to work, resulting in my being late going back home late, which in turn means I would sleep late, and wake up late the next day, blah blah blah! I wish I had listened to her advice then, so waking up early would not have been an everyday battle of wits.

6. “Learn to stitch etc” – Every time I spot a cute, overpriced skirt or a top at stores Shoppers Stop and the likes, I cringe. If I knew how to sew, I would have made it myself, and also felt immense satisfaction. Not to mention, a creative vent! Now I am having to spend a 1000s of hard earned money on overpriced crap that I love to wear, but would have been stitched in a jiffy, with double stitching, no less! Sasta and tikau.

Things I am glad I listened to:

1. “Have pride in yourself” – this is something I probably did not need any lessons on, nevertheless, mom always kept drilling it into our head that you are what you think of yourself, nothing less, nothing more. Smart words.

2. “Stand up for yourself, don’t lose your voice” – No one else will come to rescue you, you will have to do it for yourself. Speak out or shut up and don’t complain.

3. “Always listen to your instincts, especially when it comes to men” – this one has stood me in good stead. The men I have been leery of for no reason, more often than not turn out to be pigs

4. “Don’t wait for the other person, the brother, the friend etc to do something you want done. If you can do it yourself, do it!” – I have seen my mom take charge of tasks and complete them at her own pace(which is frenetic) as opposed to waiting for my dad to do them. More often than not, whenever she has waited for dad to do something, things always got done the last second. I have inherited this trait from her. If I am desperate to get something done, I go out and do it. It may be as small as getting something from the local shop, to as big as booking flight tickets!

Other Side of The Moon

Have you had moments where every little thing bugs the fuck out of you? When every thing suddenly seems pointless and you just want to scream out at the top of your voice? When every thing you do is some how not even close to good enough? When you want to put your thoughts into on paper but you can’t find the right words? When everyone seems to be hell-bent on pointing at your flaws and you don’t even want to fight their doubts because somewhere in your mind, you’re feeling the same? Ever feel like you’ve been walking for days to realise you’ve been going in circles? Ever felt like you know what is to be done but you can find neither the strength nor the will to do it? Ever feel like you’re this close to giving up but you’re not ready to let go of your dreams just yet?

Have you ever wanted to take a leap, wanting to believe you can fly but haven’t for the fear of falling? Have you ever felt like a volcano that’s been dormant for so long that people have forgotten that it can actually explode any moment?

Have you ever felt like writing a blog post and giving it a name that’s completely irrelevant with respect to its contents, like this one? Have you ever wondered what would life be like if you were not you but somebody else?

Do you ever hate the people you’re supposed to love and love the ones you’re supposed hate? Do you thank the universe for the people in your life even though they annoy the fuck out of you?

Have you ever felt like a plastic bag, like that Katy Perry song? Have you ever wanted to cry for no reason at all? Have you ever wanted to laugh for no reason at all? Have you ever felt like you’ve been running after all the wrong things?
 

Wishing- Marital Bliss...

 Well the event of the season, much waited, not hyped- something we all strove for some a little for some too much (still sore from the walks)- has come and now passed... It was all and more what we had thought of, dreamt of and wished it would be, thanks to the tireless efforts of my aunt and ofcourse our near and dear ones.

Well here's to more occassions, celebrations & events............

Hello, 2013

So, it’s new year already! This year is going to be ‘last year’ in a matter of hours and I can’t help but wonder where did all this time go. 2012 was a good year by all means. Well, mostly a good year. Full of ups and downs, anything but ok

How do I begin to sum up all the memories of 2012? All that I learnt and all that I experienced? 2012 sure did teach me a lot of things.

My 25th Birthday, the decision to continue this blog, the trip to CHennai and Mangalore, new friends, old friends, the work stress, all the thousand parties we had for no reason, getting in trouble, acting stupid and laughing uncontrollably.

Here’s to all the shit we did in 2012.

New Year’s a time for new beginnings, amendments, fresh starts, love and fun. Here’s my set of promises and resolutions.

I’ll start working hard. I’ve been a really lazy girl all through 2012.

Start working out.

Try to control my temper and learn to be patient

Read more books

Try not to judge people before I actually get to know them.

Spend less time on the internet.

Okay, they are pretty crappy but still I’m sure I’ll never get through them. However, trying wouldn’t hurt, so. Wish me luck!

What are your resolutions?

Wish you a very happy 2013! Let’s put all the negative behind us and just be happy.

I love you, Mum!

Today as I lay in your lap and your fingers massaged my ankle because I had this nasty leg sprain, I was wondering of all the time we spent together fighting, laughing and you sharing the memories of your childhood and me complaining about how the ‘Wannabe’ girls of our school thought they were so ‘kewl’ and all the ‘I-think-i-am-so-damn-smart-guys’ who thought abusing others would help them impress the girls (sorry boys, but it won’t help)!!

I remember the twelve-year-old-me crying on your lap because a teacher in school thought I couldn’t dance. I remember the times when I would cry without any reasons and you would laugh on me for doing that. I remember the times when you asking me to sleep and assuring me I knew everything when I would be awake mugging up all the formulas , dates and places of whatever revolution/movements and what not the night before the much-dreaded examination!

I remember the times when you would be complaining about the time I spend in front of the mirror doing my hair. I remember you asking me how could I live in a messy room. I remember me saying that you’re so ‘ajeeb’ (means ‘strange’ in English… though I used it for ‘unique’)! I remember you moving your fingers through my tresses and telling me I’ve got beautiful hair!

I remember you telling about your high expectations from me and also that I’ve got the caliber to achieve what I want in life. I remember you telling me where I belong, among the best. I remember you beaming with joy in my happy moments! I love the I’m-so-proud-of-my-daughter-look!

I remember all the times you chose a dress for me and I disapproved saying that your choice is terrible and you saying the same thing about mine! I cherish those nights when you and me would tease Rohan about the girls in his class and chuckling with amusement when he would say that he’s a momma’s boy!

I remember all the times when you asked me who I loved the most in the world and I would reply ‘Sprite'!! But in my heart, I always loved you the most!!

I remember me telling you how you look like so and so in a particular saree and how you looked like so and so with ur spectacles! But in my heart, Mumma, you are the most beautiful woman on this Earth!

Thanks for being there when I need you as a strict but understanding teacher, a scolding mom, a loving mother and a true friend! Though I don’t say it often… I love you, Mum!

 

Christmas Lesson

The past weekend and this week "CHRISTMAS WEEK"  has started in a daze, started off with a leg sprain symptom and rapidly spun out of control. My left ankle is hurt and the unbearable pain.....

Looking back, I wonder why God wants me to go through this ordeal, and I think I know the response. If our boats are not rocked at one point of time or other.......we don't realise that it was steady that long :)

For now, grateful, thankful to the doctor for the temporary relief, on my knees (dont know till when)  or otherwise.......this would the most blessed and learning Christmas.

One of those few life experiences that I need to put down in my personal dairy.

for now.......for better or worse till the pain reappears.

Merry Christmas!!!

Dear 50-Years-Old-Me,

I’ve been meaning to write to you for some time now. I’ve really been wondering about you lately. What do you look like? What do you do? Have you done all the things you thought you’d do when you grow up? Did you meet someone worth spending your whole life with? And if you have, does it feel like the fairy-tales you grew up listening to?

There’s so much that I have to say to you but every thought in my head just gets mixed up into a complete mess. I can picture you somehow, living in a small cottage on a sea side with a room which is filled with books. Or maybe in an apartment in a small town with your two babies that you always wanted to have.

I hope you have changed for the better and yet remained the same 25-years -old girl who is writing to you. I hope you still write, and I hope you remember the joy writing gave you. Do you remember that you wished you’d have a book published one day? Is that wish fulfilled yet? I hope you have fulfilled the dream of travelling around the world all alone, living with the natives, learning about the cultures and clicking a thousand pictures, like they do in the Tv shows. I hope you have reached all the milestones you had set for yourself. I hope you are happy with who you are.

Are you still in contact with your friends? I hope you remember they meant the world to you… I hope they still do. Remember all the parties, night-stays and all the fun? Have you still got the crappy sense of humour I have? Are you still the person who has a fear of being surrounded by darkness? Are you still the crazy person you were?

I hope you remember this blog, with all its stupid rants and childish poems. Remember how this was a getaway for you when you were super sad or super happy? Ooohh, do they already have time-machines? You might want to give me a sign if there is.

You know how songs bring an avalanche of memories, right? Do you listen to those songs I listen to now and feel nostalgic? I hope you remember me in excruciating details. One day you’ll be narrating about these days to your children,if you aren’t already doing so, like my mummy does to me.

If you read this, I want you to go to a library and borrow the books of Paulo Coelho and read it. Remember how you used to stay awake till 2 am, just to read it without mummy knowing? Remember how attached you grew to his stories? I hope Harry Potter is still a part of your life. Sounds childish, right?

I’m very curious about how you’re world if different from mine. Flying cars, talking to aliens, global warming, time travelling and unimaginable miracles, is it? Well, I’m not sure so much would have changed in 15 years, but who can say anything about the future?!

I don’t really know how to end this letter. It’s so chaotic but I think you’ll remember that I’m a muddle head. I just hope you’re a happy person and somebody who your almost-25-year-old-self will be proud of.

That's Just

…the way I am.

I can’t explain myself. I’m a lot of people. You might see me sitting in a corner with a book on my lap, or even laughing and dancing in a party. You might think I’m happy all the time, but I could be hiding a tankful of tears. You might think I’m an extrovert and just then I’d sulk back in my own little bubble. Sometimes, I might seem too wise for a twenty-five year old, and sometimes, I could surprise you with my absurd nonsensical talk. I might seem strong, but I might be a bag of nerves. I could love you with all my heart, but when it comes to saying it out loud, I won’t. I might flirt a lot, but I won’t let you in my heart. I say I don’t like clichéd love stories, but I’m really thinking of my own.

I couldn’t ever figure myself out. I won’t ever be. I often lose myself in the thin line that draws between ‘who I am’ and ‘who I am supposed to be’… I’m ugly, imperfect, nerd, friendly, shy, extrovert, introvert, fun to be with, boring, interesting… all at the same time…

And that’s just the way I am. Whether you accept it or not.

Those Pesky Days

When I was in Kindergarten, a piddly kid of 2-3, I would look at a friend and her friends in high school with envy. High School seemed like heaven, and I would worship the friend and co. with an ardor only a hankering child can muster.

The college teen.
This time college seemed like paradise. And I hoped and prayed to be transported into their world. No uniforms, no attendance, no notebooks being checked daily, no carrying mom’s chapati's and idlis for lunch everyday. Sigh. College was so cool.

Yet again, by the time I had chugged through school to enter graduation, the paradise had moved. College was fun, yes. But just look at all those people who are working. No cooking up excuses to pester mom for yet another increase in the monthly allowances, no 2nd class train journeys on ‘student budgets’.
Yes. that was it. To earn was the best gift to mankind, finalized the mind during yet another drowsy lecture.

And now, as the ‘earning stage’ has also been sampled, the fickle mind longs for the Kindergarten days . The days of detached happiness, when the only stress was to learn the 26 alphabets, while trying to learn what 26 meant .

 Remembering about the ‘good old days’ with a friend. She says they’re good only because they’re over…even though they bring back happy memories. She’s smart. Me? My fickle mind can’t even decide which of the old days were really good.

Sigh!
Does a fickle mind bug you too?

Plan Of Destiny

I am trying to concede to the fact
Come at peace with it
Accept it
Subduing me complaints as much as possible
No matter how much it pains me
It wont happen
Because it isn't supposed to
It is not my plan to let it be
It's the plan of destiny
Maybe in a different time
In a different place
Before everything changed
But as for now
I wouldn't let fantasies cloud my sanity

We can never be friends
Just familiar strangers
Nothing else
I don't need more
I have accepted
The plan of destiny

 

What I've Learnt

This month wasn’t at all like what I expected it to be. ‘Disastrous’ is the right word.

But all the bad that happens does have a good side too, doesn’t it? There are lessons to be learnt each time you fall. There are truths you wake up to. Here’s what I’ve learnt-

The worst feeling in the whole world is being let down.

Actually, the worst feeling is letting down the most important people in your life.

Life seems dark and rough at times but you’ll get over it, everything will be alright even though everything won’t be easily forgotten.

You are not defined by the mistakes you make but how you emerge out of them.

Some limits are not to be crossed.

No matter what, there is a mom who’ll love you despite everything.

But everything’s not been all bad. I’ve had fun too… Outings, fun with friends, parties, junk food!And the feeling of winter wind against your face… heavenly!

Sorry for the rant though, but I had to.

For all the sunbathing that i do, thankyou dear balcony. You
have a beautiful view.

 

I Got That Feeling

You know that feeling when in a moment you are all smiling and the next you are overwhelmed by the surge of memories that would avalanche on you and buries you inside? Like the past moments were flashing before your eyes and you couldn’t change them and all you could do was stand there and watch them lap over you like the waves of an ocean over the rocks on the shore? And all the feelings, buried deep would surface all together and you don’t know how it really feels.

Isn’t it better to look at the road of life through the wind-shield rather than the rear-view mirror?

Isn’t it better to get over somethings, isn’t it always better to let go?

Why wouldn’t my mind stop confusing what’s happening with what has already happened?

The phantasmagoria always stops me from moving ahead.

That ain’t good.

Till Death keeps us apart...

 

 A statement from a very elderly person some months back "I am sure nothing bad will come my way, because I have always done the right thing!"  Confidence? Audacity (this is fast becoming one of my favourite words)? Do not judge and you shall not be judged.

Akai's episode - since there is no other word to describe it, has been an eye opener, to us whom it has impacted directly and to those around us, who thought death was probably the worst fate that awaited them. I know that line needs rephrasing, because death is no 'fate' it is a 'fact' something that will happen, sooner, later, eventually but happen it will.

Life is always full of gyaan, so much! sometimes it hits the nail in the head so to speak, if the incident is fresh in our minds, more often than not, it is just that GYAN ~ something we all know! it just looks fancier put into words and on a beautiful background.

Yeah! yeah, its that time of life again :) no not really. I am in my melancholy mood again and absolutely hate it. But as I was told by somebody really wise, This too shall pass......not holding my breath though, I might die!.

When Important Becomes Impotent

 

Oh yes I have heard those “English is a funny language” jokes in a hundred and one versions. But seriously, you could never have heard of the version I just compiled for you. Believe me guys English is a beautiful language, but its some people who are ignorant towards it who take it in their hands to spoil it. “English” is now considered a status symbol. So even if people are not comfortable with it, they still use it to show their sophistication and make a fool of themselves. They give it a whole new meaning- often in a ridiculous way. This trend I noticed in Hindi teachers, lab assistants, and a few more people.

 

Keep quiet- please quiet

Success- sex-ess (that’s how someone I know pronounced it)

 

And once, oh pray! Even I cant believe it….someone pronounced important as IMPOTENT!

 

The SMS lingo is a thing that can be misinterpreted. I’m specially mentioning this because I myself have fallen prey to it and I curse my stupidity. Infact, it was this that made me come up with this article. I asked a friend to CUM online at a certain time. Believe me it was an innocent request. He had this big “O” of a mouth then and asked me if I had lost it. When I remained non-plussed, he asked me to google it. And then if you want a piece of my disgust, I suggest you google it.

Another funny story I would like to account. There was this guy who was breaking up with his girlfriend and told her that she was ineffable but still due to personal reasons he could not be with her. For you account ineffable means perfect. Sadly that girl didn’t know what it meant and created a scene thinking she was in-F-able

 

Guys, speak English but be sure you say what you want to convey. Might seem funny but these small misinterpretations can lead to a lot of confusion and misunderstanding.

 

I would like to conclude by saying-

“When Important becomes Impotent,

You know you should draw a line.”

Change

Last night, I got this idea of pulling an all-nighter for no reason. I mean I’m growing up and I’m bound to get crazy ideas now and then, so, not knowing what to do, I pulled out my diary that I had stopped writing sometime ago.

As I read through the pages, I realized, how much the things have changed. The thing is people, things, feelings… they always change, sometimes, for good , sometimes for bad.

It was funny how my feelings for something changed so much. I don’t actually like how some people in my life have changed to this extent. One day, they were there, playing and laughing, being an important part of my life, and then suddenly, one day drifting apart. It hurts, but I take it as it comes.

Don’t they say, ‘The only thing constant is change.’ I believe them.

Also, last night, I wrote again in my diary. It felt so good, the feeling of holding a pen in my hand and letting the words flow. It’s been so long, isn’t it?

I shall write again, when inspiration flows.

Till then, I shall leave you with these words of mine.



Look at me, all smiling.

I’ll tell you one thing, I love you.

When I Was A Little Girl

When I was a little girl, I was told that all the things in life could be classified as either right or wrong. I was taught how to do that and I was told specifically to pick the right ones. I was brought up to believe that if I did all the ‘right’ things, my life would fall into place and everything will be alright. But now I’m not sure. I’m starting to think the line that divides the right and the wrong doesn’t really exist.

When I was a little girl I used to believe there were only two kinds of people, good and bad. But now I’m starting to figure out how people have so many layers to them and so many shades of all kinds of traits. No one’s perfect and I guess, that’s okay.

When I was a little girl, I was made to believe we could only love once. Maybe, I just watched too many movies or maybe, I read too many fairytales. Or maybe even listened to too many love songs. I believed that when I met my knight in shining armour, my life would get cheesy background songs automatically and everything would be magical. But now, I’m not so sure if that’s how love works. You can love more than one person at once or maybe no one at all. It’s pretty mundane and ordinary and at the same time pretty magical too.

When I was a little girl, all the adults seemed to have all the knowledge in the world. They had everything figured out, how people became stars when they died, how the rain was just God watering his plants in heaven, how clouds were just pieces of cotton the wind blew away. And now I stand on the thresh-hold of adulthood and I’m starting to worry that adults are as clueless as we once were and still are.

When I was a little girl, what frock should I put on was one of the most difficult decisions I had to take. Now, I’m faced with all the choices that’ll decide how my future turns out to be and I’m feeling lost.

Can I please just be a little girl again?

A Question

I’ve been wondering and I still haven’t reached a conclusion yet so I have a question for you all -

Would you prefer to know the precise date and time of your death or not?

While on one hand, if you knew when you’re going to die, you could bid your loved ones goodbye and do everything on your bucket list before you finally kick your bucket, on the other hand, the knowledge can as well turn out to be a burden. If you knew when you are going to die, it can turn into an obsession, a sort of count down to your inevitable end, to the point where you lose sight of what’s important, that is, living the life that you have left.

What do you think?

It's funny

It`s funny how hello always ends with a goodbye,
it`s funny how good memories can start to make you cry.
It`s funny how forever never really seems to last,
it`s funny how much you`d lose if you forgot about your past.
It`s funny how friends can just leave you when you`re down,
it`s funny how when you need someone they`re never around.
It`s funny how people change and think they`re so much better,
It`s funny how people forgive even though they can't forget,
it`s funny how one moment can contain so much regret.
It`s funny how ironic life turns out to be
but the funniest part of all, it isn't really funny when u are going thru it.

Composing a Life...

I assume you are a human
 If not, welcome to the planet, and I’m sorry about all those terrible sci-fi movies.

If you are a human, you have a head, which is useful for hanging sunglasses on, but it can also cause a few problems.

Life is Chapters
 You’re a book. You are born in chapter two. (No-one likes to think about what their parents did in Chapter One! Actually, Chapter One is also all about your heritage, your roots, your whakapapa.) The chapters have rolled on, one after another – perhaps some good, some bad.

The book isn’t finished yet
 Maybe, right now, you are in the middle of a rotten, hard, tough chapter. It’s a stink chapter. Stink chapters often contain this lie: “This is how it’s always going to be.” Yes, it may be a shocker at the moment, but the moment isn’t forever. The rest of the book of your life hasn’t been written yet. Even if your book has had a tragic start, you can choose how your story is going to turn out.

Many people just watch their lives happen the same way they watch a TV programme happen. They are interested to see how it’s going to turn out, but they do not really believe that they can change things. Why settle for a lousy, B-grade life?

You are the script-writer, director and star of your own life. Why not write yourself a great script?
You are an anyone. You can do something with your life.

Change means moving on
 “Yeah, right, fine. Easy to say, hard to do. How do I get the life I want while I’m still super-glued to the life I’ve got now?” To get from the life you’ve got to the life you want may take time, and it may be hard. But you can get there… as long as you’re prepared to move on.

Growing Up....

It's a funny thing... Growing up

Because you never know what you want. And sometimes you wonder if you ever really will.

You want to be independent. You want to be strong. You want to stand on the tips of your toes, stretching towards everything that life has to offer you, to taste a coffee that you bought for yourself at a café, while poring over texts full of loves, lives and living. But at the same time, you want to be at home, listening to your mother’s woes and worries as she runs around the kitchen, making you laugh. You want your dad to hug you and you want to hear, feel and smell everything in that little touch, years of love and dependence in that one embrace.

You want to make a name for yourself, a career to perform, you want to love working and working hard. You want to love loving your own work and admiring it at the end of the day. But all in the same moment, you want to be out and free with friends, chilling at park or the beach, laughing and fighting. Just the same as always.

You want to grow, but you want to keep the past with you, as part of yourself forever. You want to experience love. The truth of it, the things that all the books talk about, the songs and the poems, the emotions that course through lovers when they’re with each other. But at the same time, you want to hold onto little crushes and feelings, you like the simplicity of it all, and you know that someday it will all be different.

You want to be by yourself for once, you want to know that everything at home is your own, not shared with anyone else, not made and brought forth by others. But you also want to be taken care of, loved in ways that aloneness will never provide. You want protection, but you desire to escape the shell of it.

Most of the time, in the growing up years we never know what we really want. It comes with being in this middle stage of neither-here-nor there. It’s special in it’s own right. It has it’s beautiful moments; a first kiss, the first salary earned by oneself, a passion, a fire, burning ambition unique to this stage alone, quiet moments at windows, listening to the pitter-patter of rain and feeling all the freshness that follows. As I was told when I entered my teens, “It can be the best or worst time of your life.”

We all doubt. We all wonder where, how, and most importantly, WHO we will turn out to be. But though it’s difficult to understand sometimes, it’s important that we know that we’re not alone. Not by a long shot. And though we sometimes fear we will lose ourselves that should never be a concern, for you’ll only ever know the value of something once you lose it. And don’t worry. Because eventually you will wade back to where you are meant to be, or if not, swim off into rivers fresher and more beautiful than those you left.

It can’t be promised that we will grow up to be just the way we want to be, just the way we imagined ourselves. But it can be promised that everything about your future, every bit of it is in your hands. So step out there. Mould it. Make it. Believe. Love. Dance. Dream. Do. And don’t look back. Because it’s just not worth it.

A bit of what life has taught me . . .

.
 1.Siblings are the best thing in the World. They may  hit, fight, cry and make you wanna pull your hair out, but they will never let go.
 2.Parents, they just want the best for you. They will never easily appreciate anything you have done. Not because they are unhappy, but because they want you to do even better next time.
 3.An idle mind is a devil’s workshop. More the time you spent alone, the worse will it all get.
 4.Milk Chocolate is the best. My favorite –> Cadbury Dairy Milk Chocolate.
 5.God, He exists. But only for those who believe.
 6.Miracles never happen on their own. You have to make them happen.
 7.Planning – what to do next – never helps. You need to put your foot down and starting working.
 8.Home is where heart is. . .family is.
 9.No place, no task is pleasant if you force yourself in it.
 10.Accept it, everything happens for a reason, make the best out of it.
 11.Good friends are hard to fine, so don’t let go once you have found yours.
 12.Never regret your actions in the past, cause that is what you wanted then.
 13.Anger and ignorance takes you nowhere. So sit down, talk and sort it out.
 14. Paulo Coelho's books are really good. Everyone should read them.
 15.Being fat or skinny does not matter. What you are from the inside makes all the difference.
 16.An ‘F’ in your report card is not the end of the world. Its just time to prove yourself to the world.
 17.First impression is the last impression.
 18.If you ever face injustice, stand up and speak. Sitting quiet cause no one else is talking might lead to a disaster and all you can then do is blame yourself for being a coward.
 19.Quit being a complainer about everything that happens. If you think something ain’t right….well set it right!

Aahh, this post will be edited every once in a while and the list will keep increasing I guess.

 

The Beauty Of Sight...

Eyes…vision… sight… We are all blessed with it. That is the main reason why you are sitting in front of your laptop/computer right now and reading this!

We all want to experience a lot in life, want to SEE everything, but we don’t realize the true value of this blessing, the value of our eyes. And the few who do realize it, its only when they are debarred from it.

Here is just something I have to say about The Beauty Of Sight…

Since the beginning of time,
Or as I’ve been told,
Mankind have been blessed with,
The sense of sight.

 

Though I know not of the use
For I only see the terrors of the world.
Life as itself can only be the reality
Not the dreams that you imagine it to be.
A lost world is blurring in my vision.

 

My view is fixed to the
window of my own beliefs.
Though I haven’t seen many sights,
I can see that everything only
Means something if you look.

 

My eyes can only reach the horizon.
What is beyond those borders are unknown.
“So much is left outside,”
Where nothing is sure.

 

I want to believe,
But I cannot conceive,
The images that are meant to be seen.
Only if there is a cup full of passion,
Filling the mind and the void.

 

I have no choice but to become,
The role I was born to fulfill.
I’m like a ship without a star in the night.
To have no destination is to have nothing.
I cannot find the path
Of my destined fate.

 

If I gather my lucky charms,
And seek the true path,
I shall be given my future on a platter.
It is then that I truly see,
The beauty of sight.

 

 



Celebrating... Imperfection

There is nothing ever wrong with being wrong. It’s just the thinking of a hypocritical society that drives you to accept this notion.

Imperfection is the driving force, the reason why you still get up, every single day thinking that you have to achieve, that you have to be better, that you have to gain something or rarely in fact, that you have got to live coz you still haven’t lived it perfectly.

You’re not the most talented person in the world? Face it. There are more than 6 billion out there.

You don’t speak much in front of people? That’s alright.

You don’t look like an offspring of Angelina Jolie? That’s alright too.

You’re not a leader- not everyone is.

You don’t make good decisions? Time to make some…time to play fluke with some too.

I love being imperfect. And trust me, you’ll love it too. When you accept that what you are isn’t anything bad. When you accept that the school of life has some occasional recesses- and that you just got to play when their time comes.When you accept that you have to learn- at every step, at every moment. But either ways, you’ll still be imperfect. Coz there’s always something that you have left out- and that is just what makes you feature at the top of a Perfect List.

Confused?

People always are..

Random Thoughts!!!!

A sudden string of random, cascading thoughts blowing through my mind, each making less sense than the previous one…… Let me share them with you dear friends, for your own sanity's sake????

1.) I want to become old. Becoming old is silly. You forget things, and WORST of all, you have grandchildren. Scrawny, jumpy little things. What on earth are you supposed to DO with them? I’m a grand child, and since day one, I have taken it up as a personal responsiblity to harass all old people (frankly i love their company, grandma tales)…. Let my own even come NEAR me, and I WILL whack them with that stupid walking stick…

2.) I want a new Phone. my old one is stupid. Everyone, from my professor in college to The new baby in town has attacked it, dropped it, and basically, man handled it. It now makes funny, silly sounds on a regular basis.

3.) Veg food is tasty. But nonveg, no way. Nonveg doesn’t agree with me. No nonveg. Indigestion.

4.) My feet are VERY large. Very, very large. Quite Hagrid- like, really. Baby dolphins. I’ve been told that if I ever decide to kick anyone, they’d be knocked into the next province.

5.) My hands are big, too. Very big. Again, Hagrid-like. Dustbin lids. I miss being small. And tiny. And normal.

6.) What will going to college again be like? Fun? Testing? Difficult? Ultimate?

7.) I’ve been thinking of turning my blog into a part review site. What say?
8.) Will my mom ever be able to live without me?
9.) How will anyone ever convince me to get married?

10.) 13 is unlucky. I don’t like 13. Do you?

11.) 14, much better. Will I ever STOP daydreaming?

12.) Randomness, missingness, leavingness…..Do I just basically use ‘ness’ too much?

13.) Will I ever really dance in the rain? Or is it way too slippery to do so?

14.) Is boredom affecting my mental stability?

15.) Was I a pyromaniac in my last life? Wait, wait, wait, do I even believe that I HAD a last life? Why am I so addicted to fire? Oh, look, a candle!

16.) Do I like the fact that I have not done ONE productive thing in the month gone by?

17.) Will life's results ever, EVER be declared?

18.) Will it ever, EVER snow in Mumbai?

19.)Do bald men use soap or shampoo on their heads?

20.) Will I really become an author? Do I want to become an author? If not that, what the hell will I do with my life?

21.) I didn’t want to end on 21. 21 is so disproportionate. I don’t like 21. Therefore, let’s end on 22.

To the World, in general,
I’m crazy. So sue me!

Sometimes I miss my childhood!

Before you read here’s something I want to say.
This one is just out of emotions… Remembering those days, seeing old friends and watching those beautiful old pictures, sometimes has an effect.

I would like to dedicate this one to all my friends in hostels, far from their homes and a few who really are feeling homesick these days… and also to those who will be far from their families in future

Don’t go for the rhyme (Which is “abcbdd” by the way) and just try to feel, who knows you might like it as well

I remember the time when dad was the most powerful man in the world…
I remember the time when I actually used to sleep in nights..!
I remember how I used to snuggle into my mummy's arms…
And how afraid I was of heights…
I remember when I didn’t know what clever or cunning meant and everything I knew was good…
Sometimes I miss my childhood..!
 

I remember the time when mom’s lap was the snuggest bed for me…
I remember how small things made me happy which now I can’t describe…
I remember how precious a small pencil could be…
And how ecstatically I expressed things I used to imbibe…
I remember how everyone spoke the language of love to me and no one was misunderstood…
Sometimes I miss my childhood..!

I remember how an outing meant everyone together…
I remember how our love wasn’t restricted to Mother’s and Father’s day…
I remember the taste of the food mom made especially for me…
and how I never laughed when instead of happy, someone said gay…
I remember how playing in streets was in our routine and we were the champs of the neighbourhood…
Sometimes I miss my childhood..!

I remember how I used to rise early and go to school…
I remember how polishing the school shoes was also a duty…
I remember the assembly, the periods and the friends…
with whom how a treat meant a pack of chips and a frooty…
I remember how we didn’t care for the future and how we scribbled on those tables of wood…
Sometimes I miss my childhood..!

I don’t say I want to relive those days…
Neither do I complain against the life I live…
But I just wish things were simple again…
and we could live freely, without worries and see what pleasure it can give…
What all I want is an unassuming life although with all its excitements, and would steal those moments, if I could…
Sometimes I miss my childhood..!

Ps: The Thought For This One Was Strengthened After I Read This By One Of My Favourite Authors

“Another Belief Of Mine: That Everyone Else My Age Is An Adult, Whereas I Am Merely In Disguise.”—Margaret Atwood
 

Life is too short

It takes so much time to discover. Discover your identity, what you want to be, and your ambition.

After discovering, it takes so much time to accept it all. Sometimes, there is a part of you that doesn’t want to be what you are.

Your eyes fall on the person next to you, and you want what they have- their beauty, their popularity, their wit, charm- just about anything.

Something about their personality – that you suddenly want to infuse into your own.

Say, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to do that. That is an absolutely normal feeling but it’s normalcy has got conditions. Namely- you don’t lose your individuality while conducting the transition and secondly, subtlety is a good choice in this case.

Once you’re done with the acceptance, transitions and finally you start enjoying life, you realize that you’re going to die tomorrow.

Life is too short.

Well Apparently...

Well apparently you never are a child.

Well apparently you should never talk your emotions out and keep it inside, so what if its kills you?!

Well apparently you should never keep your hopes high. Even when you get the worst! stick to it, that’s what its meant for.

Well apparently if you want to cry, well hold it right away! Cause no one really cares. All your emotions and feeling are meant to stay within you!

Well apparently you are always wrong, at-least for the other person, yes you are.

Well apparently if there is trouble, its all your fault.

Well apparently if you are confident and sure of what you want from life stop right there cause you are wrong! Because you are the over confident piece of shit who deserves nothing but a harsh downfall.

Well apparently strength is just a mirage, a hallucination. Don’t believe in it, its like a glass slab, it will shatter with your words.

Well apparently your own don’t know you. So, all that can be done to make things easy is give it up!

Well apparently you should not strive for the better. If you get stuck, just CHUCK!

Well apparently you cry when you see a decade to the front without them. Just stay silent.

Well apparently all you complain about your life was your side of the selfish story.

Well apparently you must stop dreaming, stop talking, start bearing, stop feeling, you mustn’t have tears. Just believe that you were never a child. Just believe that and you will grow into a fine adult.

I knew all of this already, Didn’t need an ugly confrontation just to hear that.

The world will be blurred.

There, much better.
I have to try, though. Will try not to feel, not to think, not to dream

Thank you, world. It was a lovely day. Until next time

 

Because you are my MOM....

Because you are my mom you loved me before I was ever seen
You thanked God for this miracle, this little human being
So exciting, yet fragile it all must have seemed to you then
Hearing my little heart beat inside you, now life begins

Because you are my mom no pain was too great for you to bear
Now you’re a mother and I your child with joys and pains to share
And so into this world my life began each breath now on my own
One day we will look back at just how much I’ve grown

Because you are my mom you worried for me within your every bone
You finally let go of my little hand to take my first steps on my own

Because you are my mom you showed me through the years
To care about others and their feelings and the things that they hold dear

Because you are my mom you taught me right from wrong
Understanding that my faith in God will forever keep me strong
Showing me that being my own person is the only tool I’ll need
When morals and values are your foundation to succeed

Because you are my mom you loved me enough to also be my friend
You would be right there in ways that no one could see or ever comprehend
When there was no way I thought you could ever understand
There you would be, non-judging and willing to lend a hand

Because you are my mom, God’s gift to me was you
As your daughter I will always love you and promise to be true
I thank you for so many things and will try to never make you sad or blue

Because you are my mom, and one-day I will be a mother too
I pray I never forget all that you’ve been through
I am your daughter and in your image I am proud to be
By the grace of the Lord you were created, and then I came to be

just something I wrote for my mum, to tell her, her importance in my life and how much a I need her with every passing moment.

Jai Hind!!!

The definition of Independence Day, as taught to us in school, is "the day India was liberated from the British rule". The earliest memory I have of Independence is the school holiday and also of receiving "mithai" laddoos in primary school on the previous day. I also remember strangers handing out flags to people passing by, the delicous sweets made at home. Hence August 15th has always been a day of festivity and celebration.  August 15th was special for another reason – as a member of the girl guides I looked forward to participating in the Independence Day parade. Ah, those were the days!

'Mera Bharath Mahan' was the slogan of the day and my heart used to swell with pride every time I heard the song 'Mile Sur Mera Tumhara' on television.

Independence Day still remains a very special day to me. But the question remains..   Does celebrating our Independence Day on August 15th alone make us Independent? After 65 years of Independence, are we truly independent? In spite of the advancement in technology, is India Shining? No doubt people have more luxuries now than at the time of Independence, but rather than simplifying life, they only seem to have made things more complicated. Crime rates are on the increase and there is a decrease in racial tolerance.

For me, being independent means not having to go in search of greener pastures to a foreign land. Being independent means not nursing ambitions to possess a passport of a different colour. Being independent means not having to cringe when introducing your heavily accented South/North Indian colleague to your American/ British boss. Being independent means sending your child to an Indian school that follows an Indian curriculum without complaining about the wrong pronunciations and grammar that is being taught by the teacher (this may not be applicable to all). Being independent means not having to bribe your way through the rigmarole associated with any government/legal procedure. Being independent means being able to love everyone around me irrespective of caste, creed or colour and be concerned about everyone's welfare, as I am concerned about mine - to share what God has given me with those less privileged ones. India will be independent when each of her citizens is able to enjoy the fruits of freedom. Only then will India truly be Saare Jahan se Achcha Hindustaan Hamara.

To quote Rabindranath Tagore, "Where the mind is without fear and the head is held high, into the freedom of heaven let my country awake!" When this is accomplished, only then will we be truly independent. Jai Hind!

And to sum it up.. Dis one's for u Fr.Leslie Almeida.. Remembering the speech u wud give after the flag hoisting every year on this day begining with "Shayad 100 mein 90 behmann phir bhi mera Bharat Mahaan.".. Believe it or not every time i hear the national anthem i think of u

just some four letter words

hard
kiss
dark
loud
eyes
yell
grab
tear
soul
mind
ooze
drip
come

done

I dont suffer from insanity.. i enjoy every minute of it

I dont suffer from insanity.. i enjoy every minute of it

the weeks been killer.

1) Did you ever notice if you're in an elevator and there's only one other person there with you, they've got terrible gas? and you have to go 14 floors together?

2) How can something be new and improved? if it's new, what was it improving on?

3) What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?

4) Did you know Humpty Dumpty was pushed?

5) If people from Poland are called Poles, why are not people from Holland called Holes?

Im losing it. hm, what is it? and did i ever have it? why does it have to be so important, if you dont have it, would you cease to exist? does it matter that you have no idea what you are talking about?

and as usual im sitting there mindin my own business when.....well for once nothing happened. i was just sittin there. the computer decided it wouldnt let me save my files, making things harder. i begged, i pleaded, even got down on my knees( u better not be thinkin anything funny here, pervert) - but it wouldnt listen. i even promised to marry it and be faithful and put the little chips thru law school..............nothing.

i am indeed alone.

and remember marriage means commitment. of course, so does insanity.

 

u know ur alone..

u know ur alone when
-theres no one else to take the last train home
-the clickin u hear is an echo in the emptiness
-the mirror cracks with no apparent reason
-the coffee machine spits out sludge
-tomorrow is a deadline that will never come
-there is only one trail
-the hollow siezed up
-the salt tasted like a bitter pill
-apathy is ur friend, friend? apathy is u
-the bomb that blew everything up didnt
-ur shadow never existed
-ur heart started beating
-the devil smiles at u
-smearing ur face with tears was tribute to the living
-regurgitating is entertainment
-that blade shined so
-the wall stares back at u
-the theory holds true
-all that blood u see is not urs

post in translation

estoy apesadumbrado que no utilicé el babel.

sitting and staring i began to think(that is a huge job - thinking) there was a time i nearly gave up on everything. nearly gave up on life itself. there were certain deciding factors that pushed me to that place. then there was just one thing, one person, who inadvertently changed the course of what could have been. so i'm here now. it is hard, but i can now progress, with a extended sense of being, towards the uncertain future. this is a future that holds good. choosing options, the right options....and after we spoke last night, i am more convinced. you should be too. you did think of it as well. not a coincidence. not a coincidence.

empty head
heavy heart
my life diminishes

thought/pondering/musing for the week: when you work in chaos, no one bothers you