I don't know who to speak to

 There’s this thought that keeps following me around. It’s not always loud, but it’s there, what if I just wasn't here anymore. I’ve been carrying around a strange heaviness that doesn’t seem to leave. A thought that repeats itself in the background, what if I just stopped existing.

I don’t really know whether want to die or whether I want to live. I just don’t know how to get rid of the feeling. It makes me wonder what’s broken inside me that it keeps coming back. I feel this weight inside me, but I don't know who I can tell. I don’t want to scare the people I love. I don’t want to be a burden. And I don’t want to see that look on someone’s face when they don’t know what to say back. So I keep it to myself.

Today feels heavy

Today feels heavier than it should. I can’t really explain why. Simple things sending a reply to a message, cooking, even picking something to watch feel too complicated. It’s like my brain is moving through fog.

The loneliness feels louder tonight. Not because I’m completely alone, but because I feel unseen. It’s a strange kind of emptiness, being around people and still feeling like I’m somewhere else entirely.

I don’t have a solution. I don’t even know what I want, except maybe to feel a little lighter, a little less tangled up inside. So I’m writing this down, hoping that putting it into words might ease the knot in my chest.

For now, I’ll try to be gentle with myself. One small thing at a time. Maybe tomorrow won’t feel so complicated.

Little Hearts 💗

When I was little, every time my mummy would return after doing the monthly grocery shopping, she would give me a 5 rs Coin in hand and tell me to go buy something for myself.

It used to be my most awaited time of the month, because spending money on "junk" food  was never encouraged at home and so, whenever we got that chance to indulge, we really relished it.

With my 5 rs. Coin tightly held in hand I would go the the store across the street from my house and then started the most stressful test of my life back- then                 

Which chips to buy?

Should i go for delicious peppy cheeseballs ? Or picnic? Or the Orange lays? Or maybe Cheetos?

Do they still give out tazos? I would wonder. Or should I just buy a Perk today?                                   

And then my eyes would fall on the little Gold and Red packet of "Little Hearts"... The perfect name for cute little heart biscuits perfectly coated with some sugar granules. How did they make them look so pretty?  That's what I brought that day.                                                                                                                                             

And that's the memory I relive whenever I see the packet till date. (it's a rare sighting)

I mean, I think we really learnt to appreciate life in a better way because not everything was made easily available to us as kids. I really think it made a difference.

And if this little snack has taught me anything in life. It's this: All you need is a little heart 💗

 

Being Happy

Today’s thought is a story narrated to me by my professor in college, which was his favorite story also the one I believe he lived it in his daily life.

The story is from a Marathi book called ‘Savitri’ by the famous author Purshotam Rege.

It goes like this: There was an old woman who stayed in the outskirts of a village almost near a forest with her granddaughter called Lacchi. Now they were so poor that they could hardly make their ends meet. Now Lacchi was a young girl and she longed for company. So, she would often sulk, feel sad that she had no friends and would often sit in her little garden that was outside her house. One day there came a peacock, and he started dancing in front of her. Now looking at the peacock Lacchi was so happy that she started dancing and singing along with him. By the time the peacock had to leave Lacchi insisted that the peacock had to stay with her here because that made her really happy. Now the peacock said, “I will come here every day, but you have got to promise me one thing.” So, she said “Okay! I am ready to promise you anything.” He said, “Every time I come here you have to dance, you have to be happy, and you have to sing and all three have to be really genuine, so you can’t fake it, you have to be genuinely happy and singing.” She readily agreed and so every time the peacock came, she would be very happy singing and dancing with him. After a week the peacock stopped coming. But she did not realize that the peacock had not come because by then she was very happy singing, dancing and being happy for her own self.

When my professor narrated this story, he said there is a difference between being happy and searching for happiness. Because when you search for happiness, there are times that you end up in grief. But being happy is a state of mind. And when you are in that state of mind you are happy no matter what happens around you, whether it is happiness, success failure whatever is the situation around you, you still exercise optimism. And that’s the state of mind we need to strive for.

On my part it’s an ongoing practice an attempt to inch closer to get mastery on this. But the story stayed with me, and it touched the core of my heart so thought of putting it into words this Teacher’s Day as I remember my teacher.

To my Papa - You weren't the first man I called 'Dad', But you were the only one to earn it

First of all I want to say I Love you, because I feel I do not say it enough.

Papa, you weren't the first man I called "Dad", but you were the first one to Earn it.

Thank you for always having an open listening ear, for all the late night conversations, where I could talk to you about anything and everything happening in my life - from all the juicy gossips to my hopes and dreams. Although you do not get enough credit for all that you do I really appreciate you, Papa.

Thank you for loving me as your own: I understand how hard it can be to love and accept someone else's child, and thank you for never making me feel like I didn't belong.

Thank you for teaching me that I am worth something: Thank you for always putting my happiness and well being before yours throughout the time. Thank you for making sure I never went to bed sad, for sacrificing sleep just to stay up talking to me about the things that were bothering me. Thank you for giving me the most honest advice you could possible give, and for giving me the strength to face life head on .

Thank you for being so forgiving. For all those times I lied, the arguments we would have over whether or not my point was acceptable. Throughout it all you never left. You never made me feel like I was a failure and you always, apologized for making me feel belittled or upset.

But most of thank you for stepping up and taking the place of a father: You showed me that a man could be kind and a father could stay. You picked up all of the broken pieces and filled the void in my heart. For that I cannot thank you enough. Any man can be a Father but it takes a special person to be a Dad. At times I struggled to bond, I pushed and pull your love away. But you remained steady. It's taken me time to realize that when a parent abandon's a child, it shows that child that they aren't worth knowing. But Papa, you never left. You knew how important it was for me to encounter a father figure that would never leave or forsake me. And that was the greatest gift you could have ever given me. And that is more precious than having a biological relationship in picture. For that, I can never thank you enough.

Love you Papa.

The Resting Of Change

I love fall. I love the change of colors, smells and definitely the change of temperature! I love snuggling into a warm sweater and hearing the leaves crunch under shoes. I can relate to the squirrels saving up for winter. I’m all about the change of seasons, but changes in the seasons of life…not so much.

I hate change. I’m what some would call boring. I’d rather say I’m stable. I like routine. I like vanilla ice cream, if I’m feeling particularly daring I’ll add chocolate sauce. I take the same route every time I go to the station, grocery store, church or the mall. I like consistency, stability and certainty. Period. Change?

Not a fan.

I just turned thirty. but, I will tell you, on my twentieth, the BIG 2-0, I struggled. A lot. I knew this would be a decade of enormous change and I dreaded it. Honestly, I was mad and terrified. At twenty, several huge changes were staring down (or should I say up?) the hill, at me and I wanted to run and hide.

These changes included being a  responsible daughter. Facing grave life issues, Worries at home- work- relationships, the decision to marry an unknown person, change of home It’s really hard! Who knew?! Finally, I knew this decade meant starting to go through “the change”. Don’t even get me started! Unexpected facial hair and hormone flairs, really?!

Well, as you can tell I panicked at twenty. FYI, panicking never helps. As I threw myself down on my house floor (yes, I actually did) I was reminded and have had to remind myself over and over again. He never changes. Life was changing in big emotionally exhausting ways all the time and yet. He doesn’t change. Over the course of the last seven years, still in the midst of these changes, He speaks in a still quiet voice through His Word.

"Nanu, I don’t change."

"I don’t get tired"

"I don’t get overwhelmed."

"I don’t freak out with hormonal changes."

"I don’t grow weary and deplete."

"I don’t change."

"I am safe."

"I am full."

"I am complete."

"I am Who you need."

"I AM."

I have often camped in Isaiah 40: 28-31 Reminding myself of what is true, because it is true. I remind myself it doesn’t have to feel true to be true. Truth is true.

What do you treasure most in life?”

 This question was casually asked one evening during a get-together with friends.  Love and support from family, friends who have been through thick and thin, some special gifts, love notes during the dating days, drawings, good health… were some of the responses that we heard that evening. These are priceless treasures indeed.

I couldn’t share my thought that day, as I was needed in the kitchen for something. If I were to answer that question today, well… a loved one, friends, books, some accomplishments would feature in my list of what I treasure.

But if I delve a bit deeper, my answer would be a bit different. Treasure I am a sentimental woman and have always been like that. I hold close the moments and memories that touch me or bring me joy. I cherish the moment when I met a friend and we chatted away to glory, conversations with a cousin overseas, a long walk with my mom or the regular things Paa and I do together. All these are not spectacular or something profound but moments like these are stored in my heart as great treasures.

Today, I’d like to share two of my all time favourite treasured moments and memories…

Not All Heroes Wear Capes

Some years ago, I was thinking about the troubles that were never ending just like the bus ride back home. So lost I was in complaining to God about my life and my circumstances that I was unaware of the tears that were streaming down my face. When a warm hand touched my hand, I nearly jumped out of my skin. I turned to look into the compassionate eyes of my co-passenger. Before my brain could process a reaction, the lady said, “I don’t know what’s troubling you. But I want you to know that you’ll get through it. Whatever ‘it’ is!”

Her words were exactly what I needed to hear. Those few simple words comforted me. Her words filled me with optimism and hope. And this memory is something that I treasure the most and is close to my heart.

Conversation Over Coffee

It was 2007, and I was meeting a friend that day in Bandra for something that we had to buy.

My friend texted me that she will be late by an hour. So I decided to have my favourite Chicken Burger from Hearshe Bakery at Hill road. I got myself a burger and Coke and sat under the tree on one of the Stones. On the next stone sat a man with some drink and I can’t remember what he was eating. I don’t remember how it started, but we got chatting. We talked about so many things and laughed so much.

Soon, it was time to leave and we just bid goodbye to each other. We didn’t ask for each other’s names or exchanged any personal details for that matter. It was one of the best conversations I had had with a stranger and this is when I don’t talk to strangers as a rule. This is another memory that I cherish a lot.

There are a lot more moments and memories like these, which I love and treasure. There are times when I don’t think about these moments for a long time, but a small hint or another memory brings them right back in the forefront and envelope me in that warm fuzzy feeling.

What do you treasure most in life?

A Stranger who made me Blush :-)

On Certain days I like to have my coffee alone, with no one barging in on my thoughts. For a minute in peace, I can draw a mental list of all things good and bad in my life. That Saturday was one of those times. I ordered my usual latte in a  coffee shop  bit far from the one where I usually go, to avoid the usual faces.

It felt nice. Just to sit outside, not worried about exchanging a hello to a known person or acquaintance. I watched the sun as it drowned in a sea of amber clouds and was happy to enjoy a clear weather which was of course a rarity during monsoons in Mumbai. It was that rainy day when the roads didn't seem flooded and I could finally manage to wear my new pair of shoes. Leaning over the glass table, I stole a look at them. I was impressed with myself momentarily for finding such a pair at the Sale for straight fifty percent off. I smiled ear to ear fiddling with the napkin holder.

A sudden thud on my table broke my self-appreciation half way. Another cup of coffee found its place along with mine. I looked up confused, only to find a tired apologetic face staring back at me. A tall man dressed in formals towered over me and my coffee.

"All the tables are full. I was hoping, since you are alone, I could borrow a chair." His voice was cracked as his eyes narrated the tale of a treacherous day. He needed his coffee time more than me. I nodded my head approvingly and slid my chair a little backwards since we were now sharing the same table.

"Thank you!" He sighed taking a sip.

"No issues." I mumbled picking up my cup from the table.

I watched him as he completed his coffee in silence. He looked miserable. Tie a bit undone, shirt a bit crumbled and an old black leather bag sitting on his lap. I wondered what struck him so hard. Getting fired and a cheating girlfriend were the first thoughts that crossed my mind.

I stared at him from the corner of my eye. He asked for a paper napkin and gestured for a pen. The next second, he started writing something on it. I wondered what could he be writing. His number for that waitress? A service note maybe?

I realized I was more of gossip monger when I was alone. So I scolded myself to mind my own business and decided to leave before it got dark.

 I could still see him standing at the counter, scribbling something. And when he was done, he pinned the napkin on the message board with all the other notes. I found it a bit strange. As he left, I got up to foot my bill.

Searching for my card inside the never ending pouched of my bag, my eyes fell on the note he pinned.

"Today was a crappy day. Actually the last couple of days have been the same. First my bike gets stolen, then I get kicked out as I couldn't keep up with my apartment rent and today my boss cancels my promotion. Well, the only good thing that happened today was a coffee at this place and the girl sitting in front of me.-KS"

I let off a chuckle reading it, not at his constant luck with misery, but at his ability to look and think beyond it. I walked out of the cafe, smiling unknowingly.

I too have been a part of a ruthless tryst with bad luck. Almost everyone has. And such encounters do leave a mark like every storm leaves a trail. But when to think about it, a few storms are necessary in our lives. To root out the unwanted and week thoughts cropping up in our minds. To settle the dust that was clouding the vision. The trace that storms like these will leave on our window panes, will eventually dry out in the sun. I wish I could have hinted him that in person.

But I did a leave a note of mine besides his on the board. It was like a story lost amongst hundreds of those messages, an encounter that found a small place. Just to let him know that there always be other survivors in the storm.

"Hey there 'KS'. I hope all your troubles die down soon. And I am flattered by your remark. Thank you! - 'the girl sitting in front of you.' "

Dear God, Thank You For All The Not so Good Things That Happened To Me

I don’t know if I believed there’s a God out there. But, right-now, I would like to believe that there is. And for now, I would like to believe that there’s more to life than heartbreak, betrayal and loss. I would like to believe that there are far better things than the ones we no longer have. I would like to believe that good in this world always wins. I would like to believe that we’ll find what we are looking for. And that happiness is possible to have and easy to obtain.

Dear God, thank you for the bad people who came into my life. They showed me the kind of person I don’t want to be. They helped me understand how good of a person I really am. Falling in love with people who didn’t deserve my kindness, my forgiveness or my love, made me see my worth. Trusting bad people taught me to forgive myself. Sharing my most vulnerable moments with people who don’t have good intentions taught me that we are always in control even when we don’t believe it.

Dear God, thank you for the grief I experienced too young because it made me resilient. I am not destroyed by the people who leave me because those have left already. I am not broken by unfortunate situations because I have lived moments when I thought I will never survive. I am not changed by what happens to me because I have seen hell and it only cleansed my soul.

Dear God, thank you for making me different. I am thankful that I don’t fit in, that I don’t belong here. I am thankful that wherever I go, I am the outsider. I feel like I’m in a constant battle with the world to simply be who I am. Because in a world of fake perfection, I’m honestly flawed. And in a world of money, status, looks and ego, I’m rich of my realness. It’s sadistic to have no home to go to. But, it’s a blessing in disguise because it sets you free.

Dear God, thank you for making me complicated. Over thinking drives me crazy but it protects me. It helps me predict what will happen, to see things before they come and to feel what’s wrong before I understand it. Being a deep person stole years away from me because it took time for me to heal. But, experiencing every feeling life could offer me, made my life journey magical. My nature of loving too much nearly killed me once too many times, but it allowed me to love someone other than myself, to look at someone and see them for who they are.

Dear God, thank you for all the bad things that happened to me because they gave meaning to my life. They made me see how good life is and how better it can be. The bad things made me humble that when the best things come and I have it all, I will cherish it. Because only then will I know what it is like to have nothing at all

Scent of my Mummy

Did it bring ur xpensive perfume fragrance to your minds? Naa….for me it's my mummy's smell – I say smell because I remember as a child sniffing her saris and clothes for that very unique essence which is hers. I can still feel it if I really want to. Looking back I wonder if I will manage to be unique sumday to my children not only with the God given gifts or instinct but more with my gestures, love and teachings imparted.

 I have a habit of announcing my arrival rite from the first step on the staircase, so that I don't have to wait outside the door much….. Must sound kiddish to the mature adults, but if everybody is grown up what's the fun?

Honest confession, I never did fully appreciate my mum, her hard work or her painstaking efforts before. Today, I see her in a different light, as a WOMAN. I still remember lying in the hospital, minutes before i had to udergo a surgery, I smelled the SCENT again and I awoke from my stupor, hoping to see my mama, sari clad sitting next to the bed as was the case always in childhood. But what happened literally shook me up and I share the experience with almost everyone.

In the words of my mother u are a big girl now but even today for all the silly things i do and all my stupid talks Her reaction when she sees me is(in the words of MASTER CARD) – PRICELESS !!

I guess those are the moments that make your life, your living worthwhile, being there when you are most wanted but least expected. As i look back at my childhood With my never ending wants and unsatiable desires I realize how difficult it is to fulfill a child's wish....

So here goes, my tribute to the little girl who traveled from Mangalore on charity, at the tender age of 17, to work in people's homes. To go on to become a popular AUNT in her own Vicinity where she lived for a good 30 years.

Sometimes I dream of her falling, and I call her knowing fully well, with the telepathy that exists between us that something is wrong, and she is unwell or feeling low. I thank God for the beautiful MOM he gave me. I looked into the mirror yesterday and realized that my Mother before me in the prime of her youth must have been gorgeous…..Hey guys, that makes me proud...I love you so much Mamma

Happy Mother's day to all Mom's