the dark side..

I stand in front of mirror, look into my eye and ask myself. Who am I? What have I become? Is this me?

I ponder on my thoughts and my actions. They don’t seem right. They are neither correct nor justified. I have become sick of myself. Sick of my brain. Sick of all those neurons and synaptic connections that decide my neural activity. I wasn’t like this. That kid who used to be happy-go-lucky, spontaneous, smiling always, where is she? Why it is that now my brain is filled with jealousy, hatred, envious thoughts.

Is that I have an alter ego?  She is clouding up my mind. She is gaining control over me. Her impure thoughts make me crazy. Head feels clogged up with lot of negative thoughts. Mind seems unbalanced. Can’t take better decisions with these thoughts in my head.

I m trying to curb these vestigial thoughts. It’s difficult, they hurt me. I am hurting myself. Its killing me.

Being suicidal doesn't necessarily mean holding a gun to your head

Sometimes, it means smoking a cigarette in the hope that you'll get cancer and die. Or jaywalking across the street without looking, because you don't care if you get hit by a car. Sometimes it means having sex with a stranger, hoping you'll get an STD and die. Or not sleeping and not eating in the hopes that the exhaustion will kill you. Or even not washing your hands in the hopes that you'll get sick and die. Sometimes it means being cruel to the people you love or ignoring them, because if they leave you you'll have less reasons to go on living. Or not setting your alarm for work, so you'll get fired and have less of a purpose. Sometimes it means partying hard in the hopes that your lives will fail and you'll die. or putting yourself in dangerous and potentially painful situations, so maybe it'll be the last straw. Being suicidal doesn't necessarily mean trying to die. A lot of times it means not putting and effort into living.

THE SCAR

My left arm grabbed my attention today. I have a wheatish complexion. On this skin tone of mine my left hand bears 4 light brown lines. These dots connected together loosely form a diagram that remind me of those days when I loved to hurt myself, trying forget the pain the heart was enduring. For a moment the heinous action took me away from the present situation. But mind would be back to the thing that was clogging up my head. It was pointless.

My brain is weird. It thinks in all possible directions. Mostly negative. That is what maybe makes me weak, makes me hold back, makes me doubt things, makes me confused over decisions. So to make my head not to think in a particular direction I made these carvings on my skin. To remind me of the shit. Sometimes it was to forget things. Sometimes to overcome some pain.

Over the time my endurance of many things has increased. But the scar still remains, as a reminder of the past.

“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.” - Khalil Girban

Silent Whispers

“The delicious creamy double scoop ice-cream with chocolate sauce and cherry toppings melts in my mouth with its frosting layered on my tongue. ..” sounds delicious…Is not it?

Have you ever noticed that when you are truly enjoying something, any sort of description seems inadequate. “Words are not enough” is a very commonly used phrase used in such situations. Words –however important they may seem to make a meaningful conversation there are some moments in life when words fall short. And in the blink of an eye such moments turn into be the most memorable and beautiful moments of our life.

At such times when words lose their sheen, our eyes become the medium of expression. They speak volumes and convey everything we have in our hearts. It is very rare to find a person who can actually understand the unspoken.Holding hands sitting together staring into the space saying nothing still feeling you are having a wonderful conversation . Those moments are irreplaceable when someone looks into your eyes and understands exactly what you are going through. It feels miraculous!. .  It is a beautiful feeling art to understand the words spoken through the eyes. In an attempt to do so we are drawn emotionally closer to that person, leading to a stronger emotional bonding. It forms a strong base for strengthening of relationship.  Such moments can only be felt by the heart, spoken by the eyes and understood by the soul.

I have a special phrase for such discussions ,”Silent Whispers”, because the things spoken at this time are like the secrets we whisper and at the same time are silent. Mysteriously if you observe such conversations are also had with ourselves. We find ourselves connecting to our deeper self when sitting in extreme silence all alone. It brings on a kind of extreme calmness and soothes our frayed nerves in a jiffy.

The secret for mastering this art is to just feel the magic of silence and watch as the mystery unveils itself................!!

Know "Me" if you can.....!

My blogger friend Robert posed me this:
"Write three sentences about yourself,  first sentence starting with T., second with  E and third with A (as it spells TEA). If you want to write more, write four more sentences but they have to start with C, A, K and E respectively. (CAKE)"

Well Robert this one's for you, I am fancied by what I wrote hence thought of putting it as a Blog post..

So here we go....Presenting "ME"

Tall 

I am proud of my height and it does describe ME – BTW I used it more bcoz all other better looking adjectives beginning with "T" seemed to be used :)!!

Enigmatic

At times I can be extremely mysterious as I don’t like showing what’s going on in my mind for the fear of hurting others or being hurt myself.

Aspirant

I aspire about beautiful tomorrows where I see many of my dreams come true.

Curious Cat

Yup…I am very curious about everything under the sun. Remember the Aquaguard Ad – “Yeh kya hai? Isse kya hoga…? – Well that’s ME.

Argumentative

I firmly believe in either you convince me or you get convinced.

Kind

That’s what my enemies think about me as Killing with Kindness is the motto I like to live by.

Expressive

I enjoy expressing my thoughts in various forms of writing, dreaming, arguing and the list can go on..