Desperate!!! nice term that.....oh well its the weekend, so its fine. ill recover.


some good things have happened this week. and for some strange reason, i didnt really care about some of them. i mean, yeah, theres relief but....priorities have changed. thats a given. ive understood for some years now that wants are just that, wants. but when a need is fulfilled and the feeling to it is numb, was it really a want all this time? nah, cuz, i analysed, then i dissected, then i put it into a jar and added water and shook it(just to see what would happen), then i took it out and squeezed the excess water out of it, then i left it to dry. conclusion - it was a need and i didnt care.

need a vacation. real soon. so in light of that, have a little break comin my way for a few days. no emails, no phones - just me, my self, some books, oh yeah some food too. my only hope is that the temperature drops by another few degrees by that time. so love monsoon. there is something so serene about it. and when its gets cloudy with that cold breeze blowing, yeah.....

The one who cares the least controls the relationship.
This is beyond the theory and should be considered as a law of relationship physics.
Chemical reactions in humans are responsible for this stuff and to display an uncaring attitude and disdain for relationships will score, sometimes.
Sorry , but humans are flawed as a species and so cannot be happy for long.
Just not possible. Control is an illusion

I found this in my drafts and was surprised and perturbed by it, did I write this? I had and have no recollection of these ideas being part of my repository of thoughts.
Re-reading for the 5th time

I can say that this wasn't me, perhaps I had planned to dispute these ideas...???
But the evidence of these ideas in actuality just went thru my thoughts  while once discussing on broken relationships with a dear friend who expressed to me then  about how he firmly believed that "he who cares less wins" (reminded me of that awful show who dares wins)
I listened and didn't comment, letting him vent is good I reasoned with myself, but part of me the perturbing part, agreed with him. caring less means getting hurt less

working on this premise one will tend to invest less of one's self emotionally to avoid hurt
and investing oneself less will almost definitely lead one's relationship to become less
and then hurt will follow anyway?
or will it be reduced because one didn't care enough to begin with??

Absence of less hurt will reinforce one's care-less attitude
and a vicious circle has begun....
love life and learning all rolled into this chain of thought
Science is just a reductionist cop out

grow up sometime

when we were in school we wanted to be doctors, teachers, lawyers, astronauts and whatever. i think when i was growing up i just wanted to be. i look back at and realise i didnt have that kind of dream. there was an obvious inclination but no real motive - i wanted to be a pilot. later it was to be an architect. but if these are "dreams" that fade quickly then its not what u want/need to be.

what made me gave up my air force pilot dreams? there was a little accident that altered my life completely and i had no intention of ever being part of ground crew. and so there i was a kid, without a dream and i wanted to be just like other kids. and eventually i decided upon architecture(hmmm in retrospect that would have been a scary move. me a designer of machine or structure that could just explode). what made me change my mind? i didnt want to study anymore. or perhaps i realised i wanted to be unlike the others. my identity is the only thing that is mine.

shud i give that up to be part of a cliched bunch? be accepted? flow with the tide? there are times when this thought cannot be silenced. it is hard going against norms. last year a friend said this much "let the storm cease, then swim safely to shore". makes sense. question is if i wait for the storm to cease, will i get comfortable that i let the tide take me wherever? not for long. because whats inside cannot be quelled.
so if ur an outcast, heretic....take heart that u were never to be understood by the masses but by beings who transcend the superficial.
peace.

right now im thinkin, when i grow up i wanna be successful youn woman, or the rich young lady in town or the happy house wife... :-)

well somethings gotta give. i cant well go postal can i now? but the thought is there.

outside of work, life has been good to me.

theres so much to write, so much to talk about....but for another time.

alls i kno is, its good to feel good. and i want this forever.

i see hope

in the words of sarge - "todaaaay is a good day to go to church"(the words in italics can be replaced with whatever you want)

woke up early. showered. picked up my bag and ran. wasnt gonna miss the 8.15am mass!! and it was already 8.00. 10 minutes later and no auto in sight."thats it, im gonna miss the 8.15am mass".

then came a auto. "public transportation so rules!!!!!" reached the church vicinity in 5 minutes."niiiiicee!!" the area around the church is under heavy construction. as i was makin my way to church suddenly noticed almost all access routes were blocked off. there was just the one access way.

"8.16." and to get to that i would have to go all the way round which would take a lot of time. there was this group of girls just behind me. we stood there for a few moments. then one of them climbed down the trench and walked on the exposed pipes, climbed out. they helped each one out. finally i made my way across. as i reached the end, i suddenly saw this hand reach out. i looked up to see the first girl who made her way across . she smiled and helped pull me up.

i have never in my life been offered help like this by a girl.

so there was nothin that was goin to stop me from attending service today.
it was more than worth it. of all days today it was worth it.

looking back

looking back
most trials are inconsequential.

confiding to the wasted, what was there is now. and my toes and my fingertips, numb. so numb. but i can can actaully feel as i wave.

"yeah, ill get it done. theyre gonna get through it before i am gonna get through"
and i fell farther than ever before, i feel even more alive.

human relationships are the most diabolical!!

i like the relationship i have with a tv set. i know where im headed. sometimes the batteries of the remote die, but they can easily be replaced. tvs dont misunderstand. they take you for what u r.

tv sets are simple.

we re not.

No Reservations

I've got a fairly recent guilty pleasure... I love watching Anthony Bourdain's show, Anthony Bourdain No Reservations. He has one of the coolest jobs I've ever seen... He's a chef, he's an author, and he's a traveler. He goes to places from the exotic to the perceived-to-be mundane and tries the local dishes that can range from gourmet to the fare of those in abject poverty. He can appreciate the perfect hamburger just as much as the perfect pan-seared foie gras. He's no snob, and I love that about his show. It's unpretentious and often laughs at itself.

One of his experiences I envy the most was in Brazil. He and some rich chicks went to a lady's house whose job it is to cook and entertain paying company in her own little home. The sang, danced, drank, ate, ate, ate, and then all took a nap on a big bed with all the innocence of a collection of kittens. How perfect would a day like that be?

Amen.. I'm alive

Suddenly there is so much to say … (The reason I started blogging)… it’s actually a good feeling… “I moved that block!!!”

Life seems to be taking on a good direction. Getting oppurtunities to actually do what I wanted to do and though I never really looked at it that way i.e. as “Things I want to do” I am glad its happening. I suppose all this is leading to a good formation of the thoughts. “Interesting” – (that’s what I’m thinking right now). Perhaps this is for the good hmm… thinking, it probably is, considering that everything happens for a reason.

For a change the days too have been passing by with the unexpected note (the way I like it). For a change it’s been  good days… without any regret rolls (that’s a whisper just afraid to be speaking too soon). No backstage issues… I could go through that bungee jump right now as in right right now…don’t know about laters cause I whispered :)

Things have been moving, started reading again and yes going to finish it this time, over the last year I’ve started 4 books outta which I completed 2. Two I left half way which I think is not good. For now, no interest to go over em again and finish it…

But I’ve started reading another this year.. And looking at my interest I suppose I’ll see the end of this one for sure. Thinking about setting some reading targets for the rest year... Probably a little too late for New Year resolutions… but what the hell!!! – Better late than never…

I think this is a good start… Hoping for that good end… I believe.. “If its not fine, Its not the end…”

Yesterday had this encounter with a person, I prefer to keep anonymous who was filled with bitterness and hatred… may or may not be his/her fault but still it was there.. it was a phone conversation and at the end of it… all I was thinking …and singing to myself was

"If everyone cared and no body cried
If everyone loved and no body lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
Then we'd see the day when no body died
Amen... I'm Alive"

Will say more about this song... but will leave that for another day

“The most profound statements are often said in silence.” - Lynn Johnston (1947 - ), ForBetter or For Worse, 01-15-04

It could be worse

Things have been a lot tense lately.. so much that I used to feel choked. And as if things were not bad enough...it just got worse.. had a bug attack last night.. well I'm exaggerating.. just saw one big fella but when it comes to bugs I feel their one toooo many. Argh..

I'm paranoid about keeping things clean so you can only imagine my situation the whole day!! :-D - NOT FUNNY!!!.... managed to clean in and around the bed, spray, do the laundry - the works!!! Hopefully I did a good job.. will find out soon....

Like I've said before... this is probably God's way of telling me.. Stop worrying.. things could get worse!!!...
Anyways leaving it to that for now... more on the drama laters...