The Blog Rant

I have been a lazy blogger off late.

I guess it's always easy to use "I am busy" as an excuse. Looking back, that was a pretty lame excuse. I seem to have time for every other useless activity in the world such as updating my status on Facebook, composing stupid messages for whatsapp.. blah blah

I have become such a lazy slob.

I used to think that blogging is such a therapeutic exercise for me. I used to love the fact that people really liked reading my blog, and frequently engaged me with their comments and feedback. I used to enjoy blogging about stuff that was going on in my life - and verbalising my opinions and thoughts via this online platform.

Somehow, work killed all of that.

Perhaps the perfectionist in me is standing in the way between me and my blog. I am always looking for the perfect reason to write, as I want every post to be meaningful. I often struggle between blogging for the sake of having something on this page everyday, and writing about something that matters to me or the people around me. Gradually, because I couldn't find a good reason to write, I stop..
Another lame excuse I agree.

Perhaps as I grow older and older, I start to withdraw more into that little private space inside the shell. I become less willing to share my views, and more hesitant to baring my soul. I don't want people to know too much. I probably don't care either.

Perhaps I am too hard on myself. My friend told me I needed to have more faith in myself, and that I should stop putting myself down. I didn't even realise I was doing that. I always think people around me deserve better. Don't ask me why - I just feel so.

Perhaps I lack discipline. I have left this blog to rot and gather dust the same way I have let my mind slip, and my weight to balloon. I am so good at lamenting, but damn lousy at making the changes that will make me a much happier person.

Perhaps I think and worry too much. Perhaps I am lost and still not found. Perhaps I am just exhausted from carrying so much weight on my shoulders for so long.

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

Perhaps all I need to do - is sleep.

Counting My Blessings

Contrary to popular belief, I am not always pessimistic. There are many points in my life where I would stop and take stock of my blessings, and take pleasure in counting them.

Sometimes I feel extremely blessed, akin to an overflowing cup of sweet water. I hear music in the rain, and feel the caress of the wind. The trees seem much greener, and the clouds look like white, fluffy candy floss.

I woke up today and counted my first blessing. Thank God I am stil breathing. :)

I sat up - and realised I have a very comfy bed indeed. Whenever I am in a bad mood, I would go shopping for anything and everything including beautiful bed linen. I simply adore my bed. It's something that all of us have, but many of us always take it for granted, don't we? How I wish I can just snuggle under my covers and not go to work. Having a bed to sleep in is undoubtedly, a wonderful blessing.

I looked for my phone and there i have so many texts from friends, wanting to know how i am . That's a blessing - knowing that someone cares.

Checked my email and am pleasantly surprised to recieve a e-card from a friend in London, who's feeling concerned after reading my blog. That's a blessing - knowing that someone is thinking of me even when she is 5 hours away.

Met up an old aunty over the weekend - and learnt that she is into beading. She gave me a pair of lovely earrings that she made herself. That's a blessing - knowing that I am someone really special to her.

Another friend bought me dinner last week. His generosity even extended to a chit chat session - where we sang our hearts out till 3am. That's a blessing - because I have been looking for loads of gossip for a longest time - and they appeared.

Another friend has been giving me lots of advice and attention at all times. Owe her tons. She's a blessing too - because she gives so much but expects nothing in return.

Yet another blog reader emails me daily with words of encouragement, bringing hope to my otherwise dreary day with anecdotes of his life and great book recommendations. That's a blessing - knowing that someone is always rooting silently for me - somewhere in the background.

As I was typing this entry, I thought about the people who will be reading this. And yes, you guys are also a blessing - because no matter what happens, you check in faithfully everyday to read my senseless ramblings. Day after day. Blog after blog. You even care enough to leave your comments - sharing with me the thoughts that are going through your mind.

Sometimes I wonder why - but then I remember I should always count my blessings, instead of questioning them.

And then I feel very blessed.

Choices

Life has never been a straight line. In a lifetime, one comes across crossroads, potholes, u-turns, uneven grounds, and sometimes, you will even come to the end of the road where there's no other way out.

I have been plagued with such feelings lately. My life revolves around choices big and small. Easy ones. Mind boggling ones. Difficult ones. Painful ones. Spiritual ones.

At the point when I am penning this blog, my life came to a crossroad. Four paths going in four different directions. Right in front of me there was this brand new road. It was smooth, brightly lit, and a solid white door at the end which opens up a whole new world of opportunities, and probably uncertainties. Who knows what lies beyond that beautiful door?
My future maybe?

Behind me was a war-torn battlefield. It's fraught with obstacles and littered with bloodied war memoirs. The road stretched on for miles, a reeking stench hanging in the air. What used to be glorious, mighty, formidable and highly respected have been reduced to nothing more than ashen rubble. This is where my struggles have taken root right now. My past.

To my right, a vast empty space spreads over the horizon. There wasn't a soul in sight. Just acres and acres of white sand. A bed in the middle of it all signifies the resting place for my tired soul. It feels lonely, and gets a wee chilly at night. Peaceful indeed, yet empty. I lay there often, with my eyes looking up to those stars winking with limitless optimism, and I ponder over my single status right now.

On the left, I see beds and beds of champagne lilies - its beautiful petals basking in the warm hue of the evening sun. Love's scent filled the air, embracing me in its subtle passion. It rained kisses on my fatigued soul, and nudged me gently to indulge in this lovely haven. I hesitated - because nothing's permanent. In the end, it may just be another short-lived mirage.

Choices. I have no way to avoid them, and yet I cannot make them. I feel like I'm in a mudslide sinking deeper by the day.

& then Who said You can’t Change the World?

We’ve heard about the starfish story. If there were many starfish stranded on the beach, why would you bother to throw them back into the water since you probably can’t save all of them? Well, at least you know, to each starfish that you threw back into the water, you made a difference, and that’s enough.

Be it a sincere greeting or a genuine smile, be it a simple helping hand or a pat on the back “well done”, or be it five minutes of your time or some encouraging words… If you can make a difference, just for that instance, that moment, to someone else’s day, a stranger, or a loved one, or a friend, that’s good enough.

We often hear that one person cannot change the world. Yes, you can’t change the world. You can’t control what goes on around you. But you know what you want and can do. If you want justice, live justly; if you want equality, live equally; if you want happiness, live happily. Don’t expect it of others; live it; be it. That’s the one, perhaps only, but best, thing you can do; and then who said you can’t change the world?

“You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” — Mahatma Gandhi

Not *Only History Is Infinite*

“Only history is infinite.” And that’s because our past, our story, our memories stay with us forever, thus infinitely with us and never taken away from us. Only what has happened can be said to have taken place and hence eternal because it cannot be undone.

Well… the future is also infinite, I think, with promise, potential, and possibilities. And perhaps even more so. By virtue of its limitlessness and mobile boundaries.

So not “only history is infinite”.

At the end of the day, they say all things come to an end, but it doesn’t then mean that all things cannot be infinite.

All things may come to an end… but all things are infinite.

The future is a continuation of history. Our future lies in our own hands, and in good hands too. To create infinity, to cross this side to the other side of the hill and then to the next, to bring together what was and what will be, what has come and what is to come…

Now, the existing moment, the feelings you feel, the decisions you make, is key.